


The Axanar Script v.7.3

by Limulus



Series: The Axanar Critiques [1]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Axanar, Essays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 13:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 41,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19110433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limulus/pseuds/Limulus
Summary: This work was originally posted on http://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/ in the summer of 2017. It is archived here for easy access.This work is part of a critical analysis of the Star Trek fan film script, "Axanar." The script is the 7.3 version, which was referred to by Alec Peters as "fully revised and locked" in a Facebook post and referenced by CBS/Paramount in their copyright infringement lawsuit against Alec Peters and Axanar Productions. It was published on Facebook by a former member of the Axanar team.  For context, see axamonitor.com.Star Trek is owned by CBS, and this script was written by Alec Peters and Bill Hunt. These critiques are solely for the interest of Star Trek fan film fans. I claim no copyright on them in the spirit of free discussion.





	1. In the Beginning...

> **EXT. SPACE - A BLUE-WHITE PLANET (OPTICAL)--**

It's an Earth analog, isn't it?  Just imagine Earth.

> **\--hangs against a backdrop of stars.  This is Zeta Fornacis III--**

Sounds like something Kirk picked up during his last shore leave.

> **\--a peaceful Federation Colony.  Except...**

Dun, Dun, DUN.

> **EXT. PLANET'S ATMOSPHERE - ANGLE ON THE SURFACE (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **...there's no peace to be found here.  The CAPITAL CITY LIES IN FLAMES below.  Great PLUMES OF SMOKE rise into the sky.**
> 
> **CLOSE ON A WING OF KLINGON BATTLE CRUISERS (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **as it pushes into the frame.  Now all is clear: These are the conquerors.**

Good thing Trekkies always assume Klingons are the aggressors.  A non-Trekkie might be wondering what is clear: how do you know the Klingons aren't on a rescue mission that arrived late?  Actually, to take it further, without any superimposed titles how do you know this was a Federation colony at all?

These three shots form the opening scene of "Axanar," said to be the "[best Star Trek movie script ever](https://www.facebook.com/Axanarfilm/posts/825596480888210?hc_location=ufi)."

So what do they tell us about the film?

According to Blake Snyder, whose book _Save the Cat_ has cursed the majority of current films with painfully similar structures, the opening image should set the "tone, mood, and style" of the movie.  (I may not be fond of the beat sheet, but I do like his perspective on the opening and closing images.)

So what does this opening image tell us about the film?

It tells us that this is a Star Trek shoot 'em up.  We aren't going to see strange new life forms, such as in _[Star Trek: The Motion Picture](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbG3N51MEjM)_ where the first image was of three Klingon ships against a giant, alien cloud.  Neither will we see a character struggle with facing a no-win scenario for the first time, such as in [_Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6tWmSckE40).

What we've got is a fairly generic opening to any one of a number of TOS or TNG episodes: a planet in space.  Beyond that we know a Federation colony has been wiped out and we know the Klingons have done it.  This movie is going to be about a war between the Federation and the Klingons.

Despair not!  Plenty of war stories wrestle with the human condition, which is what Trekkies prize in their entertainment.  The aforementioned _Wrath of Khan_ was only a lens through which Meyer examined the character of Kirk.  The television series also demonstrated that war stories could be handled with nuance.  _Deep Space Nine's_ "The Siege of AR-558" did so quite memorably.

From this opening image, the script takes us to the surface, where an injured Starfleet officer runs from two (presumably, based on subtext) TNG-era Klingons before being stopped by Commander Chang, who is described as appearing closer to a TOS-era Klingon.  The Klingons mock their captive (in their own language, subtitled, according to the script) while he begs for his life.  As one of the TNG-Klingons plans to kill the Starfleet officer, Chang stops him.

(Dialogue format changed for readability.)

> **CHANG (in English, to the officer): Earther...there isn't much time. Run past me!**
> 
> **STARFLEET OFFICER: I don't understand.**
> 
> **CHANG: Enough blood has been she today. Quickly...**
> 
> **STARFLEET OFFICER: But why? Why would you help me?**
> 
> **CHANG: Not all Klingons are the same. Can you not see that I am different from these brutes? Now go!**

The officer makes a run for it and Chang stabs him in the back, stealing the kill from the TNG-Klingons.

I really liked this exchange, and wished it had been shot as a fundraiser instead of the Vulcan Scene that we got.  It has nice suspense--you know what's going to happen and you're just waiting for it.  It also addresses the presence of two types of Klingon in the Star Trek canon, which is a bonus for any Trek fan.  More than that, it _shows_ the differences between the two, with the TNG-Klingons being more overt and the TOS-Klingon being more underhanded.  Chang is set up as a dangerous adversary in this scene.

We are next introduced to Kharn, and I must say it's not nearly as compelling an introduction as we got with Chang.  The Klingons are gathered in the bombed city and Kharn climbs up on a pile of debris to give a speech.  This speech makes very little sense.  Oh, sure, one could argue that it makes perfect sense to a Klingon because it's filled with Klingon symbolism, but that doesn't matter.  It has to make sense to the viewer.  Since this doesn't make sense, it ends up looking like a bit of tacked-on worldbuilding.

> **KHARN: Brothers and sisters in blood!  When the First Fathers held in their hands the fire of the first suns, and gave life to the galaxies, what did they pledge to us, their children?**
> 
> **KLINGON HORDES: TO UNLEASH US AGAINST THE THIEVES WHO WOULD STEAL THE FIRE FROM US!**

As I said, it's a little opaque.  Based on the context, the Klingons appear to think the Federation took something that was rightfully theirs.  Solar systems, I would guess.  However, "fire of the first suns" is a very literal phrase that I'm having trouble rendering metaphorically into something that could be the equivalent of land, or a planet, or even a star system.  This translation difficulty renders the crowd response nonsensical.

It's a pretty little speech, but when broken down one finds it is like the [waves upon the firmament](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_4W5ywBTpE), full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.

What's more frustrating to my mind, however, is that Kharn is introduced in a very passive way.  Compare his introduction to Chang's.  I would suggest that we learned far more about who Chang is than who Kharn is.  Indeed, just from these scenes, I would say that Chang is shaping up to be the primary antagonist with Kharn taking a backseat role.

And that is the impact of showing vs. telling.  We're told Kharn is running this show when the writer has him clamber up on that pile of rubble to give a speech.  We're shown how dangerous Chang is in how he outwits the TNG-Klingons and uses his knowledge of English and appearance to deceive the Starfleet officer.


	2. Call Me Maybe

Now that we’ve been introduced to our villains, it’s time to introduce our heroes. If you’re a fan of TNG, you’ll love the introduction. If you’re a fan of the Star Wars prequels, you’ll love the introduction. If you’re a fan of a good night’s sleep, you’ll love the introduction. If you’re a fan of drama, go watch _Game of Thrones_.

The script helpfully informs us that we are beginning “Act One,” just as it informed us the previous section was the “Teaser.” It’s odd. I’d expect to see a television script broken down by the teaser and acts, but _Axanar_ was said to be a feature film script. I suppose it makes sense that a hundred-page story that feels like three-hundred minutes of television would be formatted similarly to a TV episode.

That’s not the only contradiction in this script. It has elements of a shooting script, yet it is a mess. It’s supposed to be the blueprint for a work “[so spectacular that it serves as a resume and calling card for our work in the industry](https://web.archive.org/web/20150901035932/http://www.axanarproductions.com:80/faq/)," yet it lacks nuance. In many ways it reflects the contradictions inherent to the Axanar project, a "[professional independent Star Trek film](https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/axanar#/)" until it was [not](http://www.axanarproductions.com/faq/).

Nevertheless, I can forgive creative formatting if the story is good. Let’s dive in!

> **EXT. SPACE – EARTH – ESTABLISHING (OPTICAL)**

Economical! You can reuse Syphilis III.

> **Our view moves over STARBASE ONE, an assortment of STARSHIPS in orbit, and finally takes in the planet itself.**

A peaceful Federation planet. Dun, Dun, DUN!

Yeah, visually, we’re restarting the story. We’re back to a space shot of a pale blue dot. This isn’t even what I would consider a parallel because the visual continuity was interrupted by the Klingon scene.  Furthermore, there’s no distinguishing this pale blue dot from the previous one because there’s no superimposed title telling us where we are.

But we are given a clue that only Trekkies will understand

> **Our view moves over STARBASE ONE, an assortment of STARSHIPS in orbit, and finally takes in the planet itself.**

Much like the Doomsday Machine.  Just sucks that planet right up.

As with the teaser, we then jump from a planet view to an action scene. Or what passes for an action scene at any rate.

Inside the Starfleet War Room, which is a completely reasonable installation for a group of peaceful explorers, we have “barely controlled chaos.” And let me tell you, it is chaotic.

> **STARFLEET OFFICERS with pads sweep the frame, attempting to manage the crisis. OFFICERS with earpieces sit at stations, communicating with distant starships. Everyone is talking at once. Urgent COM CHATTER can be heard over the din.**

OMG, they’re _sitting at stations,_ guys, and they have _pads_. Truly, the end is nigh.

What strikes me about this description is that it is busy, but it isn’t dynamic. We have a lot of people doing things, but the tasks lack specificity. Additionally, we don’t have a lot of context. We can guess it has something to do with the Klingon victory in the teaser, but from what we saw that battle was over. That scene does not correspond with this level of response. If the battle was lost, it requires a mourning of the dead and a calculated campaign to retake the system. It doesn’t require running around like the sky is falling. Yet running around is what we get.

Since it wouldn’t be TNG-era Trek without pretty pictures, the script makes a point of telling us there is a WALL OF VIEWSCREENS with “tactical maps and battle reports.” There’s also video of a Vulcan captain reporting in from the heat of battle—I assume, given that his bridge is “in a state of disarray”—but we don’t get to hear what he has to say because that would be interesting. It would be even more interesting if we were on the bridge with him, but we don’t get that either because it would be expensive.

No, what we get is an admiral studying a map of the Zeta Forcanis system. The juxtaposition of the Vulcan captain and the star chart introduces more questions than it answers. Is the Vulcan captain in the Z.F. system? If so, why wasn’t his ship seen or mentioned in the teaser? It’s almost like the writer wants to have it both ways here: he wants the Klingons to have had an overwhelming victory, but he also wants the dramatic reports.  Or maybe the Vulcan captain is elsewhere?  If so, there's no indication of it.

So, Admiral Ramirez learns from Starfleet Officer #1 that there’s no contact with the planet—gosh, if only we could have seen that—and has a little chitchat with the Federation president about how bad it’s going for the colony. The dialogue is very bland; there’s no sense of either character here. It’s just your usual cliché “is there any hope?”/”It’s not looking good” exchange.

Fortunately, they’re interrupted by DRAMA.

Starfleet Officer #2 starts shouting about a transmission from the _Hercules_. This ship is fighting in the Xarantine system.

No doubt Xarantine is what you use to treat Zeta Forcanis.

OK, I’m being a little silly here, but I do have a point. These words are just a collection of phonemes to the audience. As such, they get confusing when they’re just thrown around, particularly when they’re not backed up visually. While I appreciate that the writers want to show the scope of the conflict, they way they’re going about it creates a muddle.

Admiral Ramirez asks how many D-7s attached the Federation force.

> **TRAVIS [the captain of the _Hercules_ ]: No way to tell. But you can see the result for yourself.**
> 
> **On the viewscreen, Travis punches a control on his chair armrest. The image switches to show a field of STARSHIP WRECKAGE tumbling through space. Much of it’s still burning.**
> 
> **TRAVIS (O.S.) (CONT’D): They tore us up pretty badly. Admiral.**
> 
> **Officers around the War Room are shocked at the sight.**

So shocked that they can’t even demonstrate how shocked they are.

You’re going to hear this a lot from me over the next few days, but when you’re writing a screenplay, it’s important to show what’s important on the screen. For example, do these professionals freeze in their tracks and go silent? Does anyone start crying at his station? Is there a moment where they look at each other with quiet resolve? How one describes the group behavior here develops Starfleet and gives the audience a better idea of what they’re facing. One doesn’t need pages of description, but one does need more specificity than this brief sketch.

Since the audience doesn’t have enough to keep track of between the different systems and captains, Ramirez decides to call Captain Alexander. (Yes, now that I think about it, this scene is a series of phone calls. Because when I think drama, I think Skype.) She’s in the middle of a battle and let’s just say every ship but hers is screwed.

Ramirez asks for an update and Alexander is considerably more polite than I would be if my boss called while I was fighting for my life.

> **ALEXANDER: Surrounded by dead Klingons, sir. Some of them just don’t know it yet.**

Cliché? Yup. It’s also the most personality any of the characters outside of Chang have shown in these first eight pages. Sonya Alexander has taken her place as my favorite character. And she was played by Kate Vernon in [_Prelude to Axanar_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W1_8IV8uhA), so you really can’t lose there.

So, we get some pew-pew. Klingons shoot at the _Ajax_. _Ajax_ does the Star Trek shake 'n' spark

> **AJAX TACTICAL OFFICER: Explosive decompression, Deck Five!**
> 
> **ALEXANDER: We’re in a serious furball here, Admiral!**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: Did I just say “furball”? Jesus Christ…For the record, I am neither a twentieth century aviator nor am I a cat. Perhaps I should say “things are a bit sticky down here” or “Houston, we have a problem.” It makes just about as much sense._

And that’s the problem with trying to add “realism” if you aren’t a part of the culture you’re borrowing from or very, very familiar with it. Googling “military slang” and throwing it into your work willy-nilly will make it stand out for all the wrong reasons. Foremost among them, it doesn’t sound like anything this particular character would say in this situation.  If it knocks the audience out of the story, it's a weak choice.

(No complaining about Meta-Captain Alexander. _Axanar_ is “[open source](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-may-22nd-2017/)” now. Mwahahaha!)

Ramirez tells her to hang on, help is on the way, and the transmission predictably cuts out. For all you writer’s out there, predictability is the enemy of drama.

No worries, though. The Federation president remembers that he received a potentially useful transmission. It was so important he decided to deliver it himself, and then sat on it for half the scene. Why? DRAMA!!!!!

(Not actually dramatic.)

Do we get to find out what it says? No. No, we don’t. That might clarify the situation for the audience and make them care about what’s happening. We can’t have that. All we get to know is that Ramirez is surprised; it comes from Soval; and Ramirez wants to talk to the _Ares_.

> **Starfleet Officer #2: There’s no response, sir. Either she’s out of range or—**

No response, of course. Should’ve switched to Verizon.

DRAMAH!!!111one!eleventy


	3. Our Hero: Garth Sue

_[Mary Sue (noun)](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue): Even redshirts are heroes of their own stories. Not so when Mary Sue is on the prowl. A Mary Sue is a character in fiction idealized to the point that nothing exists free of hir influence. Fun fact: [“Mary Sue” began in Star Trek fandom](http://www.wiccananime.com/amslt/amslttrekkiestale)._ _Male characters are frequently called “Gary Sue” or “Gary Stu.”_

Ours is called Garth Sue.

We’re introduced to our Heroic™, Manly™, Handsome™, and All-Around Nice Guy™ protagonist in his quarters. Sure, there are battles raging elsewhere in the quadrant but how can we possibly get to know a character without spending some quiet time with him first?

As with the rest of the Federation characters we’ve met so far, Garth is sitting in front of a screen. His face is “somber,” because that’s something you can act. (Generally, it’s not advised to dictate the emotions of a character to an actor. Actors aren’t trained to play emotions. They’re trained to play circumstances and let the emotions follow. Tell an actor that she’s a commanding officer contacting the parents of one of her subordinates who died in the line of duty and that’s all she needs to know. If she’s good, you’ll see a response that you never would have thought to write.)

Anyway, Garth is writing a letter to the parents of one of his subordinates who died in the line of duty.

> **Garth: I wanted you both to know that your daughter was a fine officer, a credit to this ship and to you as her parents. Zoe’s bravery and selflessness will not be forgotten. Please know that you have my deepest condolences for your loss.**

You know, if you want to show your hero as caring deeply for the people he commands and suffering at their loss, you might not have his condolence letter to their parents sound like a form death notification coming from Headquarters. This reads like Garth knocked off thirty or forty in an hour with it’s trite, cliché phrasing.

Just add insult to Zoe’s parents’ loss there.

Garth tries to send the letter, but subspace communications are down because…reasons. (The reason being that Ramirez wants to contact Garth but the writer wants this little interlude for Character Development. What the audience wants is of no interest to either of them.) Garth also needs to demonstrate how Classy™ and Cultured™ he is by listening to some music. Copeland.

As the script does not specify exactly which of Copeland’s many works Garth wishes to hear, I like to imagine that he’s settling back to think Deep Thoughts ™ and the computer let’s loose with “[Hoedown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gk-hiW_CMtM)” from _Rodeo_.

This is why specificity is the writer’s best friend.

As [MUSIC](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdqjcMmjeaA) plays, Garth goes through a little staging that serves no purpose other than to demonstrate how Manly™ and Heroic™ he is. First, he leans back in his chair and winces in pain. Then he takes off his shirt so the audience can see that the Stunning Physique™ of this Adonis come to life has been marred by an untreated burn.

Fortunately, we are saved by the arrival of a beautiful woman, Lt. Corax.

> **She looks uncomfortable.**

Well, she did just walk in on her shirtless commanding officer. I’m pretty sure that’s covered in Starfleet sexual harassment seminars.

> **Corax: You asked to see me?**

Oh, yeah. That is definitely covered in sexual harassment seminars. The Powerpoint slide has one word on it: Don’t.

> **Garth: Do I really need to ask, Lieutenant? (smiles at her)**

Known Trait of a Mary Sue: Every man, woman, and non-binary-gendered being will find them desirable.  
Seriously, though, this squicks me out. He is her superior officer and he’s called her to his quarters, where he’s shirtless and—as best as I can tell—flirting with her.

So, Garth calls her out on taking some risks during a landing operation—keep in mind the main story right now is Klingons invading the Federation and we’re talking about a routine mission that probably doesn’t have anything to do with anything—and she banters with him. Of course, she banters in a way that lets him demonstrate how awesome and selfless he is. Or is that Awesome™ and Selfless™. With a Mary Sue it’s hard to tell.

> **Corax: You’re the one who just spent six days in Sickbay. Did the Doctor clear you, by the way, or did you just release yourself.**
> 
> **Garth: The Doctor has his hands full. He doesn’t need me getting in the way down there. And you didn’t answer my question.**

Known Trait of a Mary Sue: Acts nonchalant about wounds that would seriously impair or kill a member of their species.

Garth, neither your crew nor Starfleet need you getting a nasty infection or becoming otherwise incapacitated due to your wound. This is one of those places where the Sue warps reality in the name of looking super awesome, like, awesome-er than any one who ever lived. Realistically, if Garth is that severely injured then it won’t be “business as usual” for him. You don’t just walk off serious burns.

They talk a little about Corax’s “abilities,” which we learn are unique in Starfleet. Other than that, we don’t know what they are or what actually happened during the away mission. Therefore, I can assume the away mission is entirely unimportant. The vague reference to abilities is just playing coy with the audience, rather than leading the audience to ask questions. There’s absolutely no reason to be so vague except the writer has some deep instinct that the scene is boring and needs tension.

I call that deliberate and unnecessary vagueness false tension. It’s like in prose when someone starts referring to “he” or “she” at the beginning of a story, as if not knowing the name of whoever they’re talking about is a hook.

> **Corax: Sir, I endangered no one’s life but my own. I did what was necessary to accomplish my mission.**
> 
> **Garth: So it’s back to “sir” now?**
> 
> **Garth moves closer to her. A spark of emotion jumps between them. Corax puts a hand on his chest…leans into him…**

When I read any story, I never want to get the impression its being written one-handed. Ever.

But that’s what a Mary Sue is: wish fulfillment. The character represents who we would like to be: attractive, sexy, tough, and so on.

In real life, both Garth and Corax would face disciplinary action for this sort of relationship and they would likely lose their careers. (And before anyone complains, I am also not happy with the Spock/Uhura relationship in NuTrek. She was his student and then his subordinate, for crying out loud!) In fantasy, however, you can get away with being intimate— _Meta-Captain Alexander: Just say “fucking,” you prude._ —with your subordinate, ethics and regulations be damned. _Meta-Captain Alexander: Exactly._

The problem with focusing on your fantasy is that you forget your audience. No one wants to participate in it because it’s so personal to you that they can’t identify with it. Unless your name is, sigh, Stephenie Meyer or E.L. James. *weeps*

Fortunately, a Red Alert interrupts this tender scene of predatory sexual behavior. They have a battle on sensors, because we haven’t already seen several of those at eleven pages in. They head into battle—none of the redshirt ships have survived, of course—and it’s one _USS Ares_ against two Klingons.

Known Mary Sue Trait: Fighting prowess. That is all.

The Klingons fire. A bridge panel explodes. Inertial dampeners, or “dampers” go offline. Garth can’t get an order out because his Chief Engineer anticipates what he wants and is on it.

Pick any TNG or VOY battle scene and just play that. It’s as interchangeable with them as they are with each other.

The _Ares_ is more maneuverable than the Klingon ships and Garth uses this to outmaneuver and shoot the Klingon ships.

Known Mary Sue Trait: Mary Sue will have special possessions, such as a magic sword, talking pet, or badass ship.

Sensors tell them the Klingon shields are weakening…is my boredom evident yet? There’s no character here, just technobabble. (Free advice for SFF writers: the quality of your story is inversely proportional to the amount of technobabble, or fantasy equivalent, found within. Lose it.)

_Ares_ uses it’s weapons to cut the nacelle off of one of the Klingon ships and then uses it’s tractor beam to throw a piece into the other. Credit where credit is due, I don’t believe we’ve see that in Trek. I wouldn’t say it’s “tactical genius,” but it is different than just firing phasers and photon torpedoes until something blows up.

> **The crew is impressed as hell by what Garth’s just done.**

Known Mary Sue Trait: Everything Mary Sue does will be impressive to others. Everything? _Everything._

I would dearly love to see how a director would work with that line of description. As I said before, actors don’t act “impressed as hell.” It’s a completely useless line from a filming perspective and only serves to stroke the ego of the fantasist.

But Garth isn’t done being awesome yet. The energy from the second ship’s explosion follows a plasma trail back to the first ship, causing it to explode as well.

> **Cross, Wagner, and Caine [** Not that their names are important. There’s no way to distinguish one from another in the scene.] **are stunned. Garth of Izar’s legend grows.**

That’s a new one. Even something the Sue didn’t do is impressive to others.

I’m trying to think if we’ve ever had a time in Trek where characters stand around, impressed by a character, for two consecutive moments.

Nope. Don’t think so.

This is another place where the writer might be thrilled by the scene, after all the writer’s analog is busy being praised by everyone, but the audience will only be bored. Really, seeing characters stand around passively and admire the hero does not make for compelling viewing. Or reading.

> **Tanaka: Well…there’s something you don’t see every day.**

Yes. We gathered that by your consecutive moments of being stunned and awed. Pro screenwriters know that actors can say a lot without saying anything at all. Novice screenwriters bog you down with unnecessary dialogue.

As the random encounter has ended, we need something to move this story along. A Fetch Quest, perhaps?

Admiral Ramirez finally gets his message to the _Ares_. Of course, it’s garbled and requires some technobabble because TENSION. Yeah, no. It’s false tension again. The problem is introduced and resolved a few lines later with no bearing on anything related to the character or plot.

The scene ends with a lead-in to a Conference Room Scene.

> **Garth: Patch [the message] into the CIC as soon as you can, Lieutenant. Helm, make for Kestra. Warp eight. (to the others) Ken, Tara, Corax – you’re with me.**
> 
> **Garth EXITS. The others follow, still looking impressed.**

Yes, in 1.5 pages, we’re told the crew is impressed by Garth three times.

And he’s really done nothing to deserve it.


	4. Meetings

Lest we be overwhelmed by the awesomeness of Garth of Izar, the script takes us to Qo’nos. There, we find the Klingons doing the same thing Admiral Ramirez did eleven pages ago: having a meeting about the battle.

At least they could redress a set and save some money.

> **Four KLINGON GENERALS stand over an illuminated table which shows the positions of ships and battles across deep space.**
> 
> **Chang: As you can see, the D-7s are turning the tide of the war. Starfleet has no answer.**

Oh, my God! It’s a [Klingon Harry Kim](https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/194429923/star-trek-axanar/posts/952445).

> **Klingon General #1: It’s true. Even their best Vulcan and Andorian captains are no match.**

Good thing they have Garth then. Something tells me he’ll be better than a Vulcan/Andorian hybrid.

Kharn enters and informs the crowd that the Klingons have taken another system. Someone asks about the “Tzenkethi,” which Memory Alpha informs me is a minor Star Trek species.

From a fan perspective, it’s nice to throw in these little references. However, they would be utterly meaningless to anyone not intimately familiar with Trek. Therefore, there’s really no tension here. It’s just words.

And there are a lot of words in this exchange. Chang gloats and Klingon General #1 informs the room of something everyone should already know: that they’ll be in position to do some real damage to the Federation after “one more victory,” presumably Axanar.

Here’s what I find frustrating. This story sets up that the Federation is losing badly. We swing over to the Klingon perspective, but we get nothing new. It’s a rehash of the idea that the Federation is losing badly. So we don’t get any increase in tension from one scene to the next. Without the increase in tension, the revelation that the Klingons are on the verge of victory doesn’t create an emotional response in the audience. It’s business as usual.

In film, words can easily trip up a writer. While some exposition will be necessary, too often it becomes a crutch. Writers just have a character say something plot-related instead of thinking about how to plot the story so that the audience can infer the information while be entertained. Writers can also just have character say what she is feeling instead of letting silence and good acting (combined with circumstances) carry that emotion.

Always make the choice that will allow you to tell the strongest story, particularly when that choice scares the hell out of you. If you want to tell a war story, commit to it. What if we had opened with Garth, Hero of the Federation, and a few other ships holding the line around Zeta Forcanis III? What if he had lost? What if he had to choose to sacrifice his ships, invaluable to the war effort, or the planet? And what if, as he limped away in retreat, he heard Federation colonists begging for rescue and the gloating of a faceless Chang? Would that not have said the same thing, but far more powerfully? Would that not have set up a story of a Garth driven to redeem himself and avenge that colony, a Garth struggling with far more than survivor’s guilt but the knowledge that he chose to sacrifice a whole planet for the greater good?

But everyone standing around being impressed works too, I guess.

Anyway, the Klingons are all pleased with their position and honor Kharn—I’m guessing for setting up this great victory—by saluting him. Kharn doesn’t respond.

> **Klingon General #2: Is the Undying One not pleased?**
> 
> **Kharn clenches a fist, as if to crush his enemies.**
> 
> **Kharn: I will be, when Earth bleeds.**

I actually think this is a nice little exchange. (I know it’s shocking, but I will give credit where it’s due.) It is funny that both this scene and the scene before it end with subordinates being impressed by their CO (although the previous scene says it and this scene makes it more subtextual). I doubt that was intentional.

What I do want point out is this is where the writer did a good job using description for characterization. That particular gesture is something an actor can work with, and it pairs nicely with the dialogue. A little hammy, maybe, but a primary characteristic of the Klingons in any era is that they chew the scenery. You have to give them some ham.

If that scene did not slake your thirst for Voyager-style conference room confabs, fear not! We now get a parallel scene where Garth has a discussion with his people.

We’re essentially getting the same information, but the Federation perspective. The Federation lost a bunch of systems that I wasn’t made to care about, so I don’t, and some ships. Twenty-two, according to Ramirez.

> **Garth: Better make that twenty-four, sir. We just found what’s left of the Cortez and the Goddard.**

When did that happen?

Just a sec’. *checks script*

Oh, right, page eleven: “Tanaka (V.O.), (filtered): Sensors are picking up a battle nearby. Looks like a Klingon patrol may have jumped a couple of our ships. We’re closing to intercept.”

On the next page, Garth asks about them and “Tanaka shakes his head grimly.” We then get four pages of a battle and Garth’s crew being impressed. (I know, I know. I will never get over that.) Nothing more of the ships or their crews is said.

What a missed opportunity! If the writer wanted to show Garth as caring for his comrades, imagine if his first scene had been with him on the bridge when they found the wreckage of the two ships. Imagine the search for survivors, maybe finding a damaged escape pod with a dying crew member. Imagine if Garth was barely given time to address that crew member—or grieve her passing—before _Ares_ was jumped by two Klingon ships that had used the wreckage as bait in a trap.

But, uh, Garth taking his shirt off in his quarters works too.

Anyway, Ramirez informs them that the Vulcans have an agent who has obtained the technical readout for the battlestation. No, actually the agent retrieved the technical readout for the D-7.

> **Wagner** [Still don’t know who this is. Still don’t care]: **Vulcan Intelligence? How is that possible?**
> 
> **Corax: They wouldn’t be very effective if you knew how they operate.**
> 
> **The all chuckle.**

I wish I could say the audience would do the same.

Ramirez orders Garth to retrieve the agent and the intelligence. He sends the coordinates.

> **Ramirez: Very well. (pointed) Beware the ides of March, Captain.**

Beware using your position as a popular war hero to become a dictator before being assassinated by people you thought supported you? Ramirez knows Garth well.

Actually, it turns out be a code. Unfortunately, none of this cloak-and-dagger stuff was set up beforehand so the audience is left a mite confused.

I hoped we might escape this scene before more exposition strikes, but, alas, it was not to be.

> **Wagner** [also known as interchangeable bridge officer number three] **: Captain, I don’t understand. I thought the Vulcans wanted to withdraw their support for the war. Why would Soval help us?**

“I have to create more false tension. Therefore, I’m going to make the audience think Vulcan might leave the Federation by informing them of this fact. This will keep the budget down at the cost of audience interest. Also, despite this film being for fans, I really need to ask Garth why Soval would help us so he can tell the audience what they already know from years of watching _Enterprise_.”

> **Garth: Soval is a good man. He’s done more for the Federation than most of us here will ever know.**

At least this line offers a good lead-in to the next scene, so we’ll pretend the scene ends here. The last three lines are irrelevant.


	5. The Vulcan Scene

There’s some question as to whether or not this version of the script is the version that Team Axanar would have produced had they not been sued.

Prior to the lawsuit, Team Axanar would have had you believe so. At the end of June 2015, Peters wrote in his blog on the Axanar website that he and Bill Hunt were trying to [“polish off” the script](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-june-28-2015/). By mid-August, Peters reported that he had a [“fully revised and locked script,"](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-august-12-14th-2015/) a script that “Rob Burnett [called] the best Star Trek movie script ever.”  This news was also reported on the Axanar [Facebook page](https://www.facebook.com/Axanarfilm/posts/825596480888210?hc_location=ufi).

Now, however, Team Axanar claims that version of the script—[featured in the lawsuit](http://www.gandtshow.com/axanar-plaintiffs-file-amended-complaint/) with CBS/Paramount --was not the final draft. According to [Robert Meyer Burnett on Twitter](https://twitter.com/BurnettRM/status/880272147498676224), at some point they were up to draft 10.4.

Curious, considering that on [August 15, 2015](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-august-15th-2015/), Peters posted on his blog that he got his copy of the script bound and was highlighting Garth’s lines. Apparently, “5 months out from principle photography is the right time to start learning lines.”

There’s also the small matter that the court found that the [“final shooting script was sufficient to compare the works at issue and demonstrated that the infringement claims were not based upon 'abstract disagreements.'”](http://www.loeb.com/publications-ipentertainmentcaselawupdates-20170103-paramountpicturesvaxanarproductions)

Unconventional, inexperienced, incompetent, or retconning reality? You decide.

The Vulcan Scene begins with a couple lines of description. It’s a good thing it’s by Trekkies and for Trekkies, because Trekkies are the only people for whom this description would have meaning.

> **EXT. SPACE – VULCAN – ESTABLISHING (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **We see the reddish hues of a familiar world. VULCAN STARSHIPS glide into view, guarding the planet.**
> 
> **EXT. VULCAN’S SURFACE (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **We fly past MT. SELEYA. The city of SHIKAHR lies below.**

I’m very glad to know the name of the city. Too bad the audience won’t because there is no title telling them what it is. For the aspiring screenwriters out there, never forget that your audience only knows what’s on the screen. They don’t get the background notes you might include in the script.

> **EXT. SHIKAHR – VULCAN HIGH COMMAND (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **AMBASSADOR SOVAL and MINISTER T’LERA are walking the grounds.**

Those are the only action lines until the end of the scene, when we get one last bit of description--

> **They turn to face the horizon, where Mt. Seleya stands as a reminder of Vulcan’s past…and of it’s future.**

\--the only part of which the audience will see is two people staring at a big rock. Thrilling.

Oh, wait. I was wrong. There was one line of action hidden in a parenthetical.

> **T’Lera: But what good is a Federation that does not listen to us? We warned the Humans that reckless expansion would provoke the Klingons. (she stops to look at him) Why do you favor them, Soval?**

Generally I’ve found that description this vague is common to outlines rather than finished drafts. The writer wants to mark the location, but he’ll flesh it out after the rest of the story is on the page. He knows what the picture in his head is so he doesn’t feel the need to describe it. Only later will he go back and make the picture real for the reader. The going back is a necessary step in the process, though. Writing is communication. Readers aren’t mind-readers.

In between our painfully scarce lines of description is an unbroken page of dialogue. Figuratively, this is known as a talking-heads. (As opposed to the literal talking heads we saw in _Prelude_.) What you get is such a vague description of setting and the actions that make up characterization, all the reader visualizes is two humanoid shapes talking at each other.

It doesn’t exactly make for an engaging picture.

A writer can get away with it, however, if the writer is unusually gifted with dialogue. If the dialogue clips along and carries story and character with every line, the reader won’t even notice the lack of action or description.

This dialogue is the opposite of that. The lines are clunky and too direct, even for Vulcans. Essentially, the writer wants the audience to know some hard facts and character perspectives. Therefore, he has two characters tell each other those facts and perspectives instead of telling the story in such a way that we learn them more organically.

What’s even more striking is how one-note the scene is. There’s no subtext in the dialogue. There are no deep themes carried through the scene and there is no sense of tension. It all starts and ends on the same level. What you see is exactly what you get.

At least they weren’t standing around a table looking at graphics.

This scene is unique in that it was the only scene of _Axanar_ to be filmed. It’s filming and release for fundraising purposes added ammunition to CBS/Paramount’s arguments. Indeed, on June 13, 2015, co-writer Bill Hunt wrote on Peter’s blog that “it’s Production Day One here at Ares Studios,” in a post titled “[Axanar Production Has Begun.](http://www.axanarproductions.com/axanar-production-has-begun/)”

Give it a [watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrlNSGbgrlQ).  It captures the written scene beautifully and the dialogue is identical.

The stated goal of the scene, in the [blog entry](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-june-25-2015/) dated June 25 was to show “ _an elegant, thoughtful, quiet scene, which serves to set the stage for the look and feel of what we’re hoping to achieve with the film we’re making.”_

I’d dispute the description of the scene as “elegant and thoughtful,” but when it comes to showing the “look and feel” of the film, they nailed it.

[Jody Wheeler said](http://axamonitor.com/doku.php?id=locked_script) that if you liked the Vulcan Scene then you would have liked _Axanar_. I agree. Every scene I've read so far, save the introduction of Chang, is just as flat and unwieldy as this one.


	6. A Quiet Moment with Kharn

Between the Vulcan scene and the next scene, we get a short interlude.

> **DARKNESS**
> 
> **FIRE appears in SLOW MOTION. We hear distant SCREAMS, SIRENS, EXPLOSIONS…the sounds of battle. They build until we…**

I can’t even snark this shot. It leaves me too befuddled. Is it supposed to be the future of Vulcan from the end of the last scene? Is it Federation world? Klingon world? Who’s vision is it? Based on what was happening, I’d think it was Garth’s vision brought on by the Federation’s position. That’s gotta cause some anxiety-nightmares.

> **CUT TO:**
> 
> **INT. D-6 – KHARN’S QUARTERS (OPTICAL)**

Or not.

If we’re going to make it Kharn’s vision then it has to be more tightly tied to the existing story. Right now, it’s stuck on in a way that makes me think the writers were scrambling to transition smoothly from one scene to the next. If the writer’s had made it clear for instance, that it was the Klingon world in the vision then it would have indicated to the audience that Kharn had concerns.

It would’ve also introduced tension into the story as the Klingon position appeared strong, yet Kharn had private doubts. It would’ve deepened his character by having him the confident, decisive leader to his soldiers while wondering if he really had what it took to win the war.

Let’s say there wasn’t enough budget for a new SFX shot, though. They could’ve reused something from the opening scene. This would’ve also created an interesting character moment for Kharn. Maybe he’s not so satisfied with the killing as, for example, Chang might be. That would also introduce internal conflict. A Klingon for whom killing on a large scale is distressing? A commander who might be challenged by a subordinate on the basis of fitness?

All we needed was a little more context.

> **Close on Kharn’s face. He’s disturbed by this vision of fire.**

Say it with me: “A state of being is not actable.” In other words, tell the actor this vision is Kharn’s and let him decide how to play it.

> **He sits in a throne-like chair before a STREAK-filled WINDOW.**

Should’ve used Windex.

More seriously, this is where specific description is absolutely critical. As a Trekkie, I’ll assume those streaks are supposed to be the star-streaks that indicate a ship travelling at warp. My first thought, however, still ran to an unclean window because that’s generally what a “streak-filled window” is. The discrepancy knocked me out of a story as a Trekkie reader. I suspect a non-Trekkie reader would have been left very confused.

It’s little things like this that suggest, despite claims of being a “professional independent Star Trek film,” _Axanar_ is a fan film through-and-through. It’s not accessible enough for even a casual fan to be anything else.

> **On the table beside him are a goblet of bloodwine and a THREE-DIMENSIONAL CHESS SET.**

I’m disappointed there wasn’t a three-dimensional chess set in Garth’s quarters. (And you could reuse the prop. Thrifty!) If we’re going to mirror hero and villain in setting, I’d also like further visual clues that they’re each other’s counterparts. Seeing the chess set in Garth’s quarters would have also been a delightful little Easter egg for people familiar with “Whom Gods Destroy.” Also known as the target audience.

How did you guys miss that? You managed to get every other reference.

> **His knife is stuck in the table top.**

That’s a nice bit of visual characterization right there. It indicates that Kharn was likely frustrated enough with something to stab his table, regardless of damage. It also tells us he’s the type of character to stab a table. I half hear Effie Trinket’s admonishment--“[ _That is mahogany_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWp7GPMugQ0)”—when I read it.

As Kharn studies his chess set, Chang enters. The High Council wants an update on the campaign. Like a good general, Kharn took off before planning was finished.

No wonder he’s concerned. I’m sure his superiors and subordinates are as well. It’s never a good thing when the head of your forces goes off randomly.

Kharn doesn’t really explain himself, not that he really has to.

> **Kharn: Know your enemy, Chang. Know him better than you know your own mind…your own heart. Only then can victory be assured. (a pointed look) Have I not said it many times?**

No doubt it sounded impressive each time, and yet it makes no sense. If you know your enemy better than yourself then you may know his strengths and weaknesses, but you won’t have as good a grasp on your own. Good luck translating that knowledge to successful action.

Also, another “pointed look.” We got one of those when Ramirez was giving the code to Garth. If you’re a screenwriter, that’s the sort of parenthetical you can just leave out as a waste of space. Trust your actors. They are specialists at turning text into compelling speech and action.

Chang urges Kharn to action, dismissing the chess set as a “child’s toy.”

> **Kharn: Tread carefully, Commander. (beat) Were you not aware that the finest minds in Starfleet use this…toy, as you call it…to teach battle strategy at their Academy?**

The idea is that the chessboard should be critical to the scene and symbolic of the film as a whole: Kharn studies the chessboard as he and Garth play a game of chess on the battlefield. Unfortunately, there’s no sense of the moves and countermoves of a chess game in the narrative. At the same time, the chessboard has been elevated to such a central place in this scene, it loses all subtextual value. Kharn is beating Chang over the head with it, and in doing so beats the audience over the head as well.

Contrast this with _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_. A chessboard—a two-dimension chessboard—makes a brief appearance in the background of the _Botany Bay_ scene. At first, the audience takes it as just another bit of set dressing. It doesn’t even occur to the audience that it has any meaning, despite the film being very much one of chess between Kirk and Khan, until the Battle of the Mutara Nebula when the chess game comes to a head. Khan is playing it in two-dimensions. Kirk is playing it in three.

That’s a master class in using a symbol right there.

> **Chang: Impossible! How can this be true? How can you know of it?**

How did you learn English, Chang?

> **Kharn: We have our spies, just as they have theirs.**

Critiques are ultimately highly subjective. For example, the line above is a snappy bit of dialogue. I don’t like it. Why? because I can think of at least one other place I’ve seen something very similar. ( _Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World_ ) I can vaguely remember a couple more. Every time I hit this line, I was catapulted out of the scene. Fortunately, my reaction in very likely unique so a discerning writer would ignore it.

> **Kharn sees that he’s unsettled Chang…just as he intended.**

Save it for the novelization.

Kharn then urges patience and moves a couple of chess pieces around. I’m disappointed it wasn’t queen to queen’s level three. If you’re going to put Easter eggs into your fan film, commit to the choice. He says he mastered the game long ago and gives the game to Chang.

> **Kharn tosses one of the pieces to Chang. It’s a Pawn.**

And now I’m visualizing [_Count of Monte Cristo_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr0hkynSXYc). Regardless of my hang-ups and general sense that it’s a bit on the obvious side, it is nice visual characterization. Also, not likely to endear Kharn to Chang.  Anything that has the potential to generate tension in this script gets an automatic pass from me.

Aaaaannnnnd scene.  (Everything else is unimportant.)

The script helpfully informs us that this is the end of Act One, which is useful as there was no way to tell by the choices and actions of the characters.

My general thoughts on Act One is that, despite a promising start, it goes from nowhere to nowhere. Although we’re given a good sense of the character of Chang, the other characters are very flatly drawn. This lack of depth is particularly troubling in the character of Garth since his character should show change over the course of the story.

To compound the character development problems, the causal relationships in the story are weak. I think this is largely due to the story trying to cover too much ground. By showing the Federation losing multiple, identical (to the audience) battles, it’s hard to draw a line from the Federation losses to what happens next. Furthermore, those losses are really set dressing instead of a driving force in the story. All they’re do is make the situation look dire for the Federation. Therefore, a lot of the first act not only has little emotional impact on the audience, but also little relevance to the story as a whole. This is a problem when most of your first act is taken up by battle scenes.

Finally, these issues are compounded by the weak visual storytelling. Instead of writing scenes where actions advance the story, we get scenes of expository dialogue. These scenes aren’t even varied. We have a Federation war room, a Klingon war room, a starship war room, a starship commander’s quarters, a Klingon ship commander’s quarters. Vulcan was actually a nice break from the usual.

Thus far, I fear there was no saving this script. A lot of what was here needed to be stripped out and the whole thing needed rewriting.


	7. The Fetch Quest (1/2)

“Act Two” opens with the Ares in orbit around Cirrus IV, “in the Beta quadrant.” I’m not entirely sure why that matters, but everything in the script should be there for a reason so I’m sure it’s important. There’s a Federation research outpost here, although I suspect it’s more accurate to say “there was a Federation research outpost here.”

> **Wagner and FOUR BLACKSHIRTS (the “Redshirts of this era,**

I think the operations personnel in a landing party have enough problems without a historical association with Mussolini.

> **including COMMANDER CARTER and LIEUTENANTS DIAZ, RAHMAN, and FENG) MATERIALIZE outside the station in a defensive formation, phasers drawn.**

The primary one of which is they may as well have been REDSHIRTS #1--#4. “Commander Carter and his team” got a shout-out back on page eighteen, but what you see here is really all we learn about these people. They are completely interchangeable and quite literally faceless. There’s no characterization whatsoever to distinguish them from each other.

> **The Blackshirts immediately scatter, hunting for targets.**

Socialists, anarchists, republicans, communists…I could go on.

Before things on the planet can get too interesting, we jump to the transporter room where Garth and Corax are getting ready to beam down. I’ll give this to the writers, they sent the security team to the surface before senior personnel. That’s some improvement over official Trek.

It also highlights why official Trek didn’t do it that way. It takes time and there had better be a payoff for introducing a bunch of new minor characters. Sometimes you have to sacrifice realism for story.

But maybe Peters and Hunt will pull this one off.

Now the section jumps back and forth between the transporter room and the bridge. It’s entirely unnecessary cutting, but if you’re going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars building full bridge and transporter room sets then you’re going to want to get your money’s worth.

And when I mean it’s unnecessary, I mean it’s unnecessary.

Garth and Corax wait in the transporter room.

> **The intercom WHISTLES.**
> 
> **Tanaka (V.O.) (filtered): Bridge to Captain.**
> 
> **Garth moves to the wall com.**
> 
> **Garth: Go, Ken.**
> 
> **INT. ARES - BRIDGE**
> 
> **Tanaka: Captain, we’re getting residual energy readings. Probably a warp signature.**
> 
> **Garth (V.O.) (filtered): Klingon, I’ll bet.**
> 
> **Tanaka: Looks like. Nothing else on sensors, but it does appear they’ve been here.**
> 
> **INT. ARES – TRANSPORTER ROOM (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **Garth: Then there’s a good chance they’re still here somewhere. Find them.**

One of the most frequent notes given to novice writers is “show, don’t tell.” I know I’ve criticized this script for too much telling over the previous posts. At some point, the writer overcorrects and you get something like this exchange where there’s an entirely unnecessary jump to a different perspective.

So, really, the advice should be “show the things that will have the most dramatic impact, tell the rest.” By varying showing vs. telling, you can control the overall pacing. In this scene sequence, the audience is more interested in the planet’s surface. All we need to know to heighten tension is that the Klingons might be around. A one sentence warning from Tanaka over the intercom is all it would take. No momentum-killing jump required.

The only way I would say the jump is important is if there is some visual information that will have impact on the future story and the only way we can get that information is if we’re on the bridge. (Think of the graphic of the shields dropping during the Kobayashi Maru in _Star Trek II._ Without that shot, the later moment where _Reliant’_ s shields drop would have had less meaning.)

There’s a little more chitchat, because it’s not like they’re racing a clock or anything, before Garth has an exchange with the Chief Engineer Leonov. Honestly, I completely forgot this character was mentioned earlier the script. That’s how poorly defined he is. Yes, this is the character that’s some sort of Genius Scotty and our first actual introduction to him is when he’s playing transporter tech.

I guess Genius Mr. Kyle was taking a bathroom break. (Hey, if you’re going to introduce one-off characters everywhere else, don’t be surprised when I expect to see them in places where there is precedent for them.)

We learn that the Blackshirts have “secured the area around the outpost.”

> **Garth: Life signs?**
> 
> **Leonov: The outpost is automated, but I can’t see beyond it. This planet has the strongest ionospheric distortion I’ve ever seen.**

That’s not what he asked, genius. Even if you can’t see beyond the outpost, you should be able to tell him that there are five (or more) lifesigns on the surface. Unless you’re saying you can’t pick up anything other than the automatic signals the outpost is sending out. Someone, the intelligence officer perhaps, should ask for more specifics.

> **Corax: That’s what the outpost is here to study, isn’t it?**

Oh, look, the intelligence officer is reminding us she exists by sacrificing any semblance of intelligence.

So, they beam down.

> **Corax starts scanning with her tricorder.**

Yes, because if your ship’s scanners can’t punch through drama-tech then the tricorder will certainly be able to.

Wagner makes her report.

> **Wagner: All clear out here, but we haven’t searched the buildings yet. Carter is on overwatch. Rahman, Feng and Diaz are scouting the perimeter.**

Starfleet: Where the Mk. 1 eyeball is all the tech we need and we don’t even use that. What were you doing while your CO was having a palaver up on the ship? You’re a tactical team and you didn’t even get around to clearing the buildings? What if there’s a Klingon sniper set up in there.

Dead. That’s what if. You’re all dead. And I can’t say I’d feel sorry for you.

> **Garth: Look sharp, Tara. We’re sensor blind down here and I’m betting the Klingons aren’t far.**

Known Sue Trait: The Mary Sue must always be the most intelligent person in the room. However, writing hyper-intelligent characters is hard. Therefore, other characters must be given the [Idiot Ball](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall).

Also, WTF, Garth? You sent your tactical team into a blind situation and didn’t tell them to watch themselves? And you didn’t look for the Klingons before sending your team down? Good thing the writers handed the Klingons the Idiot Ball as well. Otherwise you should have beamed down to a massacred tactical team and a ring of armed and angry Klingons.

Which would have been awesome.

Of course, all of this would have prevented the two lovebirds from making the Dramatic Discovery™. So dramatic. They find a ransacked room sadly bereft of Klingon snipers, bombs with proximity fuses, or audience interest. The computers have been wiped—thank God or we’d have more screen watching.

Searching on, they find a dead Vulcan.

> **Corax: I assume this is the V’Shar agent we were supposed to meet.**

Dead on, Corax. Top of your class.

Corax is reassured that, being Vulcan, it was unlikely the agent revealed anything under torture. I’d like to know why she assumes he was tortured given the script tells us nothing more than that the man was dead. Perhaps he was shot. Perhaps he took cyanide. Perhaps it was a timely accidental death. Really, there’s no way of knowing.

> **Garth: But that means they’re still here.**

It doesn’t follow. A dead Vulcan does not necessarily mean the Klingons are still there. They could’ve found what they were looking for and moved on, for instance.

> **Corax (she raises her tricorder): Sir, I’m reading something else. Life signs. It’s—look out!**

It’s nice to know that even in the 24th century where money is no longer a thing, military equipment will still be made by the lowest bidder.

> **Garth turns to see a KLINGON charging him, weapon raised.**

Stealth Klingon. The most dangerous kind.

Garth dodges the swing and “takes a few blows.” Um, how? Was the Klingon using a whiffle ball bat? If he was using a club, hello broken bones and a concussion. If he was using a knife or bat’leth, hello crippling lacerations. If he was using his fists, where did the weapon go?

Despite the fury of the whiffle ball bat-armed ninja Klingon, Garth “closes the distance between them to deliver a blistering combination of punches.”

Because Garth has such physical strength that he can beat a back a Klingon with his fists. We’ll assume this is one of the TOS Klingons, who were more evenly matched with humans than their TNG counterparts. I mean, Scotty was able to knock one out with a single punch in “[Trouble with Tribbles.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMrzdKzQTf8)” Let’s be honest, though, no one’s beating a Scotsman in a bar fight. (Sorry, sorry. Bad stereotype, I know.) But even Chekov was able to get in a couple good punches before being knocked on his backside.

Something makes me think, however, that Garth was supposed to beat a TNG-style Klingon. Mary Sues tend towards physical and martial arts prowess beyond that of Navy SEALS or, for SFF stories, the [Proud Warrior Race Guy](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ProudWarriorRaceGuy).

Corax, being the most useful she’s been, stuns the Klingon.

> **Corax (cont’d): You were saying?**

Because right after you’ve been attacked by an enemy solider is the perfect time for a sassy little dig at your CO.

In all fairness, Corax is only a Lieutenant, which makes her mid-to-late twenties. Yeah, just go back and reread the scene in Garth’s quarters again with that in mind. I’ll wait.


	8. The Fetch Quest (2/2)

Grab your popcorn and drinks because this is a long one.  Although not as long as it was for me.  Four hours between yesterday's post and this one.  Four.  Hours.  with this script.

Garth calls Leonov, who’s still in the transporter room. (The script actually jumps to the transporter room for this exchange.) That’s exactly where I’d want my Chief Engineer if my ship could be fighting Klingons at any moment.

Garth orders Leonov to beam up the body and the Klingon. I guess the sensors are working now.

Seriously, though, this is why continuity is so important. If you establish that the sensors don’t work on the planet then you should have trouble beaming down and up. If you say, “well, the sensors work at the outpost because tech-tech but nowhere else on the planet,” in order to resolve the transport problem then you should be able to scan for life signs. If you have sensors going in and out for no reason other than narrative convenience or you plain forgot about the rules you’ve established for the world, that’s hack writing. While there’s precedent for hack writing in Trek (*cough* _Voyager_ *cough*), I wouldn’t encourage any writer to emulate it.

Anyway, the entire point of switching to Leonov’s point of view for this exchange is so we can get this:

> **We hear the TRANSPORTER working. When it’s done, Alexei steps around the console, with his phaser drawn.**
> 
> **The Klingon groans (O.S.) and Alexei hastily stuns him again.**
> 
> **Leonov (Cont’d) (to com): Security to Transporter Three!**

I think the Klingon being stunned twice in quick succession was supposed to be funny. In either case, it just left me wondering why Leonov didn’t just hold them in the transporter pattern buffer, a known Trek technique, until security got there. It hardly matters. The scene was quite superfluous. Have Garth order the pair beamed up, they vanish, on with the story.

With the Klingon gone, Corax suggests that they have an opportunity.

> **Garth (shakes his head): Not that one Lieutenant.** (That missing comma is driving me crazy.)
> 
> **Corax: Kel, this is why I’m here.**

If I keep repeating “she’s in her twenties” over and over, will it make me forgive her the slip in professionalism?

> **Garth: I know, I’m just saying…not that one.**

Why not? It looks like a great time for a switch. (To generate false tension, the script is still being coy about Corax’s abilities. She’s a shapeshifter.) I guess Garth doesn’t want to think of his girlfriend as looking like the guy who almost beat him. Or, more generously, perhaps he doesn’t want to explain how that particular Klingon could be in two places at once if anyone who knows the Klingon is on _Ares_ sees him walking around with a Klingon landing party in the future.

> **Corax smiles. They share a brief moment and then she EXITS.**

Of course, they do. The best time to share a moment with your lover is when time is of the essence and people could die if you don’t act.

These people are less professionals than high school students in the grip of a first relationship.

> **When she’s gone, Garth starts looking around, searching for clues in the mess.**

God forbid you use the medium of film to show us what the mess looks like and where he searches.

> **Finding nothing, he sits in a chair to consider his next move.**

Putting himself in the perfect position to be captured by an enemy soldier. It’s like he’s forgotten he’s in a potential combat zone. “Yup, that one Klingon got past my security team and sensors, and almost took my head off. I’m sure it’s all good now.”

> **Then he sees something. Garth stands and reaches for ONE OF THE BOOKS on a shelf nearby. He turns it over – it’s “The Collected Works of William Shakespeare.”**

Let me get this straight. First, someone tossed the room while searching for something and didn’t shake out the books or at least pitch them onto the floor while checking the shelves. Second, Ramirez told him to “Beware the Ides of March” and he acted like he understood what that meant, but when it comes down to it he didn’t systematically search for anything that he might associate with Julius Caesar, like a copy of “Julius Caesar.” Third, that’s just lazy, man. Garth didn’t find the book because he knew what he was looking for and searched until he found it. He perused the room, didn’t see anything, sat down, and saw it entirely by chance.

He flips through the book—idle searching worked before so why not now?—and finds a data disk. It’s not, as I would have hoped, between the pages of Act I, Scene 2, of “Julius Caesar,” which would’ve connected this moment to the Ramirez clue far more clearly. No, it’s beneath an endpaper on the back cover.

Thrilling.

> **For a few moments, we see Garth working on the book.**

I don’t want to know.

He’s interrupted by disruptor fire.

Up on a ridge, Carter is watching Klingons.

> **Carter: Carter here, sir. Five Klingons, coming your way. And they have Lieutenant Feng.**

Took the Klingons long enough. I can see how Starfleet is losing this war, but I can’t imagine how the Klingons are winning.

The script then jumps back to Garth. (Incidentally, this jump is one place where the location shift benefits the story. It’s much more effective to see the Klingons from Carter’s perspective than it would be just to hear about it over the radio. Or it would have been if that shot had been included in the description. The way Carter’s scene plays out, the camera never leaves him.)

Fear not, Feng.

> **Garth formulates a plan.**

Save it for the novelization.

> **He opens his communicator.**

“Yeah, I’d like to phone a friend.”

Garth calls _Ares_ and reports that there are Klingons on the planet. _Ares_ reports there is a D-6 on the other side of the planet, hiding from them.

> **Garth (V.O.) (filtered): Ken, I need you to disable it. We’re going to need some extra leverage down here.**

Just like that, huh. It’s one thing to have confidence in your ship and crew. It’s another for your whole plan to hinge on them being able to quickly beat a ship of roughly equal class. No doubt Garth Sue knows the _Ares_ is protected by [Plot Armor](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PlotArmor) and cannot lose. Unfortunately, the audience knows it too so all of the tension is sucked out of the scene.

Up on the ridge something moderately interesting is happening. Carter has been caught by another stealth Klingon. This Klingon, not being very bright, throws his knife at Carter. And misses. Carter has a rifle on the Klingon, the Klingon has a disruptor on Carter. Why the Klingon didn’t just shoot Carter (since he had no problems with stabbing the guy in the back) we’ll never know.

Klingon #4 orders Carter to drop his weapon.

> **Carter reaches over and pulls the knife from the ground.**
> 
> **Carter (subtitled Klingon): I’d rather kill you with your own blade.**

The line sounds better when you’re twelve.

Anyway, the Klingon holsters a disruptor to draw a mek’leth and Carter throws his rifle aside in favor of the Klingon knife.

It’s ridiculous.

Both these characters have forgotten their [_Patton_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYhHIe_UELM).  In war, you kill people. You do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. The longer you take to kill someone, the more complicated the process is, the better their chance of killing you is.

_Axanar_ isn’t a war movie, as this scene demonstrates. You aren’t going to see any consideration of how fucking horrible war is and the damage it does to the living and the dead. _Axanar_ is a boy’s fantasy of war where every good guy is a badass and every death is clean (and belongs to a nameless, faceless, bad guy).

Back at the outpost, five Klingons approach where Garth is, dragging Lieutenant Feng (a character who more accurately should be Redshirt #2). Kharn calls for Garth to come out and face him, and Garth does so. He takes the book with him. Garth tells Kharn the Klingon in the building is dead, but Kharn is more interested in the book.

The exchange is interrupted by a noise of clattering equipment. That’s not cliché _at all_.

Kharn falls for the obvious trap and sends a single man to check it out. As I said, this is not an intelligent or compelling game of cat-and-mouse. The only reason this scene is moving forward is because characters are taking turns behaving unrealistically. Kharn gloats a bit about having the advantage and Garth throws the book on the ground. Chang picks it up and searches through the pages.

Meanwhile, Corax shoots the Klingon sent to find her with an alien energy weapon that kills silently. She then compares hand-sizes. Not joking.

Chang finds nothing in the book.

> **Chang: Where is the disk, Earther? This is just a book.**
> 
> **Garth (mock offended): It’s not just a book. That’s Shakespeare.**

Because when you’re negotiating with an enemy who holds one of your people hostage, it’s always good to be an ass. A Mary Sue can get away with this behavior. There would be real consequences for a realistic character.

I have to agree with Chang, however. It’s just a book. I think the use of Shakespeare instead of “the Teachings of Surak” or something like that was another attempt to add a sense of depth and meaning to the script through a prop. As with the chessboard, however, it’s only just a prop. There’s no thematic elements that make the presence of a Shakespeare text a valuable symbol. It’s not like briefly seeing _Moby Dick_ (Khan’s quest for vengeance against Kirk that destroys him, his ship, and his crew) or _Paradise Lost_ (Khan, a prince, cast down from the heaven’s to a blistering, hellish world) on Khan’s bookshelf.

Anyhow, Kharn demands the disk. Garth takes one from his _left_ pocket (having put the actual disk into his _right_ pocket in an earlier scene). That’s a very subtle change. I’m not entirely sure too many viewers would be watching closely enough to pick up on it. Thus far, the screenplay hasn’t convinced me it’s the type of story where one has to watch that closely.

> **Garth: And I’m Izarian, not Terran.**
> 
> **Kharn (smiling): So…you are Garth of Izar.**

Known Mary Sue Trait: Everyone knows who she is. Everyone.

Personally, Garth’s confidence is such that I would’ve preferred a scene like at the beginning of _Guardians of the Galaxy_. Garth never introduced himself, so Kharn doesn’t know he’s “Captain Garth.” Are Izarians in command positions truly so rare? If Garth is a Sue, they are. He’d have to be the “first of his kind” or the “best of his kind.”

Chang wants to kill Garth but then Corax returns, now named K’orax to indicate her changed appearance. The showdown is postponed, however, as both Kharn and Garth receive phone calls.

Truly, characters in this story spend a lot of time talking to each other on the phone.

> **Tanaka (V.O.) (filtered): The Klingon cruiser is disabled, Captain. Her shields are down and main power is out.**
> 
> **Garth: And the Ares?**
> 
> **Tanaka (V.O.) (filtered): The paint might be chipped.**

Of course. God forbid the Sue’s special weapon be imperfect in any way. The _Ares_ easy success has a far more damaging effect on the story. It removes any audience concern for the ship and crew. Unlike while watching _Game of Thrones_ , we can be 100% certain that the ship will come through a battle unscathed. Oh, sure, there might be some phaser burns and blown fuses, maybe even a couple of redshirts will die for dramatic effect, but we never have to worry the _Ares_ will lose or be destroyed. It makes battle scenes inherently boring.

Garth clearly likes having the upper hand.

> **Garth (Cont’d): You may have us here, but we have your ship. Shall we call this a draw, Kharn? Or is it the Undying One?**

Way to be graceful in victory, Captain.

This is actually a nice bit of characterization if your intention is to show Garth as something of a cocky jerk. Maybe he’s been a little too good for a little too long. Of course, taking the character in that direction would be setting him up for a fall later (if this were a realistic story). Here, however, it’s just another Sue Trait.

Aaand, we jump back to the ridge where Carter and the Klingon have been fighting this entire time. (Making it utterly impossible for Carter to, you know, do his job by covering Garth from a tactically advantageous position.)

> **WHIP-PAN TO THE RIDGE**
> 
> **just as Klingon #4 is STUCK BY HIS OWN THROWN KNIFE. He falls dead, his eyes wide in amazement that he’s been bested by a Human. Even before his body hits the ground, Carter—fearing the sound may have given him away—dives for his phaser rifle and trains it on the Klingons below.**
> 
> **Cater (shouts to Garth): Clear to fire!**

Little late there, Carter.

> **Garth: Take it!**

Carter starts shooting, killing the Klingons holding Feng. The other redshirts start shooting too. In the chaos, Garth has Leonov beam everyone up, save Corax who’s bio-signs now read as Klingon.

Yes, the sensors are magically working now.

In the transporter room, Garth gets a call that a D-7 is on sensors. _Ares_ beats a hasty retreat. Wagner, who has been entirely absent despite being the leader of the security team, asks where Corax is. She and the other redshirts are sworn to secrecy about what happened on the planet.

Garth concludes by ordering Rahman and Diaz to take Feng to sickbay. Is he hurt? No idea. The script never said.

So that’s the conclusion of the dramatic fetch quest for the data disk. It’s entirely disappointing. Garth only finds the disk due to luck and his haphazard “plan” only works because a.) the Klingons are dumb and b.) sensors conveniently work when the writer requires it. He was only in danger because sensors conveniently don’t work when the writer requires it. There is nothing here that shows Garth deserves his title as a master of tactics and strategy.


	9. The Artlessness of War (1/2)

Having just had a battle on the ground, now we’re going to have a battle in space. Despite what Tom Cruise films and the third acts of Marvel movies would lead you to believe, long sequences of people shooting at each other or beating each other into a pulp aren’t particularly interesting. Tension comes in many forms—consider the difference in tension between a character being stalked and a character in an all-out gun battle—and the type of tension in a scene/scene sequence needs to change before the audience gets bored. In the space battle, we have no changes in tension. As with the scenes on the planet, the scenes are all on the same level, inspiring a sense of nothing more than disinterested detachment.

Also, it runs eight pages. That’s approximately eight minutes of screentime, which is a long time to have a lot of bouncing back and forth but little variation.

Kharn, Chang, and K’Orax (Klingon-form Corax) enter the damaged bridge of the Klingon ship.

> **Klingon Officer: My Lord, main power will be restored in twelve—**
> 
> **Chang: You dare speak to the Undying One after your disgrace?!**

Tell me again how the Klingons are winning this war? The first thing a captain wants to know is the state of her ship. It’s how she makes a decision about her next course of action.

> **Klingon Officer: Sir, we did not see—**

Chang vaporizes him. Not kidding.

> **Chang pulls his disruptor and DISINTEGRATES the man on the spot.**

At least it’s consistent characterization.

Kharn moves too late to stop Chang and Chang protests, saying that Klingon Officer’s “life was forfeit” because he was beaten by _Ares_. Kharn doesn’t object to this reasoning. His objection is that it’s his prerogative to decide who lives and who dies.

I say again, how are the Klingons winning this war?

Oh, it’s fun to show how Evil™ the bad guys are by having them kill off random underlings _a la_ _The Empire Strikes Back_ , but in reality organizations that run in such an extreme fashion tend towards inefficiency. Subordinates spend less time advancing the goals of the organization and more time trying to defend themselves by refusing to take risks and/or throwing their colleagues under a bus at every opportunity. Good luck winning a war when you can’t innovate and your people are busy fighting each other.

Had Klingon Officer lived, however, K’Orax would have no place on the bridge. He had to die.

The commander of the D7 signals that he is pursuing _Ares_ , since the audience doesn’t already know that. (The audience totally knows that.)

> **Kharn: Morock…son of Kursk. Now is the time to prove yourself worthy of the honor you have been given. The fleeing ship belongs to Garth of Izar. Hunt it down and destroy it.**

I’m getting the impression this entire short scene is just so we can have this little speech. It’s an entirely unnecessary waste of space, really only existing to show the audience that Garth is so important it’s a big deal for the Klingons to hunt him down.

> **Morock: I will bring you its burning hull, my Lord.**

That seems like a waste of effort. Can’t you just take some pictures or something?

> **The signal CUTS. Kharn slams his knife down on an ORNATE WOODEN PEDESTAL beside his chair and leans back, seething.**

Because when I think “warship,” I think “fancy firewood that only exists for dramatic knife slamming.” Also, it may be a nice bit of characterization the first time, but Kharn really shouldn’t make a habit of it. Terrible for the knife.

The story cuts to the _Ares_ where Garth and Wagner are only just now entering the bridge. (The writers dearly needed to learn how to start a scene as late as possible.) Garth asks for the _Ares_ ’s status and Tanaka tells him that the D7 is the only ship they have to worry about. I guess he wasn’t joking when he said the _Ares_ was undamaged earlier. As best as I can tell from the lack of description, the _Ares_ really is undamaged. Way to make me concerned for the fight against this supership, writers.

> **Wagner: Captain, that D-7’s warp signature has been spotted before. It’s commander’s name is Morock. Intelligence says he’s the son of a senior Klingon High Council member.**

Exposition sensors. Handy. I wonder why they were removed from the Constitution class? Could it be because they destroy narrative tension?

> **Garth (looks over her shoulder): Which means he’s got something to prove.**

He doesn’t really have a reason to believe this other than he’s Garth Sue and the writers won’t let him down. It would have been a great opportunity to subvert the trope of the hero perfectly psychoanalyzing his opponent but, no, they played it straight. Instead of being a competent professional, Morock is the Klingon equivalent of a trust-fund kid whose daddy bought him a career. Or he would be if this script could develop characters instead of informing us of their attributes.

_Ares_ won’t outrun the D7 so Garth has the crew scan for something useful. To buy them time, we cut to the bridge of the D7 where Morock is “dripping with overconfidence.”   He asks how long until they intercept _Ares_ —five minutes—and orders his crew to arm their weapons. That’s it. That’s the scene. The thing is, we don’t need to be shown this. There’s nothing here that increases the tension of the sequence and the audience is going to know from the setup that the D7 is ready for a fight.

Back on the _Ares_ bridge, five minutes gives us enough time to examine sensor data. In short they find a gas giant with tech-tech that messes with sensor readings. Also, it’s big.

> **Tanaka: The planet’s gravity works in our favor, too. At that tonnage she’ll handle like a cruise ship.**

If the effects from _Prelude_ are anything to go by, so will _Ares_. (I liked the effects in _Prelude_. Tobias Richter does excellent work. Still, the boats in _Hunt for Red October_ showed more maneuverability.)

and it’s conveniently close! Sometimes I get the distinct impression that science fiction writers have no real understanding of the scale of space. This goes for Trek writers too, so I can’t really hold it against the writers of _Axanar_ though. Garth makes a decision to head for it. They’re two minutes away.

These scenes are exactly as dull as they sound.

We get a quick SFX shot of the _Ares_ approaching a gas giant before we’re back to the bridge. Garth orders someone—the crew are all interchangeable—to put the rings of the gas giant between _Ares_ and the D7.

SFX shot of the Klingons following _Ares_.

Quick cut to the bridge of the _Ares_.

> **Garth: Tara, launch a sensor buoy perpendicular to the rings. We’ll need its tactical data when the rings blind us. (thinks on his feet) And…let’s lay a spread of torpedoes beneath the rings once we’re through. Proximity fuses.**

And in the time it takes you to get that order out, the Klingons are on top of you. When time is of the essence, people value each word. I also love that little note that Garth is thinking on his feet here. There’s no reason for it to be in the script because the circumstances indicate Garth is thinking on his feet. It’s just a little way for the writer to add in some subtle praise of Garth.

Quick SFX shot of the _Ares_ cutting through the ring and laying some torpedoes.

Back to _Ares_. The Klingons have finally arrived.

> **Garth (to Cross): Come about. Show them our bow.**

Yes, I think Cross understood you the first time.

Garth orders a tactical view.

Cut to the D7 bridge.

The Klingons can’t find the _Ares_. Morock, and I’m genuinely wondering if it’s a play on “moron” by now, orders his crew to fire on the rings.

SFX shot of the Klingons firing on the rings and exploding one of the torpedoes.

Back to the D7 bridge. I can’t think of any Trek show or film that has had this many cuts between two combatants.

> **D7 Officer: They have set an ambush- torpedoes deployed beneath the rings.**

I think the writers learned their technique from inspirational speakers (originally applied to preachers): tell ‘em what you’re gonna tell ‘em, tell ‘em, tell ‘em what you told ‘em. In this variation it’s “tell ‘em what you’re gonna do, show ‘em what you’re doing, have someone else tell ‘em what you did.” It’s a little excessive and slows the battle down considerably.

Morock orders the D7 to go around the torpedoes.

Cut to the _Ares_ bridge, where Tanaka reports that the D7 is coming around the rings. Now all we need is an SFX showing the D7 going around the torpedoes and we’re set.

> **EXT. SPACE – THE ARES (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **speeds beneath the rings as the D-7 appears. The Ares passes over it, firing its PHASERS at point blank range.**

Sigh.


	10. The Artlessness of War (2/2)

At this point, we’ve made so many cuts, which tend towards repeating information, that I’ve lost track of the sequence of the action.

1.) Ares goes through the rings.

2.) Ares lays torpedoes on underside of rings as D7 approaches topside.

3.) D7 fires through rings, triggers torpedoes.

4.) ???

5.) D7 approaches Ares on port side.

6.) Ares flies beneath the rings, passing _over_ the Klingon ship, firing phasers.

At first I thought the rings were horizontal, given that _Ares_ was described as going beneath them, but the best visualization for going around rings (as the D7 was described as doing) is if they’re vertical. I suppose you could describe cutting between the planet and the rings, or staying space-side before dropping beneath the plane of the rings and proceeding towards the planet, as “around,” but it really isn’t clear at first read. Also, if Klingon is coming from above the plane of the rings (as evidenced by their firing down) and the _Ares_ is below the plane of the rings (because they’ve gone through them), how is it the _Ares_ is able to fly over the Klingon ship but beneath the rings? Did the Klingons overshoot when coming “around” the rings?

I may have just put more thought into this sequence than the writers did.

_Ares_ fires some torpedoes at the D7, but they don’t do anything. Garth orders the crew to use the rings for cover and keep firing.

SFX shot of this happening with the Klingons in close pursuit, also firing.

Back to the _Ares_ bridge where shields are at eighty percent, in the finest TNG tradition. Also, there’s a plasma leak on Deck Four. Garth asks about the Klingons.

> **Tanaka (off scanner): Their shields are still holding. I think we’re boring them.**

Them and me both.

> **The Bridge ROCKS again. Garth knows he must do something different.**

Because Garth is totes awesome, y’all.

Garth asks for more information on the gas giant.

> **Tanaka: It’s hydrogen gas down to about four thousand klicks, then it turns liquid. That’s your hard deck. Drop below that and we’d hit metallic hydrogen. That would be bad.**

I see someone is a _Battlestar Galactica_ reboot fan. “Maelstrom,” I believe. (For the non-fans out there, in “Maelstrom” the protagonists pursue an enemy ship into the atmosphere of a gas giant, where the density of the gas, referred to as the “hard deck,” plays an important role in the outcome of the battle. Don’t watch it unless you’ve seen the preceding episodes. Spoilers abound.)

> **Garth: Right. Mister Cross, take us in.**

At least we didn’t get a narrated “Garth has a plan” in there.

SFX of _Ares_ disappearing into the planet’s clouds. Imagine either _Wrath of Khan_ or _Battlestar Galactica_. That’s what it would’ve looked like.

> **INT. D-7 – BRIDGE**
> 
> **D-7 Officer: Commander, they’ve entered the planet’s atmosphere!**
> 
> **Morock: Then follow them!**

Compare this scene sequence, the whole battle actually, to [what it wants to be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD9ARfF9x0o).  One is the result of all of the themes and story threads coming together in a climax, whereas the other is a second act space-filler. Where Khan’s pursuit of Kirk was shown as the result of his and Kirk’s relationship, as well as Khan’s own flaws, Morock has no reason for following _Ares_. He could retreat and ambush her when she emerges, for example. The result is that the scene feels quite contrived. I know it’s supposed to come from the setup that Morock “has something to prove,” but we’re never actually shown that as Morock’s motivation. Garth says it is so, so it must be so. Morock’s short exchange with Kharn doesn’t really provide evidence one way or another. A desire to win at all costs or bravado for his commander? It could go either way.  Personally, I think Morock should just sit up there and depth charge the _Ares_ with his torpedoes.  The concussion combined with the atmospheric stress on the hull should give Garth a bad day.  And I am all for giving Our Hero a bad day.

The _Ares_ bridge is trembling because Star Trek Tradition.  (I wish there was a different way to show a ship under stress.  It's a miracle those ships are in decent condition with all of the vibration they're subjected to.)

> **Wagner: The D-7 is pursuing, sir.**
> 
> **Garth: (smiles) Damn right, he is.**

Damn good thing the writers are looking out for our Garth Sue, you mean.

_Ares_ isn’t particularly responsive and Garth reminds his tactical officer (I think. I don’t care enough to go back and double check who Tara is) that phasers won’t work so it’s torpedoes only.

Known Sue Trait: The Sue will always know your job better than you. They’ll tell you about it too.

> **Garth: Ken, find me the densest cloud bank you can, right above the hard deck.**

SFX of the _Ares_ diving through what amounts to a heavy thunderstorm. The D7 pursues.

Aboard the D7, an officer tells the commander that the pressure on the hull is increasing. Morock ignores this valuable information.

> **Morock: Increase speed – I want that ship! Fire torpedoes!**

We’ve got a character willing to risk his ship—one of the few of the Klingon Empire’s most advanced—to win a game of chicken against Garth. He’s giving us Khan-level commitment, but why?

Oh, right, the script says so.

SFX of the torpedoes just missing the _Ares_.

Aboard the _Ares_ , “the shaking is getting worse.” They’re close to the hard deck and the clouds are heavy. They lay torpedoes with proximity fuses. (It’s a nice callback to the start of the battle. I think this is a go-to tactic for Garth. What? I can say nice things.)

SFX shot of what I just described.

Quick cut to the bridge where Garth orders helm to pull up.

SFX of the D7 entering the cloud and a big boom.

Aboard the D7 everyone is thrown about in the best Star Trek tradition and the officer announces that the ship’s hull is failing. Big boom. Everyone dies.

> **EXT. JOVIAN ATMOSPHERE – THE D-7 (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **is but a shadow as it sinks below the hard desk, CRUMPLING.**

Regardless of the typo, I do want to see what Tobias did with this. To my mind it is a _fun_ shot worthy of any fan film. To be honest, despite the similarities to WOK and nuBSG, I think the concept behind this battle is quite strong. It could’ve easily been a climactic battle for a film, but that’s what it really needed to be. It needed to be earned by the characters instead of bestowed by the Script Gods.

Back on the _Ares_ , they’re trying to escape but the ship is beginning to fail.

> **Garth hits the intercom urgently.**
> 
> **Garth: Alexei, I need everything you’ve got.**

_Alexei (Scottish): I’m givin’ her all she’s got, capt’n._

In reality…

> **Leonov (V.O.) (filtered): I’m giving you power I don’t have!**
> 
> **Garth: We’re almost there…**

Sometimes it’s better to let the actor act than give him a line. This would be one of those places. Of course, it assumes an actor capable of showing a man willing his ship to survive.

We finish with a shot of the _Ares_ escaping the planet.

> **There’s a BLINDING FLASH in the atmosphere below – the D-7’s antimatter escaping. Then A VAST DARK HOLE OPENS in the clouds. The planet has a battle scar.**
> 
> **(Note:[The image should be reminiscent of the visible impact scares left when Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 hit Jupiter in 1994](https://nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov/imgcat/hires/hst_sl9g_5.gif)).**

I wouldn’t mind seeing this shot either.

We end, much to my surprise, not with the legend of Garth growing or everyone standing around impressed, but with the crew’s obvious relief at their escape. The scene ends on Garth taking the data disk out of his pocket.

In all, this wasn't actually as bad a battle as perhaps my line-by-line made it out to be.  It definitely was slower and more confusing than it should have been and tech-tech was substituted for good characterization.  Additionally, the coolness of the battle in the planet's atmosphere felt unearned due to the poor setup and it was cheapened by all of the holes it opened.  (Why didn't Morock just depth charge the _Ares_?  _Ares_ used a shock wave to destroy the D7.  The more dense the medium, the more powerful the shockwave. If the _Ares_ is a weaker ship than the D7, how was it not damaged to the point of destruction by it's proximity to either the missed Klingon torpedoes or its own.)

Had some of the problems been cleaned up and _Axanar_ been produced, I think this is what would have been talked about as a great moment in Star Trek fan films.  It didn't reach a professional level of polish, but it would definitely have been something new and engaging for the hardcore fan film fans.


	11. Admire the Sue

> **EXT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **Establishing…it’s the earliest hours of morning.**
> 
> **INT. STARFLEET OPERATIONS – WAR ROOM (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **The dog watch is on. The room is dark, with coffee flowing, screen-lit faces, and tension in the air.**

Well, they got the coffee right.

Otherwise, the writers once again demonstrate their ability to use jargon without understanding what it means. In this case, they’re using a naval term: “dog watch.” However, the dog watch does not refer to the “earliest hours of the morning.” That’s midwatch or, perhaps, the first hour of the morning watch. The dog watches cover the afternoon to evening ([1600 to 1800 and 1800 to 2000](http://www.rmg.co.uk/discover/explore/what-are-watches-board-ship)).

I suppose the writers could be using “dog watch” in the newsroom sense of the term, but that appears to be more for [late night work](http://www.word-detective.com/2009/07/graveyard-dog-lobster-shift/) than early morning work. In any case, until I see someone at Starfleet Command yelling “Stop the presses” into an old-style telephone, I’ll assume they were trying to sound like they had an understanding of naval parlance. Yeah, they failed.

Some days you can sneak those dramatic phrases you don’t fully understand by the reader. And some days your reader has been reading naval history and naval historical fiction since childhood, and has stood watches at sea.

> **Ramirez is showing the President a BATTLE PLAN on the viewscreen. The word Axanar appears on it.**

More screenwatching. Thrilling.

The president asks if Ramirez is sure about “this”—more false tension—and Ramirez responds that “this is [their] best chance” and that they have to end the war soon. The president starts to say that the Vulcans won’t back them and express doubts about the strength of the D7s, but is interrupted by a phone call from the _Ares_. (This isn’t the first time conversations have been interrupted by phone calls. It’s happened often enough that it’s broken my suspension of disbelief. I’m beginning to think the writers have trouble building scenes with dialogue that have natural beginning, middles, and ends, alongside tension. They use the interruptions to try and raise tension as well as extricate themselves from a conversation that’s going nowhere.)

Alas, Garth is not calling to stop the presses. He’s got the disk.

> **There’s APPLAUSE around the room. Ramirez looks pleased.**

I see Starfleet is like my old high school: your secret is safe with everybody.

Really, the line is just a bit of ego stroking. There’s no reason for the crowd to break into applause. No indication has been given that these extras are concerned about whether or not Garth will get the disk, or even that they know about it. _Apollo 13_ this is not.

> **Admiral Ramirez: I trust the mission went smoothly?**
> 
> **Garth: I’m afraid not. The agent was dead when we arrived. (beat) This was a trap, Admiral. Kharn himself was waiting for us.**

I would love to know what was going through Garth’s head during that beat. “Well, Admiral. First, I transported a security team to the planet despite not having any sensor data on what they were beaming into. Actually, I didn’t even try scanning for life forms until after they’d beamed down. Ditto for Klingon ships. Second, my security team wasn’t trained on how to secure an area, so they left the outpost unsearched, which gave the Klingon team ample places to hide. Why they didn’t blow us to pieces right when we beamed in, I don’t know. Oh, also, one of my security team was so undisciplined that he _challenged a Klingon to a knife fight_ , meaning he wasn’t in position to cover the rest of us from his tactically advantageous place on a ridge. I really only got out of there because the Great Bird of Galaxy loves me. I mean, I got lucky. You know what they say, right? ‘Better to be lucky than good.’”

In a better script, this could actually be a really great moment that reveals Garth’s less-than-stellar character and shows how unreliable he is. He screws up and covers it up. Real tension could develop: will he be caught? Not to mention the effects of internal conflict: knowing he’s a loser, but desperately wanting accolades. Here could be seeds of Garth’s megalomania like we saw in “Whom Gods Destroy.” This would require making Garth interesting—also known as imperfect—which is impossible for a Mary Sue.

Garth reports that he escaped the D7.

> **Admiral Ramirez: You disabled it?**
> 
> **Garth: We destroyed it.**
> 
> **A spontaneous CHEER of surprise erupts around the room.**

Yeah, just line up to kiss his feet, guys. Yeah, feet. We’ll go with that. Let’s keep it G-rated, like the King James Bible.

Garth decides he can afford to share the spotlight so he credits his co-star, the gas giant. He then claims that they’re no match for the D7. If only I’d gotten that impression from what I was shown.

> **Admiral Ramirez: Maybe, but that’s one less we have to deal with. Well done, Captain. I need you and your crew back here right away. We’ve got work to do.**

Good thing I’m not taking a shot every time someone praises Garth. This scene would do me in. Yeah, I’m a lightweight.

> **Garth: Very well, sir. We’re on our way.**
> 
> **The transmission CUTS. More CHEERING erupts in the room.**

Garth is so awesome. He’s praised even when he’s not there to see it. Also a Known Sue Trait.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, they’ve just about teched it back together. They’ve also discovered that the data disk is blank. Chang is unconcerned. They had tech encryption that is impossible to break without the key. Fortunately, K’Orax is listening in. Finally, Chang reveals that the D7 was lost and Garth espcaed.

> **CLOSE ON KHARN**
> 
> **There are no words in English or Klingon that can describe Kharn’s fury at Garth of Izar…nor his hunger for revenge.**

That line would better fit the novel.

Then the script fades out and tells us that we’ve reached the end of act two. Think they were planning on commercial breaks? The script sure reads like it.

General thoughts on Act Two: It’s more of the same. More of the same flat characters and more of the same weak plot. These problems are compounded by a painful lack of knowledge of basic military operations, or even common sense. It doesn’t help that despite his truly astonishing incompetence, Garth not only suffers no consequences but he is praised like the second coming of Sun Tzu.

 

Fan film challenge:  In fifteen minutes or fewer, tell a story that makes use of a given character, prop, and line.  Bonus points for writing and shooting it in a weekend in the tradition of the [48 hour film competition](http://www.48hourfilm.com/home).

Character: Starfleet Officer

Prop: Telephone

Line: "Stop the presses."

Yeah, I really want to see this.


	12. In Which Nothing Happens (1/2)

Act Three sees something new enter the script: visual subtext. Usually, when we think of subtext, we think about the dialogue or scene structure or an actor’s body language. In theater and film we can also get subtext through how a moment is staged or shot is composed. It’s one of the greatest strengths of visual storytelling, and also one of the most underused.

> **EXT. SPACE – THE EARTH (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **rises over the Moon’s surface, an image as stirring in the 22 nd century as it was in 1968. The ARES enters the frame, cruising past the Moon on its way home.**

The image the VFX is supposed to reproduce here, of course, is the [Apollo 8 “Earthrise” photograph](https://www.nasa.gov/multimedia/imagegallery/image_feature_1249.html). Juxtaposed with _Ares_ it says “this is where we were and this is where we are”: the history of space in the Trek universe. But it’s not the graceful Constitution class in the shot, which might turn our thoughts towards the noble goal of exploration. Instead it’s that squat little bruiser _Ares_. War started the space race and even in 22nd century, war still defines our relationship with the stars. There’s more theme in that one shot than the rest of the script.

The lack of visual subtext prior to this point, as well as a general weakness in using visual storytelling (e.g. letting actor’s “speak” without dialogue instead of having them spell it all out) makes me think the subtext here was unintentional. It was probably just something else thrown in because it looked cool. Sometimes, however, subtext is one of those things we aren’t consciously aware of. As writers develop their skills, they learn how to manipulate it to add depth to a story. Still, it’s a tricky thing. When readers bring their own knowledge and experience to a work, they may pick up on subtext that even the experienced writer didn’t notice.

Aboard _Ares_ , we are back in Garth’s quarters where Garth “works at his desk.”

Really? _Really?_ The _Ares_ was just in a knife-fight with a Klingon supership and we’re seeing Garth at his _desk_? He’s not with the engineers and damage control teams trying to coax the lady back to Earth under her own power, patching her up with spit, prayers, and curses? He’s not checking on the wounded in sickbay? We’re just back to business as usual, completely undermining the idea that the _Ares_ barely made it out of that fight?

I guess we have to get our money’s worth on the Garth’s Quarters set, so that’s where we’ll be. I hope it’s dramatic.

> **Tanaka (V.O.) (filtered): Captain, there’s something you need to see.**
> 
> **Garth: Ken, I appreciate Earthrise as much as anyone in Starfleet,, but…**
> 
> **Tanaka (V.O.) (filtered): No, sir. That’s not what I’m talking about. Just trust me.**

Oh, false tension. What fun. As a quick overview, false tension is when a writer feels that there needs to be some tension or drama in the story, but the story itself is utterly lacking in drama. Therefore they act coy with information, as if it will do something other than frustrate the audience. If you find your characters are withholding information that a real person would not withhold, you’re creating false drama. (And, yes, in real life Tanaka would not withhold information when calling the captain. If there’s something the captain needs to see, you tell hir upfront what it is. Ignore this convention at your peril.)

Garth goes onto the bridge where “something on the viewscreen has transfixed the Bridge crew.”

> **Garth: All right, what’s got you all so—**
> 
> **ANGLE ON THE VIEWSCREEN**
> 
> **on which a nearly complete CONSTITUTION CLASS STARSHIP can be seen, glowing with flood light in its Space Dock cradle. We see the name on its hull: USS Enterprise.**

That’s it? Not only does it not justify Tanaka’s vague call, it’s not a particularly dramatic reveal for the most famous ship in Star Trek, and one of the most famous ships in science fiction. The reveal of the _Enterprise_ should be a moment that makes every Trekkie want to cheer and bring a tear to their collective eye. It should be a catharsis.

It’s not even important enough to get a reaction out of Garth.

> **Tanaka and Garth exchange a smile.**

Garth hails _Enterprise_ to “give [their] regards.” Of course, following the tradition established in the script, this cannot happen until Captain April says something nice about Garth.

> **April: Welcome home, Ares! I’m glad you’re in one piece.**

_Meta-Captain April: You still owe me a bottle of Scotch._

To be fair, it is a natural line.

Garth praises _Enterprise_ and April agrees in a noncommittal fashion. I’m sure the writer’s intend Garth and April to be more-or-less peers, but the way I’m reading it is that Garth is little puppy desperate for the approval of the pack leader.

> **A WOMAN in Science blue wraps her arm around April.**

No. Just, no. The “woman” is Sarah April—and the script really should have just named her to reduce confusion. There was no reason to hide her name. This isn’t a novel, after all. She’s married to the captain. Sure, it’s a nice, affectionate gesture. If you’re at the Homeowner’s Association cookout. It’s very unprofessional for two ship’s officers on duty.

I sailed with a married couple once. It took a week for the new crewmembers to realize that they were married. They only figured it out because the couple had the same last name on their merchant mariner’s licenses. What I’m saying is that, in order for shipboard life to be bearable for everyone, you really have to regulate your relationship behavior. You keep it professional until you hit the dock.

In universe, I could buy more casual relationships aboard a Galaxy-class ship since civilian family members were onboard, but I’d expect far more professionalism from a Constitution-class ship.

As a final note, you may remember that I was disgusted by the relationship between Corax and Garth in a way that I’m not disturbed here. The difference in the two relationships is one of power. The scene between Corax and Garth strikes me as having a heavy power imbalance between the two characters. This moment between Sarah and Robert April shows the pair as equals. It’s encouraging. I wasn’t sure the writers knew how to create such a relationship.

The whole purpose of this phone call is for Robert April to arrange a date with Garth. They’re going to meet for drinks at the Stock ENT Bar, or 602 Club. Really. It doesn’t do anything to further the story or give us new insights into the character. We could just as easily have seen _Enterprise_ , gotten a line about April being around, and jumped straight into the bar scene.

To save us from this boring scene where we enter orbit, we hear of a message from Ramirez. He wants to meet with Garth. Good thing he called now because Garth’s social calendar is filling up fast. The scene ends with Garth ordering Interchangeable Crewman Cross to proceed with docking.

In the corridor, because if we’re going to build a corridor set for our fan film we had best not use it for something interesting like a damage control scene but save it for a walk-and-talk instead, Leonov corners Garth.

> **Leonov: (hands Garth a pad) Captain. I’ve submitted these parts requisitions, but I need your help to push them through.**

Even the bureaucracy bows to your will, Garth the Magnificent.

> **You blew out three phaser power cells yesterday.**

You are a greater combat captain than Benjamin Sisko. He only used up [one per mission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taWiUCvttuM).

> **I need new ones, along with seals for the aft torpedo launchers.**

You’d think this would be one of the things Garth was working on at his desk earlier.

> **Garth: All right.**

As long as Leonov keeps talking about how Garth can do things he can't.  Feed the beast.

Leonov asks for more tech.

> **Garth exchanges an amused glance with Tanaka.**

One of Garth’s most common reactions in this script is “amusement” or some variation of it. He’s not showing anything remotely resembling a full range of emotions. I’ve seen this before. In those cases, the writer (and, occasionally, the actor) were afraid of showing something negative. They were afraid of being less than perfect. The result was a character was not anchored to what was happening by his responses. He just drifted along on a sense of superior amusement. It ruins suspension of disbelief because the audience gets the impression that the character has read the script.

Leonov also wants a piece of tech designed for the Constitution class.

> **Garth: Is it compatible with our warp matrix?**
> 
> **Leonov: It will be when I’m done with it.**

In other words, _Ares_ is just not quite awesome enough and needs a power-up. This, incidentally, is another Sue trait. They start with a super awesome possession of some sort and, over the course of the story, it gains even more awesome attributes. Sues just can’t stand for anyone to have something better than what they do or for anyone to be better at something than they are. This does not make them admirable; it makes them boring.

Garth tells Leonov he’ll get what he wants.

> **Leonov: Not if I have to fight those idiots in supply.**

“Those idiots” are responsible for outfitting an entire fleet, not just one ship. Given that the Federation is losing the war, it’s a safe bet the demand for components and maintenance far outstrips the supply. “Those idiots” have to distinguish between wants and needs, and work out how to best use what’s available.

> **Garth: Alexei, have I ever not gotten you what you needed?**

Of course, that background characters are the heroes of their own stories has not occurred to the writers. Here, they are a weak obstacle for Our Heroes to steamroll over.

Something tells me that Garth is one of those people with whom every cashier is familiar. They strut into the store with a haircut that screams “I want to speak to your manager” from fifty paces. When they ask about an item and you tell them it’s out of stock, they first demand that you check the back. Then they demand you check every store in the state. When you explain it’s a very popular item and you can order it, but it will be a couple of weeks, they throw the “do you know who I am” hissy-fit and demand a manager. Bonus points if they threaten to have you fired at some point.

That scene, by the way, was another entirely pointless one. It only established that _Ares_ was going to get an upgrade and that Garth Sue is able to line jump the other captains when it comes to getting his ship outfitted. Because he is just that awesome.


	13. In Which Nothing Happens (2/2)

We continue to talk and walk right into the transporter room. Gotta get our money’s worth out of that set!

Here we’re introduced to Lieutenant Hyree, the “Fleet Operations Officer.” I’m sure this character will be very memorable.

> **Garth: (shakes hands) Welcome aboard, Lieutenant. You come highly recommended.**
> 
> **Hyree: Thank you, Captain. I’m looking forward to serving with you.**
> 
> **Garth: Glad to hear it. It’ll be crowded up on the Bridge, so you’ll have to share a seat with Wagner here.**
> 
> **Wagner: (at Hyree’s expression) He’s joking, Lieutenant.**

_Meta-Lieutenant Hyree: Is it too soon to request a transfer to Enterprise?_

Because the first thing a good leader does when a new team member comes onboard, is make a joke at their expense. That’s sure to make them feel comfortable and confident in your leadership.

Something tells me Garth was one of those kids in school who picked on the nerds and then defended himself with “I was only _jo-king._ Geeze. Where’s your sense of humor?”

Garth smiles at Hyree, hands hir—Hyree’s gender isn’t specified—off to Wagner and Tanaka, and steps onto the transporter pad.

> **Standing next to the TRANSPORTER CHIEF, Leonov notices something on the console.**

Back from the longest bathroom break in history. Also, false tension alert!

> **Leonov: Sir, these coordinates are outside.**

I’m not sure why it matters other than false tension.

> **Garth: That’s correct. Until I get back it’s your ship, Alexei. Energize.**

Alexei is in charge? What’s the point of having a First Officer, then? Tanaka is onboard the ship. That’s not going to cause any confusion whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

> **Leonov: (to the Chief): It’s always my ship.**

Ah, that’s why. We had to get that line in. (I like the line. I just find the setup for it a bit ludicrous.)

Garth transports to the “Japanese gardens of Starfleet Headquarters” where Ramirez is waiting for him.  Because what we need is another walk-and-talk.  It [beats a green screen in a parking lot](http://www.lamag.com/citythinkblog/scene-it-before-the-japanese-garden-from-star-trek/), I guess.

Ramirez tells Garth that it’s unlikely they’ll break the encryption on the disk.

> **Garth: That’s not entirely surprising.**

It’s not surprising to the audience either. We already heard it from Chang.

Ramirez also bemoans that the Klingons got their supership into production first. The Klingons are launching D7s and “the Constitution class isn’t ready.”

I don’t know about you, but I always thought the Constitution class should be a kick-ass warship built to wipe the floor with the Klingons, not one of those wimpy vessels of exploration. It’s what Gene would’ve wanted.

> **Garth: Are we still--?**
> 
> **Ramirez stops and holds up his hand – he’s spotted something. Garth turns to see Soval and another VULCAN MAN approaching.**

Never say in one sentence what you could say in two. I’m sure that’s expert screenwriting advice right there. And, look! Another interruption to try and generate some sense of movement in this stagnant scene.

Soval apologizes for interrupting and Ramirez introduces him to Garth. Soval thanks Garth for returning the body of the Vulcan agent and Garth responds with the cliché “I wish we could have gotten to him sooner.” Soval interprets Garth as being sincere and tells Garth the man’s death was not his responsibility. Too bad Soval didn’t know that Garth has not given second thought to the dead Vulcan, or anyone else for that matter. The effects of this war bounce right off of that shallow little brain of his.

Soval then introduces his replacement: Sarek. Soval is being recalled by the High Council as they are considering withdrawing from the Federation. (Yeah, this scene is Exposition Central, just like the other walk-and-talks. I’m beginning to think these scenes are dangerous for screenwriters. George Lucas fell into the same trap with the _Star Wars_ prequels. Once the characters start walking through scenery and shooting the breeze, it’s all over.)

Garth demonstrates that he slept through required courses on diplomacy at the Academy. Not that Sues are known for their tact.

> **Garth: A founding member deserting the Federation in its hour of need? This is like the Romulan War all over again.**

Unlike what I expected based on Sue tradition, however, Garth actually suffers a repercussion. He doesn’t get a sharp look from his CO—that would be a little too much for a Sue to take—but Sarek doesn’t put up with it.

> **Sarek:** **Vulcan did not join this union to be party to unending hostilities. We are a peaceful people, Captain. The conflict between Earth and the Klingons predates the Federation.**

Burn. I think that’s spot-on characterization for Sarek.

Anyway, exposition delivered so Sarek and Soval leave. Garth sees the situation as being “a lot more complicated” with Vulcan’s impending exit, but Ramirez thinks Soval was trying to help.

> **Admiral Ramirez: It’ll take at least two weeks for Vulcan to withdraw all its ships and crews from Starfleet operations. That gives us a window. (beat) Congratulations, Fleet Captain. Your battle plan for Axanar is now our highest priority. We launch as soon as you’re ready.**

A ticking clock. Unfortunately, this script plods so badly I doubt it will play any significant role in increasing tension in the story, which is what ticking clocks are for. Also, I question whether or not Vulcan would really permit its ships and crews to participate in a battle when they’ve made the decision to withdraw from the war. Soval says it’s a “lengthy process” to separate their assets from Starfleet’s, but we don’t really know why so it feels a bit contrived.


	14. Halfway There

Alas, this one will be light on snark.  It's a bland little scene.

Yes, we are on page 53 of 106. There’s no apparent theme; the plot is all over the place; and I still can’t tell most of the secondary characters a part, but we are halfway through.

> **EXT. SPACE – KHARN’S D-6 (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **approaches a massive SPACE STATION in orbit of Qo’nos, bristling with weapons and docking areas for the repair and construction of warships.**

A little paralleling is nice and draws the audience’s attention to the similarities between the protagonist and the antagonist. Constant paralleling is redundant and wastes time that could be better used developing characters and story.

> **The Klingons call it The Stormweyer.**

Because when I think "Klingon," I think ["Germany."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weyer)  And as we all know, adding "storm" to anything makes it a hundred times cooler.  Really, they should just commit to the German and call it _sturmweyer_.  (I do not speak German.  That makes me at least as qualified to name things in Klingon as the authors.)

Seriously, though, this type of naming--random foreign-sounding (to the English-speaking authors) words--does nothing to further worldbuilding.  It's pasted on instead of organically growing from the Klingon language and culture.  As such, it draws the audience's eye right to it instead of blending in with the scenery.

Not that it matters.  This line is thrown in for the script reader's benefit.  It's not shared with the audience via superimposition or dialogue.  That's probably for the best.  They might laugh instead of being properly intimidated.

> **Kharn’s D-6 docks at the station beside A NEWLY BUILT D-7.**

Continuing the nearest thing we have to a theme: see it from the Federation side and then see the exact same thing again from the Klingon side.

The ship docks and Kharn, showing a mastery of delegation, orders Chang to oversee repairs. He’s going to chat with “the Generals” so that they can plan the next battle. Chang would rather join Kharn, but Kharn’s had just about enough of him and snaps at Chang to follow orders. Oh, and Kharn’s still playing with the knife and Pedestal for Dramatic Knife Slamming.

Aboard the Klingon space station, Kharn meets up with Mor’o. We’ll think of him as the Ramirez counterpart.

> **Mor’o: You look troubled, Kharn. Tell me of your mission.**

Joy. We’ve seen it; heard it from the Federation side; and now we get to hear it again from the Klingon side. Did I say you could shave half an hour off this thing if you cut the repetition? I meant to say you could cut it in half.

> **They walk together. Kharn is visibly displeased.**

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yes. It’s _another_ walk-and-talk. This is the third one in a row.   (The first two were the _Ares_ corridor and Starfleet’s Japanese gardens.)

> **Kharn:** **My crew was beaten, the data was lost, and a D-7 was destroyed. All due to the actions of one clever Starfleet Captain. The Chancellor’s wrath will be severe.**

[The Sue must always be praised](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhrfhQbY0K8).  What’s hilarious from the audience perspective, though, is that Garth’s cleverness is largely an informed attribute. There was certainly no cleverness in his behavior on the planet; the only reason he came out on top is because the Klingons didn’t behave in a remotely believable fashion. We had the same problem with the Jovian battle. Garth didn’t win because he was matched against an equal opponent and out maneuvered him; he won because the writers made his opponent astonishingly stupid.

Here, the script tries to fix that little problem.

> **Mor’o: I’ll remind him then that you advised against giving a D-7 to the untried son of a Council member.**

Of course, that doesn’t negate the fact that it was Kharn who ordered this “untried son of a Council member” to pursue _Ares_. I’ll refresh your memory.

From page 33,

> **Kharn: Morock…son of Kursk. Now is the time to prove yourself worthy of the honor you have been given. The fleeing ship belongs to Garth of Izar. Hunt it down and destroy it.**

If Kharn truly believed Morock was incapable of commanding the D7 then why would he send it after Garth, especially since he seems to think Garth is some cunning adversary? The only possible reason might be to sacrifice one ship to keep the disk out of Starfleet hands. Of course, they know it’s impossible for Starfleet to break the encryption, so that reason fades away.

No, I strongly suspect that the writers are retconning the script on the fly here. Garth needs to be a tactical genius worthy of Kirk’s admiration. Unfortunately, his victory didn’t show any tactical genius. He only won because his opponent didn’t show any common sense. Therefore, they have to explain why the opponent showed no common sense. Clearly, it was because he was unfit but got the job due to family connections. Unfortunately, it paints Kharn in a bad light if he gave a supership to someone unfit for command. Therefore, Kharn has to have protested against it. And in making those slight adjustments to the script to correct the Jovian battle, they forgot all about Kharn ordering Morock after Garth.

As I said before, Starfleet isn’t winning because they’re smart. They’re winning because the writers gave the Klingons the Idiot Ball.

Incidentally, this problem could’ve been fixed with a little showing (provided the writers were feeling adventurous.) Have Kharn order Morock to pursue but not engage. He’s supposed to track the _Ares_ not destroy it. Then give us a scene on the D7 bridge where Morock decides to exceed his orders, despite the objections of his crew. Use that scene to show us Morock’s inexperience, insecurity, and hubris.

They chat a bit more. The Vulcan spy was part of a Romulan delegation. The Klingons are trying to trade for cloaking technology. Kharn is down because the talks are not moving forward.

> **Mor’o: Pity the warrior who slays all his foes. Better to earn an honest victory than make a devil’s bargain for an easy one.**

That first sentence is taken from the DS9 episode [“Second Sight.”](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0708597/quotes)  It’s supposed to be a line from a Klingon poem, [“The Fall of Kang.”](http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/The_Fall_of_Kang)  It’s inclusion here is a little Easter egg for the fans and also supposed to add depth to Klingon culture. Unfortunately, it knocked me out of the story. Why? Voice. The first sentence reads very differently from every other line of dialogue in the screenplay thus far, and differently from other lines of dialogue for this character. It has cadence and poetry to it. It is followed by a line calculated to sound deep and meaningful, but which trips on a tortured metaphor. The result is not of a character quoting a line of poetry and then slipping back into his own unique speech, a natural thought pattern, but of a line from a better show pasted into a work that’s trying far too hard. (The impression is not helped by the character stringing two sayings, for lack of a better word, together. Most people don’t speak that way unless they’re being painfully pretentious.)

Mor’o divines that something else is bothering Kharn and Kharn describes his vision from earlier in the script. Kharn doesn’t know if it represents his death or that of his enemies.

> **Mor’o: A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.**

This one comes from DS9’s [“Blood Oath.”](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0708507/quotes)

Three proverbial sayings in a five-line exchange is far too many. Mor’o isn’t a character, he’s stereotype.

> **Your vision is an omen, Kharn. Its meaning will become clear. Trust your instincts.**

And he’s a character that gets most of his advice from popular self help books.


	15. A Sue Walks into a Bar...

And what happens is exactly what you would expect.

> **Garth ENTERS and heads for the bar. STARFLEET OFFICERS greet him enthusiastically, reaching out to shake his hand and pat him on the back as he goes.**

At her heart, a Mary Sue is a wish-fulfillment character. As such we are all familiar with her. She pops up when we imagine that pithy comeback for a conversation from earlier in the day. She shows up in online comments when people say “If I had been there…” in response to some tragedy. She is the ego unrestrained.

That’s why Mary Sues struggle as characters: they’re not written for an audience. They’re written for the author’s own self-glorification. The result is that while all of us may recognize a Sue, few of us can identify with her. It’s like trying to identify with the guy at the bar who brags about how great he is, and how good he is at his job, and so on and so forth. If you can’t identify with the character whose story it is, or at least care about her, then the story will fail. Just like how no one outside of a circle of sycophants listens to the guy at the bar.

So, Garth Sue enters the 602 Club and gets treated like a celebrity, which reveals far more to the audience about the writers than the character. (Also, I just love how the only description of this scene is of people praising Garth. Nothing to set the atmosphere of the Club. Nope. Just praising Garth. Otherwise it’s an entirely generic bar.)

> **Despite this, Garth has a scowl on his face when he sits at the bar next to Captain April.**

In true Sue fashion, Garth must angst. This is to keep him appearing humble, because pride in fiction is the deadliest of sins. It’s false humility, though. You’ll note Garth doesn’t actually _do_ anything to keep people from praising him. He laps it up every scene.

> **April: There he is. (raises his glass) Hail, the conquering hero!**

Right now I’m imagining the most brilliant sarcasm on April’s part, a continuation of his subtle domination of Garth in their first scene together. Garth, being self absorbed and lacking the ability to laugh at himself, would miss it entirely.  I expect it's meant to be played straight, however, given the context.

> **Garth: Hero, my ass.**

Ah, Garth. You’re so cute when you act like a teenager.

April pours Garth a drink of…”something.” The specificity really places me in the scene. They could’ve at least gone with the tired old Star Trek cliché of Romulan Ale. I would’ve ragged on it, but at least it’s Trek.

> **April: Uh-oh. Better cool your manifolds with this.**

Really. [Calling a rabbit a smeerp](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CallARabbitASmeerp) does not automatically signify good world-building. Here, it comes off as a little ridiculous. In other words, just use the damn idiom.

> **I had old Howe save us a bottle of the good stuff.**

_Meta-Captain April: For me. This is the cheap stuff in a fancy bottle. Also, you’re buying._

April asks what’s bothering Garth. I’m sure it’s unintentional, but the implication is that Garth would normally be reveling in the positive attention of his peers.

> **Garth: Do you remember what it was like to explore? Chart new star systems, discover new races?**

This, my friends, is what we call “on the nose” dialogue. In reality, people don’t say exactly what they’re thinking. They talk around the issue. What they’re really feeling comes out in the subtext. For example, look at Meta-Captain April’s statement above. What can you infer about Garth and their relationship from it? That’s subtext. A real Garth, lost in thought, wouldn’t ask such a flat question. He might instead tell a story about a favorite discovery.

Of course, he might then get a real answer from Captain April instead of what he gets.

> **April: Of course. You’ve done more of it than anyone. But that was before the war.**

And this is what we call “[As you know, Bob](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AsYouKnow?from=Main.AsYouKnowBob).”  It’s pure exposition. Usually you get one character giving another an important plot element. Here, there is no reason for this line other than to provide more ego-stroking for the Sue. It’s not enough for everyone in the bar to pat Garth on the back and shake his hand, no, the writers now must make sure his conversation partner praises him as well.

Garth next angsts about his expanded responsibilities. Prior to the war, he worried about his ship. Now he concerns himself with the Fleet and Axanar.

This might actually be a good character moment worthy of a better title than “angst,” but we’ve seen no indication that Garth feels the weight of the responsibility. He was just promoted a couple of scenes ago. He didn’t protest to Ramirez that he wasn’t ready, that he just wanted to serve as a ship captain. He didn’t point out his skills were for dogfights, not fleet actions. Nope, Ramirez gave him a promotion and we ended the scene with an unspecified reaction.

If this were a more well-rounded character, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I would allow for the possibility that a good actor can say a hell of a lot without ever opening his mouth, and he could show a Garth aging under the weight of the responsibility. A good actor could take us from Garth’s shock, to pleasure, to the realization that he’s into something huge now and he’s not sure he can handle it.

This, however, is a Sue. I highly doubt the writers planned for that level of complexity. More likely, the Sue would smirk out of a sense of superiority confirmed at receiving a promotion. He would only give lip service to the responsibility for false humility’s sake.

> **April: (considers this) You know, I had dinner with the old man and Professor Kenmore last night. They were impressed as hell by the way you handled that D-7.**

Is that some sort of Starfleet euphemism?

_Meta-Captain April: It is now._

Garth angsts some more, claiming that they “got [their] asses kicked” and are lucky to be alive. It’s all for show because we never saw this on screen. Go read the Jovian scene again. At any point, did you fear Garth wouldn’t win? Did the battle appear a struggle for him? Then read the following _Ares_ scenes. At any point, did you get the impression that the ship was falling apart and it was taking every resource the crew had to get her home?

Nope. _Ares_ waltzed through the battle with a little shake ‘n spark. Next scene, Garth was doing paperwork in his quarters and everyone oohed and aahed over _Enterprise_.

> **April: Bullshit. You make your own luck.**

_Meta-Captain April: I saw what you did with those dice._

> **Your Axanar plan is brilliant, Kel, but no plan survives enemy contact.**

I don’t think April accounted for the [Black Hole Sue](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackHoleSue) when he decided to quote Helmuth Von Moltke.  Incidentally, that phrase is such a cliché by this point it screams “we want to sound like we knew something about war, but all of our knowledge comes from Hollywood.” Writers, give it a rest.  If you absolutely have to use it, at least [hang a tasteful lampshade on it](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LampshadeHanging).

Anyway, let’s take a moment here to review what this scene consists of.

Everyone in the bar praises Garth.

April praises Garth.

April talks about some people off-screen, who praised Garth.

April praises Garth’s plan and then praises Garth again for the same thing he praised Garth for the first time.

This Sue is a bottomless pit. There will never be enough praise to satisfy it. No character in this scene, present or mentioned, is allowed to exist outside of his/her relationship to the Sue. More than that, no character is allowed to do anything other than praise the Sue.

> **You’ll have nearly a hundred ships under your command, but when the Klingons attack, you can’t control it all. Some of your ships aren’t coming home. That’s just how it is.**

Because this is something a combat captain wouldn’t already know.

This trite little line isn’t here for Garth. It’s not even exposition for the audience’s benefit. This line is because, as with the one above, the writer’s desperately wanted to give the audience the impression that they understand war. As with the one above, it fails just as badly due to how superficial it is.

Garth considers what April says, probably trying to figure out how much the older captain has drunk by this point to be babbling on about things they both know.

April isn’t done praising Garth, though. Also, we haven’t had anyone tell us what happened earlier in the script for at least three pages, so we need a recap. No, seriously.

> **April (cont’d): Look, we thought the D-7 was damn near invincible until your engagement. You recovered critical data, brought a good man’s body home, and picked up a new source of intel.**

If I get one more recap of the first half of this script, I’m going to start drinking like April. I think every character has recapped it at this point, each time to praise Garth.

Garth grumps about the data being encrypted and doesn’t think that they’ll get any useful intel out of the Klingon prisoner because “all he did was grunt at us the whole way back to Earth.”

It sure would’ve been nice to see that instead of having the Klingon prisoner vanish for half the script.

April says that Sonya and Trask will be interrogating the Klingon. He’s hopeful that will produce results.

Garth wants to watch.  We'll hope he keeps his hands off the D-7.  (Sorry, sorry.  I just couldn't resist.)

> **April: Better bring the bottle.**

_Meta-Captain April: Bad booze is still booze and I’m off duty._


	16. No Intelligence Here (1/2)

Writers like to imagine that their stories are unique. Stories created for mass consumption, however, tend to follow the stories that came before them. They have to have something unique to set them a part from the crowd, of course, but you will see elements that stories in various genres share. That’s not a bad thing. While crossing genres or working outside genre conventions is exciting, those same conventions help an audience place what kind of book they’re reading or what kind of movie they’re watching. The conventions help people decide if that piece of media is what they want to consume at that point in time.

This screenplay has a problem: it doesn’t know what it wants to be. On the one hand, it wants to be epic sci-fi, a war movie. On the other hand, it introduces elements of thrillers or spy movies. While I have no doubt a skilled writer could seamlessly integrate these elements, here the script reads like two different stories cut together.

Here we get an interrogation scene right out of a thriller. Alas, it lacks the thrills.

The scene starts with an Andorian, Captain Trask, and a extra, I mean, unnamed intelligence officer, talking outside of an interrogation room.

> **Garth and April APPROACH, drinks in hand.**

I’d say that professionalism doesn’t appear to exist in Starfleet, but I’m guessing that only Garth Sue and the people with him can get away with this behavior. It’s appalling. You have people trying to work and a couple of sightseers come in with their cocktails, looking for a show.

War isn’t a party. Intelligence isn’t a party. Characters that treat these things like a party are not “good guys.” Writers who designated characters as “good guys” and then have them behave like this don’t understand how characterization works. Or how reality works.

The Klingon has been largely uncooperative, giving only his name, rank, and position aboard Kharn’s ship. This is despite Starfleet Intelligence’s “teams,” which have been “working on him all day.” I hope the writer’s are misusing the phrase “working on him,” because in the context of this type of scene it usually means a Jack Bauer-style interrogation.

Language matters, guys.

Garth asks where Sonya is. She’s talking to the prisoner, Erok.

> **EROK sits in a chair with his hands CLAMPED to the table before him. Captain Sonya Alexander leans over him.**

Damn. I really wanted to know what a Starfleet interrogation room looked like. If you’re going to take your war story off into the weeds, you might as well take some time to give us a little atmosphere.

The scene starts with Alexander trying to offer better food in exchange for information. At least, I think that’s what’s happening. There could equally have been a little innuendo in there, based on the vague staging we’re given. Choices! (If you’re writing for a performance, always be aware that your actors could make very different choices from how you envision the character. Write with care.)

Oh, and we get another rabbit/smeerp moment. It’s neither clever nor does it add to the characterization of the Klingon. It’s just…there.

After demonstrating she knows a little about Klingon culture by referring to _gagh_ , Alexander tries another approach.

> **Alexander: How’d you like to stand up, stretch a little…maybe beat the _baktag_ out of a Starfleet Captain? If you think you’re strong enough for it.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: She’s not._

_Meta-Captain April: She is._

Yes, Captain Alexander is challenging a Klingon prisoner to a fight. She must’ve had the same teachers at the Academy that Redshirt Carter (the knife-fighter on the planet) had. No wonder the Federation is losing this war.

There is so much wrong with this basic idea that I don’t even know where to start.

I’m going to start by saying that I like morally grey characters and organizations. I always liked the interpretation that the Federation was a benign empire on the surface with a dark underbelly. I’m not exactly a “Gene’s vision” sort of gal.

That said, writers need to be careful when dealing with torture. (Yes, Fight Club with a prisoner amounts to [torture](https://treaties.un.org/doc/Publication/UNTS/Volume%201465/volume-1465-I-24841-English.pdf) even if that prisoner is Klingon.)  Like rape, or death, it should not be a cheap narrative device. In the real world, torture destroys lives. In fiction, it should be handled with respect. It must derive clearly from the characters and circumstances, and it must have lasting consequences on the characters and story.

Here, we don’t see the character of Captain Alexander that leads to this moment. This story isn’t DS9’s “In the Pale Moonlight,” where we see the stresses on Sisko—a character we’ve followed for years—that lead him to making morally questionable decisions to bring Romulus into the war with the Dominion. Alexander is a very secondary character (given how much screen-time is devoted to Garth).

First, why is she interrogating the Klingon? We’ve been given no indication that she’s a specialist in intelligence gathering or in interview techniques. Is Starfleet Intelligence so incompetent that they need a non-specialist to do their job? Presumably, given this war has lasted a while, they would have interrogators specializing in Klingon culture. No wonder the Federation is losing this war.

Second, what circumstances led her to decide that going against the moral imperative not to hurt a prisoner was a good idea? Again, presumably Starfleet runs itself as a moral organization, leaving the sketchy stuff to Section 31. Presumably, their officers are well instructed in their responsibilities towards prisoners of war. So what changed? We’re not shown because Captain Alexander isn’t our protagonist. She’s just someone who randomly decided to pick a fight with a Klingon—who’s utterly helpless—for the amusement of Garth and the audience.

Moreover, this circumstances of the encounter are contrived. The writers have very carefully set up the “ticking bomb” scenario. Here’s the short version: There’s a nuclear bomb in a major city. You know that bomb is set to go off in X hours, and you need to obtain intel quickly to prevent it. Therefore, torture is moral. It’s the argument _24_ made for however-many-seasons. Essentially the idea is that extreme circumstances call for extreme actions. It’s an interesting thought experiment, but it does have serious flaws that undermine it’s utility.

Here, the writers have carefully set up a scenario in which beating a prisoner seems acceptable. There’s a time crunch; the Federation is losing; they have tech to beat the superweapon, but can’t access it; oh, and the prisoner is from a culture where a beating can be excused as cultural instead of torture. Nice way to try and have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, the writer’s overlooked one critical thing: how does Starfleet know this Klingon has the information they need? The existence of the disk was very secret and presumably highly classified. Why would Kharn give the information to decrypt it to crewmembers?  (NB: I address the disconnect between what this paragraph anticipates and what happens in 2/2.  This was written to be a single post, but got too long.)

In short, my objection to this entire scene is that it’s badly done. If you want to make Starfleet morally grey, go for it. If you want to include a girrrrrl power scene with Captain Alexander beating up a Klingon, go for it. Just write it well.


	17. No Intelligence Here (2/2)

Anyway, the Klingon asks who she wants him to fight and she says her.

> **Erok: (laughs, sneers) I am strong enough for you.**

Yeah, I’m sorry, my innuendo meter is off the charts for this scene, especially given what TNG told us about Klingon romance. I still can’t say it’s intentional, but if it wasn’t then it needs rewriting.

> **Alexander: Then here’s the deal. If I win, you tell me how many D-7s there are.**

Really? That’s what you’re going for?

See, I assumed they were trying to find information, not about the number of D7s, but of the disk. Why? In the scene immediate preceding this one, we get the following exchange.

> **Garth: Yeah, but the data’s encrypted. And I wouldn’t count on getting much out of that Klingon. All he did was grunt at us the whole way back to Earth.**
> 
> **April: You might be surprised. Rashid at Starfleet Intelligence is letting Sonya and Trask have a run at him.**

Not only is it confusing for the audience to have the implication be that they’re trying to get information off the disk, only to have the critical piece of intelligence be the number of D7s in service, it dramatically lowers the stakes. Remember, the D7s don’t appear to be much of a threat, despite what the characters are saying. Furthermore, the drama, such as it is, to this point has revolved around the disk, not the number of D7s.

It’s a clumsy little jog. I’m not sure if it’s because the writers realized Erok wouldn’t know how to decrypt the disk, or if they realized that having the technical readouts on the battlestation would make the boss battle boring, or if the disk wasn’t really important and it was just something to get them through the doldrums of Act Two. Either way, it’s annoying. The script is all strung out.

Also, Erok has been handed the Idiot Ball to keep this plot rolling. There’s nothing to stop him from lying, except I bet the writers are going to make the excuse of “Klingon honor.” Guess he’s a TNG version. With the exception of Chang, they all appear to be TNG versions. That’s probably the only reason the Federation is still in the fight: they’re fighting cartoons.

> **Erok: And if I win?**
> 
> **Alexander: I’ll be dead, the guards’ll charge in here phasers blazing, and you go out in style with a good story to tell your buddies in Sto-Vo-Kor.**

Yeah, that’s great incentive for Erok. You can lose and betray your comrades or you can win and die. It’s a big of braggadocio on Alexander’s part that is no doubt supposed to be so the writers can say, “Look, we include strong female characters!” You can almost hear [Helen Reddy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojtCzCyJakE).  It’s also really stupid.

No intelligent person would take the risk of being killed—combat experienced starship captains don’t grow on trees—and if they did, they wouldn’t risk their life for something so ridiculously trivial. Has Captain Alexander asked herself how they intend to verify the intel if she wins? Or is she going to trust that this is a [Planet of Hats](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PlanetOfHats). That’s not a safe bet considering what we saw in the teaser.

_Meta-Captain Alexander: I’ll have this sorted as soon as I find an ion storm._

Because the writers have a plan (which doesn’t include letting the characters act naturally), Erok accepts.

In the meantime, let’s see what the peanut gallery is doing.

April, Garth, Trask, and Speaking Extra are standing outside of the cell.

> **April sips his drink casually.**

_Meta-Captain April: It’s the only way to survive._

They chit-chat.

> **Trask: Heard about that D-7 you took down. That was nice work, pink skin.**

Because when I admire someone I don't know too well, I address them with [slang](http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Pink_skin).  We'll assume it's used in a complimentary way.

Also, seriously? We just had a whole scene of people praising Garth and now we get this? Do we really need yet another scene with Garth being praised?

I think now is the time to mention that the character of Garth was originally going to be played by one of the writers, Alec Peters. He played Garth in [_Prelude_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W1_8IV8uhA)  and [anticipated reprising](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-october-20th-2015/) the [role](http://www.axanarproductions.com/captains-log-august-15th-2015/) until the [lawsuit](http://www.axanarproductions.com/casting-axanar/).  One of the reasons he gives, besides not being a professional and being too old for the role, is that “this is not a vanity project.  A hallmark of fan films is the creator making himself the central character, whether that is Kirk or Pike or whomever. While that is fine for your average fan film, we are shooting a bit higher.” (Source: Last link in the previous sentence.)

And yet, at the time this script was written and “locked”—locked to the point that Alec Peters was highlighting it to memorize lines—he was playing Garth.  (See previous paragraph for sources.) The writer wrote this character, wrote these scenes (or agreed with his writing partner’s work on them), while imagining himself in this role.

All these utterly useless scenes—they further neither story nor character—of Garth being praised.

When a writer writes, she reveals something about herself to the world. The experienced writer reveals only what she wants the world to see. The inexperienced writer reveals things she might prefer to keep hidden. This is why one should tone down one’s Mary Sues. One may not want the whole world to see one’s wish fulfillment character as that can lead to the world inferring what one wants more than anything else.

(I’ll give this to Alec Peters—he had the courage to put himself out there with this work. That’s something. Whatever you think of him or this script, it takes courage to put your work out there, perhaps more courage for a novice than a pro. Even though he didn’t release the script, I think it’s safe to assume we would have seen this on screen had more things gone right than wrong. So, I’ll give equal credit for it.)

Bad booze or good, the alcohol must be getting to Garth because he politely thanks Trask for the compliment.

> **Trask: Ramirex told me about Axanar. I’d like to officially volunteer the Kumari and my squadron.**

Because in Starfleet, you can pick what battles you want to fight. No wonder the Federation is losing this war.

(This is supposed to be one of those stirring scenes where someone volunteers for a dangerous mission out of nobility. Without the necessary setup, however, such as knowing and identifying with the characters involved, it just doesn’t work. Compare to _Glory_. This just comes off as more “Garth’s so awesome I have to attach myself to his coattails.)

> **Garth: (looks pleased) You were at the top of my list.**

Well, he got over his concern about being responsible for a fleet in a hurry.

Meanwhile, Alexander and Erok fight. It’s described as a “quick-cut sequence like the [pre-title fight from ‘Casino Royale.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNvzNWuzI9Y)’”  Not particularly evocative, but at least it’s specific.

Back in the cheap seats, Trask asks if _Enterprise_ will be joining them. According to April, it’s not happening as the _Enterprise_ is still in pieces. He says it with more tech, but that’s the gist of it.

_Meta-Captain April: Never show ‘em your hand. Not even your allies._

Back in the cell, Alexander is winning.

> **INT. STARFLEET INTELLIGENCE – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CELL**
> 
> **The door finally OPENS and we see the Klingon fall to the floor inside. Alexander EXITS, stepping over him, her shirt torn. She wipes a bit of blood from her lip with her sleeve.**

That may be the most clear, specific description I’ve encountered. And it’s of the [Action Girl](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ActionGirl) with a torn shirt. Yay?

According to Alexander, the Klingon said twelve D7s are under construction. Garth is dismayed and asks if it’s true.

> **Intelligence Officer: (checks a tablet) His bio-readings suggest that he is. But the best lies are usually wrapped in a bit of truth.**

Oh, nice to see you do something instead of stand there while someone else does your job. Tell me how any of this information is useful? He may be telling the truth, but he may not be. Genius.

> **April: Let’s break this down. We know the Klingons have thee shipyards building the D-7 – Qo’noS, Ty’Gokor, and P’Rang.**
> 
> **Trask: Our latest intel says nine D-7s are still in space dock. And one’s been destroyed, thanks to Kel.**

So what was the point of that fight again?

> **April: So that leaves two. (pats Garth’s back) See? We got something useful out of your Klingon after all.**

Unless, of course, the Klingon gave you a lowball number. After all, Officer Useless did say that it could go either way. In a better story, maybe.

> **Alexander grabs Garth’s drink and downs it in one gulp.**

Because she is just that tough. She’s not a character; she’s a caricature.  Feminism!

> **Alexander: I want in on Axanar, Fleet Captain, sir.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander_ : _He’ll never know you were mocking him._

Garth magnanimously allows her to join and she leaves, leaving the others “standing there looking amused.”

Of course they were. That’s the default reaction in this story. Anything else might be exciting or challenging.


	18. Kings and Pawns

“In life, we are kings or pawns,” Napoleon said in the most memorable line of 2002’s _Count of Monte Cristo_ , based on the book by Alexandre Dumas. It’s very much a theme of the film—that one is either the manipulator or the manipulated—and the chess motif carries through the story.

The motif is present in _Axanar_ as well,[ as previously mentioned](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/03/a-quiet-moment-with-kharn/), although used less adeptly.  Really, chess pops up randomly with no connection to any deeper themes. It’s clear that the writers wanted a similar arrangement to _Monte Cristo_ , where characters are maneuvering and counter-maneuvering throughout the story until it reaches a climactic confrontation, and the constant presence of chess is a visual/dialogue reinforcement of this theme. Unfortunately, they forgot the maneuvering and counter-maneuvering, leaving the chess set adrift.

There are kings and pawns in this script, however, just not how the writers intended. Garth and Kharn are not the kings, the writers are. Every character in this script is their puppet. It’s one of the strongest reasons for the flat, drama-less scenes. If the characters were allowed to react like people then the scenes would really take on life. The downside is that if the characters were allowed to react like people, the script might go in a direction the writers did not intend.

After the interrogation, the script has a couple of short scenes of the pawns being moved around the board.

Kharn’s D6 is still docked at the station in orbit around Qo’nos. Aboard her, Chang is in Kharn’s quarters.

> **[He] studies the chess set in frustration.**

SYMBOLISM!

K’Orax enters. She (currently in the form of a man) reports that they have completed repairs and that Kharn is transferring his flag to a D7 for the upcoming engagement. Chang is to meet Kharn on the planet.

> **Chang: Very well. I will beam down to the surface. See to the transfer, Lieutenant. Do not disappoint me.**

Do you think Chang adds those dramatic statements of doom to every simple command?

“Remember to bring in the mail and feed Fluffy twice a day. Do not disappoint me.”

“Take the laundry to the dry cleaners. Do not disappoint me.”

It’s supposed to sound intimidating, but it’s overdone. Chang was always one to chew the scenery a bit, but he’s going to go through that D6 set like a family beavers through a forest. Unless, of course, the goal of this line is to show Chang’s increasing instability. If so then that’s the only character arc I’ve seen so far, so carry on.

K’Orax salutes in reply and Chang throws her a pawn before leaving.

SYMBOLISM!

It’s also the exact same thing as happened earlier, except the scene contains no other parallels that would make a visual comparison make sense. Again, this can be done well.—see _Monte Cristo_ , where a chess piece is thrown back and forth throughout the film—but it has to grow out of the characters and story organically instead of being pasted on to make the story appear “deep.”

Alone in Kharn’s quarters, K’Orax uses a computer terminal to contact an Orion named Grunto. He must’ve wandered off the set of the latest Star Wars film.

There’s a little banter and K’Orax sends him a file to be passed to a mysterious “usual recipient.” She says, “If you betray me, Grunto, your death will be slow and painful.” It’s supposed to be a funny line, but it’s just painful.

K’Orax then puts the pawn in her pocket and leaves (because the writers never learned how to end a scene as early as possible.)

Also, SYMBOLISM!

Since the Klingon ship is docked at a station around Qo’nos, the next scene must inevitably show the _Ares_ docked at a space station around Earth. We’ve been alternating this whole script, why stop now?

Thankfully, we don’t go to Garth’s quarters. Instead, we return to the turbolift. Economical!

> **LIEUTENANT WALKER is writing in an old fashioned notebook, with paper and pen, as the door OPENS. Garth ENTERS.**

Because we really need to be introduced to yet another interchangeable lieutenant. I appreciate the impulse to give the ship some size, but all of these characters look the same. They’d be better off going with one of the characters we’d met before, like one of the redshirts from the planet.

> **Garth: Deck Three. (looks at Walker) Hand writing? You don’t see a lot of that anymore.**
> 
> **Walker: (doesn’t look up)**

Stop right there. Your CO walks into the turbolift and addresses you, and you don’t even look up from what you’re doing? That is phenomenally rude. That the writers think this is appropriate behavior for a member of a hierarchical organization is astounding. This doesn’t show the _Ares_ as a ship with a relaxed atmosphere; it shows the _Ares_ as a ship without discipline. Ships without discipline don’t fare well.

> **Walker: (doesn’t look up) It’s a war journal. I figure someone needs to tell the story of the average Starfleet officer.**

Oh, Walker is so dead. He might as well just show the captain a picture of the girlfriend back home and tell him that he’s a day from retirement while putting on a red shirt. Dead. Dead. Dead.

> **Garth: Are you saying you’re only average, Lieutenant?**

Yes, I think he is.

> **Walker finally looks up and is shocked to see his captain.**

Because he didn’t know what his captain’s voice sounded like? Who did he think he had been talking to?

Walker gets a little flustered—as he should be—which gives Garth a chance to show his paternal side by calling Walker “son” and asking if he plans to publish. Dead. Dead. Dead. So dead.

Walker says he’d like to publish if Starfleet approves so that people could learn about the daily lives of a non-hero character. It’s kind of sweet. I’m not sure it’s as powerful as is could be, but regardless of who the story is for, the core message remains the same: remember me.

Dude’s gonna die.

They’re interrupted by a call for Garth, who has to go to Transporter Room Three. On his way out, Garth has parting words for Walker.

> **Garth: (to Walker) Maybe you’ll let me read it sometime, Lieutenant.**

Since it’s written by the authors for a puppet character instead of by a true character, I can already tell you what it says.

Monday: I can’t believe I was assigned to _Ares_ with Captain Garth! I’m the luckiest lieutenant in the fleet!

Tuesday: Today Captain Garth addressed the crew on the intercom. He said we were the best crew in the fleet. Best Day Ever!

Wednesday: Today Captain Garth took us into a fight with a D7. We flew into a gas giant and the ship was shaking and I was really scared, but I knew Captain Garth would save us!

Thursday: Captain Garth got us some parts we wanted so now _Ares_ is even better than that new Constitution class everyone is talking about. I’m so glad I get to serve here.

Friday: OMG!!!! Captain Garth talked to me today and called me “son.” He’s, like, so much more awesome than I ever could’ve imagined. His command presence is incredible. When he walks into a room, you just know it’s him and instantly stop what you're doing to acknowledge his presence. And he’s so kind and funny. I can’t wait to fight the Klingons with him.

> **Walker: Y-yes, sir! That would be great! Thank you, sir!**

Poor Walker doesn’t know the difference between a polite offer and a sincere one. Bless his little heart.

I really feel for this character. He has potential but the writers will never give him a chance at life. His entire purpose in this script is to give Garth someone to mourn over when he dies.

Garth leaves the turbolift, but the camera stays with Walker.

> **The doors CLOSE again and Walker lets out an amazed sigh. When he returns to his notebook, he’s smiling.**

I totally nailed Friday’s entry. Also, this scene gives us yet another of hero worship towards Garth. It’s not as blatant as some of the previous scenes, particularly since it has a second job, but it’s still there. I’m thinking it’s impossible for the writers to write a scene where Garth is just a part of it instead of being showed with adulation and hero worship.

In the transporter room, Garth meets up with Soval. Soval has retired as ambassador and intends to keep supporting the Federation by playing Vulcan politics, which sounds like the most boring _House of Cards_ ever. More logic, less murder.

Soval passes off a data disk with the information to decrypt the disk with the D7 information, which K’Orax sent him. That was easy. A better movie would have made getting this information more central to the story, given how much effort was put into the planet scene. These writers like things simple for the heroes and boring for the audience, however. At least they did tie up that loose end. That’s something.

Soval leaves and Garth gives the disk to Tanaka, ordering him and Leonov to find a weakness in the D7.

> **Leonov (confident): Ships are like dilithium, Captain. Every crystal has its flaw.**

If Starfleet doesn’t work out for him, he can always get a job writing fortunes for fortune cookies.

> **They all EXIT.**

Stoooooooop! It’s OK to end on a person saying something and not dictate the exit. We’ll assume they exited if they are in one location during Scene 1 and another during Scene 2. This isn’t a stage play. Amateurs.

Garth enters the bridge. The script spells this out because it would save too much time to have Garth already on the bridge. He asks if the new systems that make _Ares_ teh bestest ever are ready yet, and interchangeable officer #200 (Hyree) says they are. Garth orders them to “clear all moorings and takes (sic) us out.” Destination: Axanar. Warp Seven.

> **Garth: (somberly, to himself): Let’s go to war.**

Garth is Deep™ and Dramatic™ and this is a Deep™ and Dramatic™ war movie instead of a fantasy that may as well have come out of a grade school child’s notebook. Also, Garth’s already involved in a war. It’s not like war was just declared; he’s been fighting. Not only is this line shallow, it’s nonsensical given the context.

Seriously, though, that’s the entirety of the scene. Compare it to any other similar scene from TreK, such as _Star Trek the Motion Picture_ or _Wrath of Khan_ , and you’ll see how flat it is compared to those. Those scenes were important for story reasons, not just there for exposition. Indeed, when you look at them one after another, the thematic importance of each scene, and the variations between them, is striking. (And if you want a discussion of all the leaving spacedock scenes, go look at this post on [Dejareviwer](https://dejareviewer.com/2016/11/29/the-leaving-spacedock-scene-is-a-microcosm-of-most-star-trek-films/). I was looking to see if shots from _TMP_ were reused in _WoK_ and it was a top hit on Google. It’s always nice to know I’m not just seeing things.)

The [_TMP_ scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p1hxvPOIhE) is a straight departure scene.  The characters are merely going through a departure checklist intercut with the ship coming to life. However, it’s context gives it significantly deeper meaning. This was Trek’s return to pop culture after a long absence. The revival of _Enterprise_ in this scene after the spacedock lights go dark is supposed to be a moment of joy for every Trekkie watching, and Kirk’s line, “Take us out,” promises new adventures with familiar faces. The pacing of the scene is brilliant to create suspense so that the _Enterprise’s_ jump to impulse represents a point of catharsis. _TMP_ might not be my favorite Trek, but this scene never fails to put a smile on my face.

The [_Wrath of Khan_ scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKogc14hHtQ) shows Saavik’s first time taking _Enterprise_ out of spacedock, representing the transition of the old crew to the new and touching on the theme of aging and space exploration being for the young.  (I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the scene the writers were thinking of when they wrote _Axanar_. The turbolift scene could very well be the equivalent of Kirk with Preston.) McCoy’s comment to Kirk draws further attention with Kirk’s discomfort with the new situation. Intellectually he might be moving on, but his heart is still in the center seat.

So if we’re going to have a fan film that follows the Trek tradition of leaving spacedock, the scene needs to carry the themes of the film. Those themes aren’t present in the departure scene of _Axanar_. I suspect they aren’t present because the writers don’t know what the themes are. Oh, they want this to be a serious war movie, but like Garth’s line above they can only try to paste it in. They can’t build scenes, or a story, around it.

And _Ares_ departs Starbase One and jumps to warp.

 


	19. Battle Plans

The plot finally, _finally_ , meanders its way to Axanar. In the tradition of this script, there is no super explaining that’s where we are. We’ll give the script (and the audience) some credit here, though, because there’s a fleet of “nearly a hundred starships.” That seems like a sizable fleet of starships for the Starfleet of this era. I thought there were fewer. What do I know, though? I not exactly the type of fan to remember every trivial detail.

> **INT. ARES – CIC (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **Garth and Tanaka are standing around the center table with FIVE OTHER CAPTAINS, including Travis, Alexander, Trask, ROBAU, and NAARV (a Tellarite). They’re studying a BATTLE PLAN on the display, pointing to various details.**

I’m half-surprised that the script didn’t just say “it looks like the [CIC from Battlestar Galactica](http://www.battlestargalacticamuseum.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/52b106077c91e.jpg), but more Star Trekky,” just to save time.

I love the “pointing to various details” part. It’s so non-specific. You know what happens when you’re non-specific in your descriptions, right? Readers draw on [other media](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YQR36fQ_Xc) to fill in the gaps.  You know you saw that coming.

Even here, we can’t escape the Sue’s death grip on the characters.

> **Robau: Well done, Kel. It’s a bold plan. Kharn will be in a tough spot, even if he is expecting a trap.**

The Star Trek internet badass praises Garth. Therefore, Garth is the most awesome captain of all time.

The captains discuss possibilities. Will Kharn attack from two directions? Where will they be coming from? How evenly matched are their forces?

This is every pre-battle scene ever and it’s dry as dust and as boring as the cliché I just used. It tries to raise the tension when Naarv says “those two D-7s have a sharp bite. Our margin for error will be whisker thin,” but it just doesn’t work. A scene like this draws its tension from what comes before it and what we anticipate it will lead to. If the characters are interchangeable Starfleet captains and no real stakes have been set in previous scenes, we just won’t feel it. You have to lay a good foundation if you want the climax to work. The foundation here was hasty and poorly done. The results show.

> **To the surprise of all, Captain Arev ENTERS the CIC.**

Except it doesn’t surprise the audience. In many ways, the arrival of the Vulcan ships should be like the arrival of the cavalry. The audience should feel that the situation has turned in our heroes’ favor. Here it’s just meh.  
Stories play with people’s emotions. If you don’t do that, good luck getting them to care.

> **Arev: Captain Garth, Ambassador Soval sends his regards. He suggested it might prove useful for my squadron to patrol near Axanar at this time.**

Yes, because a retired ambassador has the authority to order Vulcan ships around. That makes sense.

> **Travis: And how does the Vulcan High Command feel about that?**
> 
> **Arev: The High Command has ordered Vulcan ships to remain deep within Federation space. I believe Axanar meets that criteria.**

Yes, because the Vulcan High Command would leave a linguistic loophole for their commanders to fly right through. That makes sense.

This is just a tired old trope in Trek. It works when it’s Vulcan vs. Human, but not so much when it’s Vulcan vs. Vulcan.

> **Garth: (smiles) So it does. Thank you, Captain.**

Based on how much smiling Garth does in the script, I’m going to have to say that he only has one facial expression.

> **Alexander: (whispers to Travis) A Vulcan’s gonna do what a Vulcan’s gonna do.**
> 
> **The Captains laugh. Arev raises an eyebrow.**

Because when you’re getting ready for a massive battle during which many people will die—possibly including you—you make Vulcan jokes. That makes sense. (Yes, humor happens in high pressure situations. I’m just not sure it would look like this. Alexander strikes me more as a college student here than a captain.)

Now that the basic tactics have been glossed over—the writers skipped the details of Garth’s plan, which is actually a smart move. If you aren’t a genius at warfare, don’t try to show your character as one. He won’t be—they move on to discussing the D7.

> **Tanaka punches up the D-7 schematics on the wall VIEWSCREEN. There are gasps from the group.**

I’m sure the writers wanted to highlight either how dangerous the D7 is or how amazing it is that Starfleet got the plan, but I just can’t get over a bunch of experienced captains gasping like teenagers. It’s lazy description at it’s finest. God forbid you take time to characterize your characters through their reactions. I guess the writers wanted to move on to the exciting stuff: the tech.

> **Robau: Where on Earth did you get this information?**
> 
> **Garth: It wasn’t on Earth and it wasn’t easy. Let’s make it count.**

Either Garth is trying to be funny and failing, or he’s being really rude to a fellow captain. I can’t quite decide.

I’d love to do more than this quick summary, but there just isn’t anything here to discuss. There’s nothing compelling, no character or theme. It’s the most boring work meeting you’ve ever attended with sci-fi tech thrown in for good measure. Rick Berman Trek at it’s worst.

Seriously, it must be read to be believed.

> **Tanaka: The Klingons have designed three layers of protection into the D-7’s shield emitters – one for solid matter, like torpedoes and micrometeorites, one for high-energy E-M weapons, like phasers, and one for low energy E-M. The low E-M emitters have a specific phase and resonance frequency. If we can isolate it, we can break through, hack their controls, and lower their shields remotely.**

Thank you, Harry Kim. Also, bless its little heart, this film wants to be _Wrath of Khan_ so badly it hurts. You just feel the longing, like those people on American Idol who want to be superstars, but can’t sing a note.

> **Trask: The old Romulan trick?**

Because if it had been invented by Kirk and Spock to beat Khan, the writers couldn’t crib it for their work. Coming up with creative ways to win battles is _hard,_ y’all. It’s much easier to borrow and hope nobody cares.

I’m not entirely sure you can say you’re respecting original Trek characters when your story undermines their accomplishments.

> **Tanaka: Exactly. But finding the right frequency means rotating the modulation on our pulse phasers to see how their shields react.**

Thank you, Data.

You know, George Lucas may not have been able to write dialogue, but he knew how to write a [battle plan scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOgtj00Rp8s).  His brilliance was in the lack of technical sophistication. Each word had a real meaning:

“The battle station is heavily shielded and carries a firepower greater than half the star fleet. It’s defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault. A small, one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defense.”

Three sentences and you’ve got an overview of the obstacle, the weakness, and the plan. It’s beautiful in it’s efficiency, and it allows the scene more time for character moments, such as the following line when a pilot asks, “Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub fighters going to be against that,” which allows the plans to be described in more detail. Even in those detailed descriptions, there is very little technobabble. Furthermore, this scene is effective in how it encapsulates the problem of the movie and one of the movie’s themes: an empire of massive power and endless identical stormtroopers facing off against a tiny rebellion of individuals and faith.

If there’s one thing I hope the scene comparisons demonstrate, it’s that scenes in great movies reflect the greater film.

Anyway, solving the tech problem is up to Sonya and Arev.

> **Arev: And when we find the correct frequency?**

Keep it to yourself. No one cares.

> **Garth: Transmit it to the fleet.**

If you make your leader look like he’s in charge by making one of the presumably intelligent people he leads look dumb, you’re leader does not look like he’s in charge.

> **Have your Transporter Chiefs standing by. (beat, to all) Remember, we need to be flexible, we need to think on our feet…and we need to work together.**

Stirring. Truly. Churchill could not have said it better.

> **We pan over the Captains’ faces as they exchange nods of agreement, confident in Garth and proud to serve together.**

Save it for the novel. There is no way to act “confident in Garth and proud to serve together.” It’s not happening. The only reason to include it in the script is because no one has praised Garth in two-and-a-half pages and the writers are worried we’ll forget he’s awesome.

You know, I’ve worked in a lot of different jobs thanks to the damned recession. I’ve had a lot of different managers. One thing I’ve learned is that more a person talks about what a good leader s/he is, the less likely it is to be true. It’s like they feel inadequate due to their inability to demonstrate good leadership, so they try to compensate by bragging. Their employees see right though it.

Every time the script tells us people think Garth is awesome, but shows us nothing to support it, it undermines the audience’s faith in the character and the writers. Just like with those managers.

> **Travis: Together…winner takes all.**
> 
> **Garth: Winner takes all. One way or another, this war ends at Axanar.**

The drama is somewhat undercut of my mental image of the captains all putting their hands together and chanting, “One, two, three, goooooo, Starfleet!”   I can’t help it. This reads like a high school football coach’s half-hearted pre-game speech.

Give me [Jack Aubrey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mq1YthGFjRI) any day. I don’t think I need to break that one down. The character does it for me.


	20. Now For the Klingon View

We’re sixty-seven pages through the script, why mix it up now?

> **DARKNESS**
> 
> **FIRE appears again in SLOW MOTION. Once more, we hear distant SCREAMS, SIRENS, EXPLOSIONS. The fire grows and now we see it enveloping the blade of a KNIFE.**

That’s what you get when you keep a block of firewood on the bridge just for knife stabbing.

Yup, Kharn’s had another vision. I think it means he’s worried about fire safety aboard his ship.

> **We see that he’s standing before a GRAND WINDOW overlooking the MOUNTAINS. Chang ENTERS and hands Kharn a tablet.**

Ozarks? Sierra Nevadas? Himalayas? Andes?

Alas, we’ll never know. Chang is there to deliver a message and we quickly jump to the Klingon War Room. It would have been more economical, and also more interesting, if Kharn had his vision while in the Klingon meeting, but I appreciated the break from the endless paralleling, as short as it was.

> **INT. KLINGON WAR ROOM (QO’NOS) – A SHORT TIME LATER**
> 
> **The Klingon Generals are standing around the map table discussing their battle plans. Kharn and Chang ENTER.**

The writers might as well copy/paste to save time.

> **Kharn: Our spies have confirmed it. Starfleet is building its new Constitution class starships here…at Axanar. (points) That is where we will strike.**

Pointing with purpose. I like it!

Once they destroy the Connie’s, which are the only ships capable of challenging the D7, they’ll attack Earth.

> **Mor’o (O.S.): It is an honorable plan, Kharn.**

Well, it’s a plan. I suspect it’s only an “honorable plan” because it was developed by a Klingon. Trek philosophy question: if a Klingon doesn’t mention honor, is he a Klingon? I fear most fan films would answer “no.”

All of the Klingons bow to Mor’o because he’s a “thought admiral,” which I guess is a big deal. I’ll roll with it.

> **Chang (disrespectfully): The last thought Admiral.**

I never would’ve guessed Chang was being disrespectful without the adverb. It’s not in his character at all.

I really don’t like how an interesting character was turned into such a moustache-twirler. He’s boring now. It’s certainly not a Chang that I could believe turned into the man we see in _Undiscovered Country._

> **With a deft and nearly effortless move, Mor’o KNOCKS CHANG OFF HIS FEET with his cane. The Generals LAUGH.**

We’re now taking elements from a _wuxia_ film created by a Westerner with no appreciation of the genre? That’s the first thing I think of when I see this sort of thing. It’s painfully cliché, like far too many elements before it.

> **Mor’o: Only by learning from the past, can we hope to win the future, Commander. Do not be so quick to cast aside proven experience.**

Ooh, a venerable martial artist who speaks in proverbs and tired old sayings. How original.

Kharn welcomes Mor’o, obliquely chastises Chang, and dismisses his generals. Mor’o tells Kharn he has done well and asks if it’s time to “strike the Humans.”

> **Kharn: It has. I have seen to it.**

That sounds interesting. Too bad this isn’t Kharn’s film. Then maybe we would have seen it too.

Kharn orders Chang to “open a channel to the fleet” so he can give us a stirring speech. Look, if you want to parallel Kharn and Garth, mix it up a little. Maybe write two stirring speeches that compliment each other and cut between them. Just give me something new. This see the scene from one side and then see the same scene with slight variations from the other side got old quite some time ago.

Anyway, Kharn is a slightly more interesting motivational speaker than Garth. I’m sure the contrast is meant to show Garth as a humble, get ‘er done sort of commander and Kharn as one that is grandiose and needs to be taken down a peg. Instead it comes off like Kharn actually cares about what’s going on. It’s not the most original speech, but it’s got more color to it than anything we’ve seen yet.

> **Kharn: Brothers and sisters…long have we watched the scourge of Humanity spreading through space, daring to encroach upon our birthright. At last, the time has come to wipe them from the galaxy. (beat) Take your battle stations! WE STORM THE GATES!**

This speech was actually recorded for one of the [_Axanar_ teaser trailers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np_PVbW6y64), so you can listen to it.

That’s not how I would’ve directed that vocal performance, but it would have been a fun little piece of scenery chewing for Hatch had it been filmed, may he have fair winds and following seas.

Act Three, yes, they’re still labeled, ends with a shot of a hundred ships of the Klingon fleet.

I’m sure I’m supposed to be excited, but this script is exhausting. And not in a good way.

Act Three thoughts: What can I say about Act Three? Most of it is entirely unnecessary. These scenes read like they’re there to inflate the page count with more praise of Garth. We have the constant cycle of Federation view—Klingon view—Federation view—Klingon view that makes it really tedious and monotonous. The structure is lost in an endless cycle.

Of characterization, there’s still no sign. There’s no arc. There’s no one to root for. Right now, I’m rooting for the damn Doomsday Machine. Just get there and kill everyone, little buddy.

Act Four is the battle. Thirty pages. God help me.


	21. Sound and Fury: Part One

Three times. That’s how many times I’ve deleted and rewritten this post. Despite this being the climactic part of the film, it lacks substance. There’s just not much to say. It’s busy but as with so much of this script, it’s sound and fury. In other words, I may be summarizing whole pages instead of short exchanges.

Act Four opens with _Ares_ , _Ajax_ , _T’Val_ , _Kumari_ , _Gral_ , and fifty-nine other ships lurking behind Axanar in “three squadron groups.” Although here it’s just direction for Tobias, scripts should aim for compelling description. Writers also need to be aware that non-significant vessels will have the same problem as named, non-significant characters: they all run together. Outside of _Ajax_ and _Ares_ , the viewers have no idea who the ships are so _T’Val, Kumari,_ and _Gral_ may as well be part of the fifty-nine ships included to make the battle look impressive and blow up dramatically.

It’s concerning.

It’s concerning because it suggests that the writers are about to take this story into an epic battle sequence with no real understanding of what makes those sequences epic in film. Here’s a hint: It’s not about the number of ships or the maneuvers—all of that is background; it’s about the relationships between the people. I’m not a combat veteran, and I never served in the military, but I’ve heard it said that you don’t fight for a country, you fight for the person next to you. I suspect it’s true. It’s certainly true in fiction, which depends on our interest in characters and their relationships to generate tension.

Garth is back in his quarters looking at a tactical display of what we just saw. It has labels so we know which of the interchangeable squadrons we’re watching. If anyone cares, it’s the 1st Squadron, 2nd Squadron, and a Vulcan squadron.

Garth sits at his desk. Thinking about it, he’s a stunningly passive character for being the protagonist. He’s passive in the story sense: he doesn’t make choices that drive the story. He just reacts to what happens around him. He’s also very passive in the physical sense. He looks at his environment instead of interacting with it, and when he does interact it’s purposeless.

Tanka enters and asks Garth if he’s sure the Klingons are coming; it’s been seventeen hours with no sign of them. Of course, Garth is sure. Starfleet gave the Klingons false intelligence to draw them to Axanar and “Kharn can’t afford not to bite.”

He probably could. One of the problems with writing your story so that the Bag Guy has the Good Guys backs against the wall is that it puts the Bad Guy in the position of controlling when and where they meet. I suppose one could argue that Kharn thinks he’s in a worse position than he is as a result of that false intelligence, but with so little of the story focused on Kharn we have no real reason to believe it other than we’re told that the Klingons must attack Axanar. Again, the characters are acting more like puppets than people.

The opening question was more cover for Tanka; he’s really concerned about Corax. Indeed, he shows more concern for her than Garth.

> **Garth: I’ve known her a long time.**

It can’t be much longer than a decade or he knew her as a young teen, assuming her species develops at roughly the same rate as ours. The alternative is that she’s not a particularly bright or driven officer and just can’t make it past lieutenant. It could go either way with this script. The writers really should’ve made her a higher rank.

> **She’s uniquely capable.**

I’m sure shapeshifting is a useful ability if the ship blows up.

> **It’s the Klingons who should be worried.**

This little bit of bravado could signal an interesting internal conflict if Garth were concerned about Corax and trying not to show it. There’s precious little here that could show such internal conflict, however, and I fear it was designed to be played straight like the other scenes. I won’t hammer on it too much because a strong actor could really assist the writers through delivery.

Tanka asks if Garth is still going over the battle plan. He is.

> **Garth: I’m concerned about Sam and Rick. I’ve laid them both way out on the line on this one.**

The audience would love to be concerned about Sam and Rick as well, but we don’t know them. We don’t know what their relationship with Garth is.

That’s the problem with this scene: it lacks the foundation that can give it meaning as it is, and it lacks the depth that could give it meaning with a weaker foundation. It’s a sketch of a scene. As a sketch, it doesn’t develop the relationships between the characters that would allow us to care about their upcoming struggle.

As a sketch, it’s quickly interrupted by a red alert and call to battle stations.

Garth was right, of course: the Klingons are coming. There are “eight-one ships incoming at high warp,” “bearing two-five-four relative.” Thrilling.

> **Tanaka: (pleased, at his station): There’s your three Battle Wings.**

I’m pretty damn sure that “pleased” would not be my reaction at this point in time. It’s one of those things that’s cool in a writer’s head, but makes no sense on the page. It doesn’t work if you’re aiming for realism.

Everyone in the fleet is ready to fight, as is _Ares_.

> **Garth: Good work, everyone. Here we go. (beat, to himself) You’re up, Sam.**

I hope he’s not planning to call the whole battle. That would kill what little tension there might be.

In fiction, there are two ways to structure battles. The first is to show or explain how the battle is supposed to go. The joy for the audience is to then see how everything goes wrong, and how the heroes fix it. The second is to keep the battle plans very vague so the audience can enjoy seeing it unfold alongside the heroes. It looks like _Axanar_ is aiming for the latter.

> **Garth glances at the LARGE TACTICAL DISPLAY on the right side of the Bridge. It shows Ares and its ships behind Axanar, and the approaching Klingons. IN between, on the other side of Axanar, we see ICONS representing HERCULES and 4 th SQUADRON.**

Here’s another reason why successful war films focus on characters over tactics: it’s really hard to follow the tactics in a narrative film. If you’re watching a documentary and a narrator is walking you through the battle with little graphics, that’s fine. The form just doesn’t carry over well to narrative. The constant jumping back and forth between graphic overview and personal drama would kill the tension of the latter and render the former too confusing to be useful. If tactics are important in narrative film, use the first structure: lay it out beforehand and let it go wrong. (That’s how _Star Wars_ did it.)

From the tactical display, we jump to the _Hercules_ in space with twenty-three starships (4th Squadron) and three space docks with half-built Connies.

Jump to the _Hercules_ bridge, where Travis is in command. If you don’t remember him, that’s OK. We met him briefly back on page seven and again on sixty-four. He’s really only here to make the battle look big. There’s a LIEUTENANT JACKSON as Communications Officer. His name hardly matters. We’ve never met him before and he only has one line: “Aye, sir.”

> **Travis: All right, people. We’re all that stands between the Klingons and those space docks. (beat) Mister Jackson, relay to Squadron: Defensive pattern Delta. Let’s make them think we’re surprised.**

I don’t know about y’all, but the think I love best about Trek battles are the randomly shouted maneuvers that mean exactly nothing to me.

> **On Travis’ TACTICAL DISPLAY we see the KLINGONS closing in.**

Please tell me this isn’t going to continue for the next thirty pages. I don’t think I can handle the bouncing from tactical display, to space SFX shot, to bridge shot for thirty whole pages. The only way it could be more excruciating is if the scenes on the Klingon ships paralleled the scenes on the Federation ships.

The display gives way to a space shot of the approaching Klingon fleet. There are eighty-one of them—I’m not sure why the precise number is so important. It’s not like anyone in the audience will be counting. Two D-7s are with them. I guess Erok couldn’t get rid of the Idiot Ball before he lost to Captain Alexander. How much cooler would it have been if there had been an extra couple of D7s that the Federation hadn’t anticipated? That would immediately raise the stakes and the tension.

Next we go to the bridge of Kharn’s D7.

> **Kharn’s in his chair, gripping his blade, which is stuck in its pedestal beside him**

It’s nice to know that the Klingons had their priorities straight when Kharn transferred from one ship to another. God forbid they leave the block o’ firewood behind. Seriously. Does that thing have a purpose other than to stab a knife into?

This is one of the reasons writers need to use common sense instead of fixating on what they think looks cool. A wood pedestal with no real function makes no sense on the bridge of a warship. It takes up space; it impedes movement; and it can turn into shrapnel/splinters if the bridge is shot. You don’t want a bridge cluttered with useless objects.

Which means half of the crew would have to go as well, I suppose.

Kharn asks for a report and Chang tells him there’s a Federation squadron in orbit, so they don’t know about Garth lurking behind the planet. You’d think they’d be smarter than that, but then Garth would have to be smarter, which would be substantially harder to write. Chang thinks the Federation ships have been caught off guard because they appear disorganized, but Kharn isn’t so sure. He orders his ships to fire torpedoes.

At least we don’t get a tactical display showing torpedoes being fired. Instead, we cut to the chase and see it in space SFX. Good job, writers.

Back aboard the D7, Kharn orders a Klingon maneuvers. You know it’s Klingon because instead of being named after the Greek alphabet, it’s named the “Bat’leth formation.” I may tease, but I like it better than “pattern mu,” or whatever. It’s descriptive. If you know what a bat’leth is, you have a general idea of what the ships are doing.

And if you don’t, you’ll get to see it in the next shot.

> **EXT. SPACE – THE KLINGON FLEET (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **DROPS OUT OF WARP and forms THREE BATTLE WINGS in a crescent shape. Two of them CHARGE FORWARD towards the Axanar.**

That’s nice work right there. I would’ve liked to see it on screen. Hopefully, the SFX (at least) has already been done and shows up in the revised _Axanar_. All they need is someone describing the Klingons using the “Bat’leth formation” as an intro, and they’re good to go.


	22. Sound and Fury: Part Two

Aboard _Hercules_ , a Lieutenant Gates announces the incoming torpedoes. Travis orders that the counter measures be handled by a computer.

> **EXT. SPACE – 4 th SQUADRON (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **launches INTERCEPTORS. Most of the incoming torpedoes are DESTROYED. A DOZEN get through and lock onto the starships, which MANEUVER and drop COUNTERMEASURES. The torpedoes score a few HITS, then the starships regroup.**

I know the writers mean for all of this to be thrilling and epic, but it’s just dull. It’s so dull.

Back aboard the _Hercules_ , we learn that eight ships were hit with minor damage and that two Battle Wings are closing.

> **Travis: Kharn’s crafty, I’ll give him that.**

Firing a ton of torpedoes at warp is crafty? We’re really lowing the bar here. Anyway, Travis orders his squadron to fire on the Klingons when they’re in range. He needs to make it sound a military-y, though, so he tells them, “Weapons free.” Travis must’ve joined Starfleet after a career with the [Colonial Fleet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlestar_Galactica_\(2004_TV_series).

Yes, it’s actually a part of the [modern brevity code](http://www.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/a404426.pdf), but it’s decidedly strange to hear in a Star Trek battle scene. When you combine it with things like the Jovian scene and the tactics on display, I’d hazard a guess that _Battlestar Galactica_ was influential on the writers. Whether conscious or subconscious, I can’t really say.

And that’s cool! Fan fiction has a long tradition of drawing on elements from other fandoms. The most extreme are fandom crossovers, but it’s certainly not unheard of for cool things from one fandom to be tweaked and dropped into another. In this case, were the script more polished, the addition of BSG-style tactics would be a unique variation on what we’re accustomed to seeing from Trek fan films.

Aboard the _Ares_ , Garth is watching the show. At least, I think he is. There’s no description. We jump from the slugline to dialogue. Hyree tells Garth the 4th Squadron is doing fine, and Garth asks tosee the 3rd.

> **The Bridge TACTICAL DISPLAY pans over from 4 th SQUADRON to an ICON marking #rd SQUADRON, hiding behind Axanar’s moon.**

I know you can hardly contain your excitement.

Garth opens a channel to _Geronimo_ and orders them to launch decoys as soon as the Klingon ships enter the 3rd Squadron’s phaser range. Give it up, script. The audience lost the plot some time ago.

> **Off the 3 rd SQUADRON and GERONIMO ICONS on the display…**

To be fair, the display-space shot-bridge scene sequence is a decent way of keeping track of what’s going on. The only problem is that it better suits a documentary style than a narrative one. The constant repetition, with only variations in cast, mean that the ships and squadrons will run together very quickly. It becomes a huge muddle in the audience’s mind. Once it’s a muddle, they’ll lose interest.

Anyway, described in much the same way as the 4th Squadron, the 3rd Squadron is lurking behind Axanar’s moon. They’re all “running dark” because the biggest thing to worry about in a space battle augmented by computers and powerful sensors is a Klingon looking out the window and seeing lights.

I can see the external visual being used to mean the ships are powered down as much as possible, such as in “Balance of Terror,” but it would have to be reinforced by the description of low power on the bridge and an order for the ship to power up before fighting.

Guess what we don’t get?

If you guessed “a description of low power on the bridge and an order to power up before fighting,” you guessed right!

I swear there was copy/pasting going on, if not physical then mental. Look at this:

Scene 127, p. 71

> **INT. HERCULES - BRIDGE**
> 
> **Travis is in the big chair. LIEUTENANT JACKSON mans Coms.**

Scene 138, p. 74

> **INT. GERONIMO – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Robau’s in the big chair. LIEUTENANT LOGAN mans Tactical.**

If you’re ever writing a script and you find yourself repeating like this, it’s a sign you’ve got interchangeable locations/characters/what-have-you. If they’re interchangeable, they’re probably not important to the story. Edit, edit, edit.

At least there’s a little variation. Completely unmemorable Lt. Logan gets to speak before Robau. (He reports on the Klingon’s position.)

So, Robau orders the decoys launched and we get a space shot of _Geronimo_ and _Crazy Horse_ launching TWO DOZEN SMALL SENSOR DECOYS, which take off around the side of the moon.

The Klingons close in on the space docks. Variation!

Aboard Kharn’s ship, Chang tells Kharn that the Federation ships are going to attack.

> **Kharn: (impressed) Their technology has improved.**

If Space! Chaff amounts to an improvement in technology, I shudder to think of what the Federation was fighting with at the beginning of the war. Did they borrow some cannon from a maritime museum so they could fire broadsides? God, I hope not. Otherwise we’ll find out it was really Garth who worked out how to “cross the T.”

Just as Kharn gives order to lock disruptors onto…something…Chang shouts, “My Lord, twenty-four ships have appeared from behind Axanar’s moon!” I never would’ve guessed he was agitated without that exclamation point.

Kharn orders him to do nothing, recognizing instantly that they’re decoys. He starts describing the Federation battle plan when he is once again interrupted in true Star Trek style.

> **The Bridge ROCKS. A panel BLOWS OUT nearby.**

On Galactica, they knew what a fuse was. If there’s anything to import from that ‘verse, import fuses.

One of the consistent idiosyncracies in this script is that characters aren’t allowed to finish thoughts. They’re always interrupted by someone bring DRAMATIC news or a red alert or, in this case, something important blowing up (unless, like Starfleet, the Klingons keep useless panels around just to blow up DRAMATICALLY). It’s a sign of the writers’ inexperience. Constant interruptions don’t generate tension; they draw attention to the writer’s weakness at developing complete tension-filled scenes. Oh, sure, you can have a couple of interruptions in a script. Frequent interruptions, however, breaks willing suspension of disbelief. You half expect the character to comment on it.

> **Voth: Sir, the Federation squadron has opened fire.**

I’m going to guess Kharn worked that part out when his ship did the shake ‘n’ spark.

There’s a shot of the 4th Squadron firing on the Klingons.

Aboard the _Hercules_ , we get some of that Star Trek banter.

> **Gates: I think we’ve got their attention, sir.**
> 
> **Travis: I’ll bet. Continuous fire. Let’s see how the Undying One likes a smack in the jaw.**
> 
> **Gates: They’re returning fire.**

It sounded much better in the writer’s head when he scribbled it in the back of his notebook during 4th period English.

> **The Bridge SHAKES. Travis smiles and laughs, in his element.**

Psychopath. If Travis is smiling and laughing while in a fight for his life, he’s probably not fit to command a starship. Even if he is, I can’t imagine his crew is too enthusiastic to serve under a “today is a good day to die” sort of captain.

_Meta-Lieutenant Gates: We all put in for transfers to Enterprise._

Also, let me say it again, a little louder. WAR IS NOT A GAME.  If you want to show a character that smiles and laughs during a battle, great! Go right a head. Just recognize that puts the character in a gray area, at best.  He's either someone who's unbalanced, has a questionable moral code, or is painfully naive.  It's the kind of thing that sounds badass when you're twelve, but adults should know better.

 


	23. Sound and Fury: Part Three

Aboard _Geronimo_ , Logan tells Robau what we just saw: that the 4th Squadron is fighting the Klingons. Robau orders him to launch shuttles. I hope they’re more robust than the standard Trek shuttle, which was—as with everything else in Starfleet—clearly built by the lowest bidder. An impressive feat in a moneyless society.

So, the ship’s in Robau’s group launch shuttles. They’re equipped with “electronic warfare pods.” Of course, because this tech has never been shown to the audience (or described before), the audience isn’t going to know what those are. Just imagine Raptors from BSG and you’ll probably be close.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, “the crew is busy in action.” Given the lack of specificity, I’m going to just assume they’re running around, waving their hands in the air. Also, to let the audience know they’re still fighting, “the bridge rocks occasionally.”

There’s damage to the tech, but it has no effect. I’m sure it’s meant to heighten the feeling that the ships are fighting for their lives, but, like with the rocking bridge, it’s just for show. It has about the same effect as torpedoes on Plot Armor: none.

Chang reports the arrival of “ships,” presumably the shuttles are creating a sensor image of a bigger vessel. Kharn smiles. He has apparently predicted this.

I don’t buy it. The writers want him to be viewed as some sort of battle master who can see the moves of his enemies, but he doesn’t do one thing that would make sense: send a scout to check out what’s going on behind the moon. Also, send a scout to check out what may be happening on the other side of the planet. Cavalry exists for a reason. (Let’s face it. Despite all of the tech, this battle is straight out of the 19th century. It’s two-dimensional.)

We jump over to the bridge of the lead D6 in Battle Wing Two, where Klingon General #1 commands. Why he doesn’t get a name when every other single-line character does escapes me. We even saw him way back at the beginning of the script.

At least he isn’t described as being “in the big chair.” It’s just a command chair.

Kharn orders him over the radio to attack the squadron near the moon.

> **Klingon General #1: At once, My Lord. We will destroy them for the Empire.**

I’m sure you’ll die trying.

This little scene was entirely pointless. He’s a no-name character we have no interest in or attachment to whose scene does nothing to advance character or story. He’s a walking Klingon cliché. The writers could easily have stayed with Kharn’s ship and had KG #1’s voice over the radio. That would also have saved them some effort redressing the set.

So Battle Wing Two heads towards Axanar’s moon. Have you lost the thread of the battle yet? I have.

Back behind Axanar, _Ares_ is still hanging out with the other ships. It’s the same shot from the opening of Act Four.

Seriously.

Scene 123, page 69

> **EXT. SPACE – THE ARES (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **holds position behind Axanar. Nearby are the Ajax, T’Val, Kumari, and Gral. Beyond them, FIFTY-NINE OTHER SHIPS hold formation in three squadron groups.**

Scene 151, page 76

> **EXT. SPACE – THE ARES (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **holding behind Axanar with Ajax, T’Val, Kumari, Gral, and the fifty-nine ships of 1 st and 2nd Squadrons and the Vulcans.**

Thrifty.

Aboard _Ares_ , Wagner reports that the Klingons have gone off chasing shuttles.

> **Garth: (thumbs the com) Captain Robau, it looks like second time’s the charm. Our friends have taken the bait.**

This is what happens when a writer doesn’t pay attention to how people actually speak, and how their speech changes based on circumstances. Sentences end up long and clunky.

> **Robau (V.O.) (amused, filtered): Well, it’s very good bait.**

I like to think he’s amused at Garth thinking he’s said something amusing. That line wasn’t funny.

> **Garth: Let them get close and then bite them in the ass.**

It’s not exactly (the apocryphal) “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes,” is it? The problem is that Garth has to appear to be directing the battle, but there really isn’t anything for him to direct. All he can do is say ridiculous lines that are supposed to make him sound like a leader who will be remembered for all time. They don’t.

> **INT. GERONIMO – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Robau: You heard the Fleet Captain.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: Yeah, call him “Fleet Captain.” He likes that._

It’s such a gratuitous little mention of his position, and probably more syllables than a person getting ready to fight would say.

> **Full power to systems. It’s time to go. (to his com) Geronimo to 3 rd Squad. Follow us in. Weapons hold for my mark.**

Oh, so the squadron _was_ powered down behind the moon. Yeah, that should’ve been more clearly established earlier. It’s a good thing to trust your audience’s intelligence; you don’t have to spell everything out for them. At the same time, you don’t want to create confusing conditions where you only explain things _after_ the audience needs to know them to follow the story.

This poor script is so backwards. Trivial things are expounded upon while important things are forgotten.

We get a space shot of the 3rd Squadron powering up and another of the Klingons approaching the moon.

Aboard the D6, KG #1 realizes the shuttles aren’t starships. Man, if only they’d sent out scouts. The D6 Weapons Officer, who, as best as I can tell, appeared out of nowhere due to the lack of introduction for him in the scene description, protests that “sensors read a full squadron of Federation ships.”

> **Klingon General #1: They are only shuttles. You’ve been deceived.**

More lovely leadership on display, this time from the Klingon side. KG #1 didn’t do his due diligence and he’s blaming it on an underling. He must be a real joy to serve under.

_Meta-D6 Weapons Officer: We’ve all put in for transfers to Rura Penthe._

“Whom Gods Destroy” never mentioned that Axanar was the battle of the incompetents.

> **D-6 Weapons Officer: (confused) Now reading new targets behind us. Twenty-four more starships.**
> 
> **Klingon General #1: (angry) Well, are they real or not?!**

I bet he’s wishing the Klingons had scouted out the area, particularly given that Kharn anticipated shenanigans of some sort. Of course, that would’ve made things uncomfortable for Garth and difficult for the writers.

KG #1 is answered by the old shake ‘n’ spark. Yawn.

_Geronimo_ and its squadron fire everything and destroy two ships right off the bat. It turns into a dogfight—or would that be “furball”? Even the shuttles get in on the action, because they were totally designed for that.

Garth is still sitting on his ass, watching the show. He’s very much a “lead from the back” sort of commander, isn’t he?

Finally, though, he asks if his squadrons are ready to fight. Here, we get the customary scene where everyone stands up and commits to the fight.

> **INT. KUMARI – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Trask: Kumari stands ready, Ares.**
> 
> **INT. GRAL – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Naarv: Gral is ready. Let’s get our hooves in the mud.**
> 
> Love it.
> 
> **INT. T’VAL – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Arev: Vulcan forces await your command, Ares.**
> 
> **INT. AJAX – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Garth (V.O.) (filtered): What about you, Sonya?**

Because even in the ideal future of Star Trek, a woman can be expected to be addressed by her first name instead of her rank and last name.

To be fair, Garth does call Robau “Rick” earlier in the battle, which is somewhat confusing because he’s not labeled as “Rick” in the script and only referred to as such a couple of times. The reason why I’m remarking on this informality here, is because it breaks the flow of the sequence. The disruption draws one’s eye straight to the inappropriate casualness of the address.

> **Alexander: I thought you’d never ask, Fleet Captain.**

Just stroke that ego a little more.

_Meta-Captain Alexander: If you stroke it, it gets bigger._

_Meta-Captain April: That’s not the only thing of his that gets bigger._

So, _Ares_ et al. finally get a move on.

Meanwhile, the Klingons and 4th Squadron—abbreviated as “squad” in the script, which is not the same thing as a “squadron”. It’s like the writers don’t know what the internet is. (Also, it’s a consistent error. It’s clearly not a typo.)

Aboard Kharn’s ship—I’m not bothering to use the name because no one cares—“the Bridge SHAKES. Crewmen are in action.” Probably just doing the same thing they were doing earlier.

Chang gives Kharn an update on the battle; it’s not going great for Wing Two. Kharn tells his shops to open fire on the space docks.

So, the Klingon ships fire on the space docks. The space docks and ships don’t explode; the break apart.

That was the big plan for which Garth was so admired: decoys.

And that’s the problem with trying to show a character who is the best ever at X when the writers are not.


	24. Sound and Fury: Part Four

Chang is shocked, _shocked_ , that that the dockyard didn’t blow up.

> **Chang: (stunned) The targets—they’re breaking up. How can this be?**

He’s a few rounds short of a broadside, isn’t he? This is not the younger counterpart of the Chang we saw in Star Trek VI. I’d be hard-pressed to see him as the same character we saw in the opening scene of this screenplay. The reason for this is because this isn’t Chang’s line; it’s the writers’. They fear the audience won’t understand what’s happening unless it’s told, so they have to make one character stupid for another character to explain it. There are so many better ways to draw subtle attention to what happened without it being so on-the-nose. For example, one could have Kharn say “decoys” and follow by giving orders to look out for more Federation ships. Instead, we get this.

> **Kharn: (seething) They’re not real, you fool. This was a trap. Their new ships were never being built at Axanar.**

I like to think Kharn is talking more about himself than Chang here. It sure reads like an inner monologue instead of what someone would actually say in the middle of a heated battle.

Another Klingon officer announces that there are more Federation ships coming from behind the planet.

I bet Kharn wishes he’d thought of scouts.

> **Kharn: Deceit upon deception.**

We’ll just assume that Kharn has a poor grasp of English, or that it doesn’t translate well from the Klingon. Those are the most generous explanations for such a painful line.

> **Perhaps the Humans are worthy adversaries.**

In other words, Garth is so awesome even the most awesome Klingon is impressed by him. Not that he’s done anything to deserve it. The only reason his plan is working is because the writers decided to conveniently forget that any experienced leader would scout out the area before committing to an attack. Oddly enough, they don’t like surprises.

The bridge shakes, but the shields are still holding, and Kharn orders all of his ships to attack all of Garth’s ships. I’d say we’re coming to the end of this thing, but this battle still has another fifteen pages to run.

Fifteen pages.

Each page equals roughly a minute of screen time. This battle runs close to thirty, or over a quarter of the total run time.

That’s this story: Either Garth is being praised or we get a lot of boom-boom (where Garth gets to show average intelligence at the expense of the other characters).

> **EXT. SPACE – ARES AND 1 st & 2nd SQUADRONS (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **emerge into SUNLIGHT from around the planet and ENGAGE THE KLINGONS, making the current dogfight EVEN LARGER.**

Because in film bigger is automatically better and more epic instead of a confusing, boring mess, right?

Aboard _Ares_ , the bridge shakes. There’s non-critical damage. Garth orders _Ajax_ and _T’Val_ to start looking for a weak spot in the D7 shields. The bridge shakes again. Seeing it spelled out really highlights how weak of a device it is for generating tension. All I’m thinking is, “Starfleet engineers really need to get a handle on those vibrations. It really ups the required maintenance.”

So, _Ajax_ and _T’Val_ take off. We get two quick shots, one of Captain Alexander asking if _T’Val_ is “with[her]” and a response of Captain Arev saying that they “are ‘on [her] six.’” I’m sure Vulcans always practice their use of 20th century Earth military slang when precision is absolutely vital.

Really, there was no reason for Alexander to ask if _T’Val_ was there. The writers just wanted to throw in a little more military flavor to try and lend this script credibility.

The two ships make a run on Kharn’s ship and a D6 explodes in the background.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, there’s no damage. They’ve lost eleven ships, though.

> **Kharn: Order all wings to concentrate fire on the Ares class.**

Ah, yes. Those ships for exploration that were named after the Greek god of war. I’m sure Garth did a lot of charting, scientific surveys, and diplomatic missions with his warship, which is so awesome it’s the first of its class.

The D7 and a couple of Klingon ships are firing on the _Kumari_ —because I’m sure everyone remembers each of the secondary ships, right?—and it’s in trouble. Fortunately, the _Gral_ is backing her up. The _Gral_ targets the D6s and destroys one of them, but it gets hit by shots from the D7. It blows up.

I’m sure the loss of the Tellerite ship has resonated as emotionally with you as it did with me. As in not at all.

> **INT. ARES – BRIDGE**
> 
> **LIGHT from the Gral’s destruction flickers across the Bridge.**
> 
> **Hyree: Gral is gone, Captain! Robinson and Komarov are also down. We’ve lost eventeen ships!**

Eh, you’ve got another eighty-three or so. No biggie.

Garth sends a couple more ships to protect the _Kumari_ —it sure would’ve been helpful if he’d gotten on that sooner rather than put two of his ships up against D6s and the D7s, but everyone makes mistakes—and tells _Ajax_ and _T’Val_ that they need the shield frequency.

> **Alexander (V.O) (filtered): We’re doing out** (sic) **best, Kel…**

Not Fleet Captain? He appears to have dropped in status here. I like to imagine it’s because her ship is getting hammered; she’s knows her job and is working on it; and Fleet Captain Useless keeps yapping in her ear while she tries to focus. She’s probably ready to murder him.

_Meta-Captain Alexander: No one would ever know._

Aboard the _T’Val_ , Arev is even more to the point.

> **Arev: Patience is required, Fleet Captain. It takes time to isolate the correct resonance frequency.**

I imagine this line is said with that perfect, biting condescension Vulcan’s are known for.

Garth tells them they don’t have much time and so on.

_Ajax_ and _T’Val_ keep firing on Kharn’s ship.

Kharn’s ship is rocking from the hits. The Klingon officer, Voth, notices that the frequency of the pulse phasers is changing. Before he can alert Kharn to the Federation plan, K’Orax knifes him, using an explosion as cover. No one notices, remarkably.

Kharn orders her to take his place and returns his focus to Chang, who announces that more Klingon ships are entering the system.

Because when even the writer is getting bored with the battle, the solution is to add more CGI ships. Just make it bigger, that’ll fix everything.

> **Kharn: (smiles): Krom’s Battle Wing arrives. Now we shall see how the Federation likes Klingon deception.**

Uh-huh. You’re asking me to believe that Kharn anticipated something going down to the point he had reserves waiting to join the battle, but he didn’t think to check out the far side of the moon and planet? These guys aren’t even playing checkers. Tic-tac-toe, maybe.

Aboard the _Ares_ , the crew notices the incoming Klingons. Garth hails _Geronimo_.

> **Garth: Rick, there’s another Klingon Battle Wing coming your way.**
> 
> **Robau: We see them. When they get here, they’ll catch us in a helluva nasty cross fire.**

I love it. Garth is supposed to be the genius, but he calls up Robau to tell him something he already knows, and Robau is the one to point out the problem. All Garth does is tell Robau that he’s sending _Allegiance_ and _Perseus_ to back him up and say, “I need you to hold them off until we’ve dealt with the main fleet.”

Oh, that’ll be a walk in the park. What happens if they don’t hold off the incoming ships, Fleet Captain, sir?

Oh, hey, and there’s an unanticipated D7 with the incoming ships. Either they got one into service in a hurry, or the Klingon captive lied. I like the latter interpretation.

> **Garth: A third D-7? (to com, urgently) Sonya, Arev…we need that shield frequency now.**

Didn’t plan for that, did you, genius?

Alas, Arev and Alexander are coming up short. As is time for another one of the expendable ships whose only purpose is to die for a dramatic, but utterly meaningless, moment. Yes, _Hercules_ is being fired upon by the D7.

> **INT. HERCULES – BRIDGE**
> 
> **The Bride is in CHAOS. There’s heavy damage, FIRES, BODIES.**
> 
> **Travis: Evasive! Target that D-7’s Bridge – fire everything!**

Is he still laughing and smiling, I wonder?

Anyway, the ship isn’t responding to helm and the sensors aren’t working.

It blows up. Goodbye, Captain Psychopath. I hope that battle was as fun for you at the end as it was in the beginning.


	25. Sound and Fury: The Active Captain Alexander

> **INT. AJAX – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Alexander: SAM!**

DRAMA! I don’t know about you, but I really feel their connection through this [Big No](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigNo).  You know, Kate Vernon is a pretty solid actor. She probably could’ve said more with an expression than a line.

In any case, the _Ajax_ tactical officer, who isn’t important enough to get a name, works out what no one aboard the _Ares_ has: that the D7s are only targeting the Ares class.

> **A look of pure rage sets in on Sonya’s face.**

Captain Alexander is the only character not consistently described by her last name. She flips between “Sonya” and “Alexander” throughout the script. The male characters are all “Lastname.” It’s noticeably odd by this point.

> **Alexander: (to com) All hand, evacuate forward sections. Emergency power to structural integrity. (cold, to helm) Set a course for that D-7.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: This is my favorite part. It’s almost true._

Aboard _Ares_ , Tanaka reports that _Ajax_ is on a collision course with the D-7.

> **Garth: (stunned, to com): Sonya, what are you doing?**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: Something you don’t have the_ cojones _for._

I don’t actually mind the first name here. I think it adds a little poignancy to the moment. The trick is to use your words deliberately so that you don’t distract your audience. It’s a distraction when one character isn’t referenced in the same way as equivalent characters. Eliminate the distractions and deliberate changes carry more punch.

> **Alexander (V.O) (filtered): Thinking on my feet, Ares. We’ve got to stop these D-7s somehow.**

I love it. The script has told us a couple of times that Garth Sue was “thinking on his feet” with respect to one thing or another, yet we never actually _saw_ him think on his feet. Here we have a supporting character who is _actually thinking on her feet_. In doing so, she completely upstages the protagonist. While it’s great that the female captain is getting a chance to do something awesome that grows out of her character and circumstances, Garth is supposed to be the one doing this. It should be Garth who realizes the Ares class is under attack and Garth should be the one to jump in to protect his fellow captains. It would’ve been a very Kirk-like trait for him. Yet, Garth is still on the sidelines, watching.

> **INT. AJAX – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Sonya’s Bridge crew is calm now. They know what’s coming.**
> 
> **Ajax tactical officer: (nods gravely)The forward saucer is clear…structural integrity’s at maximum**
> 
> **Alexander: (steeling herself) Full impulse. Fire all phasers.**

I think we’ve found the most professional crew in Starfleet. I also think we’ve found the character whose story the writers really want to tell.

The _Ajax_ charges the D7, firing on the neck right behind the bridge. She slams into it, severing the bridge and destroying the ship.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, “Kharn stands, stunned by this new Federation tactic.”

That would be worthy of surprise.

> **Garth and his crew are equally stunned.**

Think about how much more natural this is than a crew standing around in admiration at the beginning of the screenplay. Captain Alexander did something that wouldn’t occur to anyone with a healthy sense of self-preservation, and she pulled it off. That’ll require a moment to process.

_Ajax_ survived the collision, but is out of the fight. That leaves Captain Arev to sort out the shield frequency. Meanwhile, Robau is in a spot of trouble.

> **Robau appears on the VIEWSCREEN. His Bridge is in chaos.**

Like all the others.

> **Robau (urgent): We can’t hold the flank much longer, Ares.**
> 
> **Garth: Rick…I don’t have any more ships to send you.**

If only the majority of the exchanges in this monster had the power of this one. Nice job, writers.

So, Third Squadron is dying. _Crazy Horse_ blows up. _Ares_ is continuing to watch. It’s hard to say if she’s fighting at all. The bridge isn’t shaking, so I’ll take that as a no.

More ships are coming in! This time they’re approaching from Earth.

Yup, here comes _Enterprise_ to save the day.

_Meta-Captain April: As usual._

The _Enterprise_ still doesn’t have a warp drive, so it got a tow from the Vulcans. I guess Soval sorted out the High Council.

> **INT. ENTERPRISE – BRIDGE**
> 
> **Captain April sits in his chair, his crew ready for action.**

_Meta-Captain April: It’s a big chair._

Anyway, they’re going to join the Third. The D6s don’t stand a chance. _Geronimo_ uses countermeasures to get the D7’s torpedoes to destroy another D6. At the same time, the Vulcan ships are backing up the _T’Val_ , which is still looking for the shield frequency.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, K’Orax is checking out a display that shows the shield frequency. Shields are still holding, so the D7 is still in good shape, leaving Kharn to focus on _Enterprise_. Chang reports that it is a Constitution class and that it is stronger than the D6s. That’s all the time they have for that, however, as they have _finally_ figured out which ship is coordinating this Charlie-Foxtrot.

> **Kharn: The Izarian! Helm new course – make for the Ares. Target and fire.**

Took ‘em long enough. I wondered if they figured it out from all of the radio transmissions from _Ares_ or if they looked for which ship wasn’t interested in getting in on the action?

Kharn’s ship heads for _Ares_ , firing, other ships are being destroyed around it. There are still a couple of surviving shuttles, remarkably enough. I’d kind of like to see the battle from their perspective. Talk about courage.

_Kumari_ sees _Ares_ under attack and Trask orders all the ships to protect it. In other words, Garth is the king in this game of chess: important and useless. (You know, if you’re important enough to the outcome of the battle that everyone is going to drop what they’re doing to protect you, you screwed up somewhere. At this point, the Federation ships are moving from offense to defense, which is a whole ‘nother ball game.)

Despite being shot at by the D7, _Ares_ is still in good shape. Tanka figures out the D7 is Kharn’s, which gets some unspecified reaction from Garth.

Aboard Kharn’s ship, Kharn is getting impatient.

> **Kharn: Report! Why have we not yet destroyed the Ares?**

Because she was outfitted with Plot Armor earlier.

K’Orax reports the targeting sensors aren’t working, so Kharn orders another ship to take over the attack. K’Orax tries to signal the shield frequency, but it’s not yet time for the dramatic climax so her efforts are fruitless.

_Ares_ is under attack from both D7s, but the Plot Armor is holding. _Ares_ is getting in some good shots and Kharn’s ship is taking heavy damage. Lots of explosions.

> **Chang: My Lord, we’re losing power. We must withdraw!**
> 
> **Kharn: No! Cut off the enemy’s head and the body will wither. Ares must be destroyed!**

I never figured Kharn would go all [Khan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCpYqWAIwFA) on us, but I probably shouldn’t be surprised.

Aboard _Ares,_ the Klingon’s [Drama Phasers](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RuleOfDrama) are beginning to overwhelm the Plot Armor. The ship’s failing and helm’s down.

> **Thinking fast, Garth gets an idea _._**

It’s too bad I don’t get to see someone try to act this.

> **He stands, approaches Cross’ station and points at the Astrogator.**

So…he points at the [pilot](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/astrogator)? Research, people, research.

He orders Cross to use maneuvering thrusters to roll _Ares_ to a particular location.

> **Cross (stunned): Sir?**
> 
> **Garth: Just do it!**

And, we’re back to false drama. When your ship is actively dying, you’re not going to take a moment to be confused about an order. You’re going to trust the CO and do it.

So _Ares_ rolls beneath Kharn’s ship and uses its tractor being to hold on.

> **Tanaka: The tractor beam is holding.**

This would probably work better if Garth had ordered them to “standby, tractor beam” so that the audience could anticipate something involving a tractor beam holding. It’s very sloppy work, only made more noticeable by how precisely drawn Captain Alexander’s scene was.

Anyway, the Klingons have stopped shooting at _Ares_ for the time being.

Alas.

 


	26. Sound and Fury: Terrifying Vulcan Tacticians

There are fires burning aboard Kharn’s ship. I guess the fire suppression system is out. Kharn’s pissed off, whether at the _Ares_ or the fire, I can’t say.

> **Kharn: Why are we not firing?**
> 
> **Chang: The Ares is too close! Our sensors can’t lock on at this range.**

_Meta-Chang: Also, if we were to fire on_ Ares _at this range, the energy discharge would damage our own hull, and we’re already on fire._

K’Orax is still trying to get the Federation to notice the shield frequency. Now that _Ares_ is out of the way, she should be successful.

_T’Val_ fires on Kharn’s ship. Aboard her, the Vulcan tactical officer—a truly frightening thought—notices the shield layer is pulsating independently of their attacks and in a prime number sequence. It’s a code.

Aboard the _Ares_ , “things are desperate.”

> **There are casualties. The crew’s holding on for dear life.**

I really feel their struggle.

Arev contacts them to let Garth know there’s a signal.

> **Garth: A signal? On a specific frequency?**

That’s a good definition for signal.

> **Arev: (V.O.) (filtered.) Yes. We are testing it now. (beat) We have penetrated the D-7’s systems. Attempting to lower shields...their shields are down.**

Now we know where [Spock and Kirk got the idea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCpYqWAIwFA).

Again, the writers are taking an idea from a better film and in doing so reducing those characters’ cleverness to mimicry of the past (if you put _Axanar_ in the same continuity as _Wrath of Khan_ ). I’m not entirely sure how this is supposed to be respectful of the great Star Trek characters the writers presumably love. Of course, it’s right in line with fan fiction, which frequently co-opts cool elements from the original work and gifts them to the Author Self-Insert. After all, that’s what fan fiction is for: it’s to allow the creator to imagine him or herself in the role of the fandom hero.  Good fun for casual fiction, but by no means competitive with the official Trek franchise.

> **Garth: Bless you, Corax. (thumbs the com) Alexei, now…energize! (to Cross) Helm, disengage. Get us clear!**

Good thing Corax was right where you needed her to be instead of dead or elsewhere. You’d be pretty well screwed if she didn’t just happen to get the code to you. In other words, there’s no brilliance here, just luck.

> **INT. ARES – TRANSPORTER ROOM (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **Leonov is at the controls with the Transporter Chief.**

Instead of trying to keep his severely damaged ship alive. That’s a good use of manpower, right there.

> **Leonov: (pushes the sliders) With pleasure, Captain.**
> 
> **On the platform, a PHOTON TORPEDOES** (sic) **DEMATERIALIZES.**

I told you those [Vulcan tacticians were scary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK_LBXE9_o).

Yes, in less than a page, this script cribs two iconic fights from Official Trek. No wonder the plan wasn’t disclosed ahead of time. The audience would’ve checked out.

_Ares_ gets the hell out of Dodge…slowly. Meanwhile, aboard the D7 there’s considerable damage. Worse damage than previously, I guess.

> **K’Orax: My Lord, our shields are down!**
> 
> **Kharn: Raise them!**
> 
> **K’Orax: Inoperative!**

[That sounds familiar.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCpYqWAIwFA)

They’re interrupted by the explosion of the other D7.

[That sounds familiar. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=413VpwNVDkQ)

The _Ares_ torpedoes materialize on Kharn’s bridge.

> **Kharn sees this…and knows he’s been beaten.**
> 
> **But then he sees something else…the pedestal beside his chair is ON FIRE. The FLAMES are licking up around his KNIFE, which has a stylized KLINGON SYMBOL on the grip. It’s his vision come true.**

SYMBOLISM!

Seriously, though, I was joking about the block o’ firewood, guys. It wasn’t meant to be taken to heart. Incidentally, if someone’s painfully obvious joke unintentionally foreshadows where you’re going with a story element, rethink the element. It means that it has no good purpose outside of something silly. Here, the pedestal only existed to be stabbed with a knife and burn so that the writers could shoehorn in this bizarre vision. It’s something to look cool, but has no other value. As with so many things meant to look cool, it just comes off as silly.

> **Kharn: Perhaps today is a good day to die.**

Of course. Can’t have Klingons in a fan film without that line, or in Official Trek, for that matter.

Anyhow, Garth hails Kharn.

> **Kharn: Garth of Izar. You have my compliments. I take satisfaction in knowing that the Federation sent its best to face me.**

_Meta-Captain April: It’s more like we sent the guy whose schedule was open._

Garth decides now is the time to play negotiator. He suggests they end the war. Kharn tells him to go ahead and destroy him.

> **Garth: I have a better idea. Order your ships to stand down and I’ll do the same.**

I think there are a couple of things going on here. One is that _Prelude_ put the writers in a box. Kharn had to meet a list of criteria: he had to survive Axanar; he had to be a Garth counterpart, leading the Klingon forces; and he had to be very Klingon, so unlikely to surrender. Thus, he couldn’t really be defeated by death like other Trek antagonists. Additionally, I think the writers wanted to show Garth the Compassionate or Garth the Diplomat. The result is that this scene ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Chang thinks it’s a trick and Kharn isn’t interested in a surrender.

> **Garth knows he must play this carefully.**

I would love to see someone try to act this line that cannot be acted.

Garth proposes a cease fire so that a peace can be negotiated. You know, because Star Trek VI made it clear how easy it was for the Federation and Klingon Empire to come to a peace.

> **Kharn: (stunned) Why would you do this, Captain? You can destroy my fleet. The Empire would be wide open to your Starfleet.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: Sequels. That’s why he’s doing it._

Garth gets all noble. It’s not exactly a Kirk speech.

> **Garth: And then what? The Federation invades Qo’nos? Millions more people die? We’re not conquerors, Kharn.**

Well, [not Klingon-style at least](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VhSm6G7cVk).

> **And we have no desire to burn the Empire to the ground. The galaxy’s a big place. There’s room enough for both our peoples.**

Compelling.

Anyway, Kharn is seriously considering this and Chang is a strong advocate against agreement.

> **Chang: There can be no peace with the Federation! Not now…not ever!**

I’m still not seeing Chang’s motivation here, other than the writers wanted to do something to associate this Chang with the one in _Undiscovered Country._

> **Kharn snaps. He BACKHANDS CHANG IN THE FACE, knocking him back into his console. Chang slumps to the deck as Kharn stands over him.**
> 
> **Kharn: It’s over! There is no honor in placing revenge before the fate of the Empire!**

Because “honor” is the driving motivation of Klingons, [not protecting their families or culture](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2TDf9XU09k).  No, it’s all honor all the time.

> **Chang is shamed…to stunned to respond.**

I think he’s more bewildered.

Kharn tells Garth that the Klingons will stand down while he contacts the High Council.

> **Garth: As will ours. You’ll forgive me if we don’t power down our weapons until we have your Council’s word.**

I think Garth doesn’t quite understand what “stand down” means. Fortunately, Kharn is agreeable. The torpedo next to his chair probably helps.

> **Garth sits back in his chair, wearily.**

Imagine how the people who have been fighting from the beginning of the battle feel.

> **Relief is visible on everyone’s faces. Tanaka walks over to stand beside him.**
> 
> **Tanaka: Well played, Captain.**
> 
> **Garth: That’s Fleet Captain to you, Mister.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: I told you, he likes that._

_Ajax_ tells _Ares_ that they’ve found survivors from _Hercules_ , Travis among them. He’s critically injured. I wonder if he’ll enjoy fighting quite so much in the future?

 


	27. It's All About Garth

In the final scene of Act Four, Garth takes a stroll around the ship, which is badly damaged. He comes across a medical team with a dead crewmember. It’s Walker, of course. Poor kid never had a chance. His whole purpose was to die so that Garth could feel bad.

> **As the medics take the body away, Garth see his JOURNAL lying on the deck nearby. He picks it up, reads a bit of it.**
> 
> **Tanka: What’s that?**
> 
> **Garth: Something worth fighting for.**

“It talks about how great I am and how much this dead guy liked serving with me.”

Seriously, though, I’m not entirely sure why someone’s journal would be “something worth fighting for.” The journal doesn’t even symbolize something important. Walker wasn’t writing it for a child, parent, or lover; he was just writing it in case someone out there wanted to know what it was like to serve on a starship.

Tanaka is as confused as I am.

> **Tanaka: Sir?**
> 
> **Garth: When we get back to Earth, see that this gets to Greystoke at the Starfleet News Service. He’ll know what to do with it.**

Now we know how a captain so mediocre that he aspires to be average got to be a hero of Starfleet. He has someone on the inside writing flattering pieces about him.

> **Garth hands Tanaka the book. They continue on.**
> 
> **A SERIES OF SHOTS**
> 
> **We see Garth and Tanaka talking with CREWMEN…**

I’m sure the crewmen are thrilled to have their work interrupted by the guy responsible for the mess.

> **with the ENGINEERS repairing a SPARKING POWER CONDUIT…**

Yeah, that sounds like a job where you want to be distracted by your captain slumming it below decks.

> **with the WALKING WOUNDED…**

But not the ones who are dying. That might be uncomfortable for our Sue.

> **with Blackshirts helping out as they can.**

Because on ships people don’t have specific jobs in the event of emergencies.

> **As we see all this, we hear an entry from Walker’s journal.**

Oh, good.

> **Walker (V.O.): We’ve been at Axanar for the better part of a day now. Word is the Klingons will be here any time. Everyone’s nervous, but that’s to be expected. We all know how important this battle will be.**

Truly, these words will resonate through the ages.

> **(beat) I suppose all of us realize there’s a chance we won’t make it back. Most of us joined Starfleet to be explorers, but I guess sometimes you have to stand up and defend your homes, your families…the things you believe in.**

His conviction is overwhelming.

> **I think that’s worth fighting for.**

I love how the script just now, six pages from the end, tries to add deeper meaning to what has less meaning than a _Transformers_ film. Even war movies take a position. If this movie has a position it’s “war is really cool and people do badass things like fight with knives and wrestle prisoners for information.” It’s a war movie seen through the eyes of a child.

> **We end on Garth speaking with INJURED CREWMEN on stretchers in the hall outside Sickbay, helping to lift their spirits.**

"Helping to life their spirits" is known in novice writing circles as "I have no idea what a captain does after a fight, so I'm going to have him wander around and get in everyone's way to remind the audience he still exists."

I’m just going to guess here that good painkillers and prompt medical attention would do far more for those poor people than Garth acting concerned and spouting platitudes.

Later, Garth is in his quarters listening to classical music--probably Mahler for some proper angsting--with an untouched drink.

The unspecified "classical music" really highlights how much of a non-character Garth is.  He's so poorly defined that he doesn't even have specific music he listens to.  Colloquially, "classical music" can represent everything from Medieval to Post-modern Western art music.  That's quite a range of styles.  Hell, if that's too overwhelming then define him as a fan of the Classical Era.  Make him a Mozart fan, even if it's a little obvious.  Just define it.

But, no.  The writers don't listen to Classical music or classical music--I suspect the only time they hear it is when they accidentally pass a classical radio station while scanning through channels--so Garth can't listen to specific classical music.  At the same time, they want to show Garth as educated and sophisticated--"classical music" means that to some people--so that's the shorthand they use.  It's the trappings of character and sophistication without the substance.

If there are any aspiring writers out there, don't do this.  Audiences pick up right away on your inexperience, ignorance of a topic, and pretension.

> **Garth has been recording more messages to the families of his fallen crew members. Too many for one man… for one day.**

If only the relationships had been set up so that the audience would care. As it stands, it feels like Farth is going through the motions, but there’s no emotion behind it. It’s completely flat.

And, really, if his messages are like the one we saw when we first met him, how taxing can it be? He can just copy/paste.

> **His reserves of energy have finally given out.**

Because we were shown him being taxed over the past hundred pages, and slowly worn down as we approach this point. Or not.

> **Walker (V.O.) (cont’d): However this battle ends, there’s one thing we all know for sure: If anyone can save us – if anyone can save the Federation – it’s Captain Garth. That’s why we fight for him. It’s why we’d die for him.**

Called it.

Now we know why Garth wanted that published.

This is as close to a theme as we see in this script: Garth is awesome. The only motivations or concerns other characters have are in relation to the awesomeness that is Garth. Walker is a particularly tragic example. The character was only introduced to be killed later so Garth could act like he cares about dead crewmembers. The character’s journal was only introduced so we can end this act with a little praise for the Sue. Walker doesn’t even exist outside of Garth.

I mean, SERIOUSLY?, even the dead guy has to praise Garth!

Out. Of. Control.

> **Resting his head in his arms on the desk…Garth is ASLEEP.**

This is known as “the writer didn’t know how to gracefully exit the scene.” 


	28. The Epilogue

_Axanar_ ends on the planet. I’m guessing this is the peace conference. All of the delegates and bystandards are mingling. Travis has survived. Even though we won’t see it, I bet he’s changed.

Garth is busy looking at the sky.

> **April: None of this would have happened without you, Kel. I’m proud of you.**

_Meta-Captain April: We gave you a task a cadet could handle, and you didn’t fuck up. Good job._

Garth needs to get some angsting in before the end.

> **Garth: A lot of good people gave their lives up there. They’re the ones who made this possible. Not me.**

That’s why the script has been all about Garth and not about those good people, right?

Since the script has focused on Garth to the exclusion of everyone else, as much as the writers want it to be seen as humility, it strikes one as false humility.

> **April: That’s it. You’re teaching humility at the Academy next semester.**

_Meta-Captain April: You’ll serve as a horrible warning._

> **(they both laugh)**

For different reasons.

> **Here’s what I know. When the moment came, you made the tough calls.**

It’s easy when you don’t have real relationships. From page one, the other characters were there for Garth to use to their advantage. Throwing them away took no more effort that throwing away a tissue.

> **That’s what it means to sit in the big chair.**

What is with the constant references to the captain’s chair as “the big chair”? Once is a nice character trait, but this happens in dialogue and description.

Now that he’s praised Garth, April gets back to the _Enterprise_ , probably so someone else can come kiss Garth’s feet.

> **April EXITS. As Garth turns to leave as well, he sees Kharn has been STANDING NEARBY, waiting for him.**

Of course, he has.

Garth thanks Kharn for the effort he’s put into the peace treaty. So, Kharn has changed from a Khan-type character to a proto-Gorkon. Poor guy must have whiplash.

The pair starts walking and talking because if we’re not going to have a battle scene, we’d better have a walk-and-talk.

Garth wants to know what Kharn will do next. Kharn is apparently going to ride herd on the hardliners to give peace a better chance.

> **Garth: I certainly hope we’ve done more than simply postpone this war for another generation to fight.**

That’s pretty much the definition of warfare right there. When did Garth become the naïve idealist?

> **Kharn: We Klingons are a proud people, Captain. But some of us know that winning a battle, while losing an Empire, is no victory.**
> 
> **Garth: And losing a battle, while preserving an Empire, is no defeat.**

[Deep Space Nine’s “Way of the Warrior.”](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0394906/quotes?item=qt0510584)  I don’t really see the Klingon proverbs as being homage or plagiarism. It’s established in Trek that they’re a part of Klingon culture, so I’d expect them to be used sparingly in derivative works.

> **(smiles at Kharn’s look)**
> 
> **Yeah, I’ve read your book.**

I think the script is trying to establish that Garth knew what Kharn was going to do because he read Kharn’s book, but we were never shown him with Kharn’s book so it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Also, there’s something [familiar about that line](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dObTXYa-_n4).  Homage or parallel development, you decide.

> **Kharn: Perhaps if I had read yours, Axanar would have ended differently.**

Or if you’d checked out your surroundings. Or not had a shapeshifting spy on your ship. Don’t give Garth too much credit here. (Hah, who am I kidding?)

> **Garth: That’s why I never wrote one.**

“I just let other people write them for me.”

> **Kharn smiles. Truly, this Izarian is worthy of his respect.**

The writers just can help themselves, can they? Three pages to go and they have to work in a little more praise of Garth.

Anyway, they pause in the walk-and-talk.

> **Kharn: There is a custom, I believe ,from Earth’s age of sail.**

That’s “Age of Sail” to anyone who knows a damn thing about it. And why is a Klingon following an Earth tradition that’s centuries out of date by this point? Is there a Klingon branch of the Society for Creative Anachronism? (Fun fact: The offering of the sword dates back considerably further than the Age of Sail. It was also not confined to naval tradition.)

> **(he pulls out his knife)**

Oh, I see. Sue needs a trophy.

> **Kharn: The master of a ship, having lost in battle, would present his weapon to the one who had bested him.**

Why is Kharn educating Garth on Earth history? You know, it would make a lot more sense if this were cast as a Klingon custom. The audience would see the parallels—Garth could even remark on it—but it wouldn’t be as bizarre as a Klingon performing an Earth ritual.

> **(hands it to Garth)**
> 
> **This was my weapon, Captain.**
> 
> **Garth take the knife, honored. He’d like to return the gesture, but has nothing to give.**

That’s why Kharn is educating Garth; Garth doesn’t know anything about his own planet’s history. If he did, he might know that occasionally a victorious commander would return the defeated commander’s weapon or refuse to take it, symbolically allowing him to retain honor.

Of course, once you give a Sue something, you’re never getting it back. [It’s like my late dog with a toy](http://www.germanshepherds.com/forum/attachments/fun-games-room/15639d1331172824-gsd-property-laws-gsd-laws.jpg).

> **Then he remembers – there’s an ARES PATCH on the shoulder of his dress uniform.**
> 
> **Garth uses the knife to remove it and hands it to Kharn.**

"You get a patch!  You get a patch!  You get a patch!  EVERYBODY GETS A PATCH!"

I am laughing so hard right now that I’m crying. Garth has nothing but patches.  I know, I’m ruining a touching moment between Kharn and Garth. Still, if there’s a moment that sums up all of Axanar, that’s it.

Anyway, the patch stands for _Ares_ , Garth’s weapon. Yeah, that was totally a vessel of exploration.

They shake hands and the script gives us another novel-worthy line:

> **Born under different stars…they are brothers in arms.**

Aw, how happy.

We have to have a parallel scene, however, so we jump to Soval and Mor’o, who discuss the future. They talk a little about politicking, apparently Vulcans and Klingons have a bit in common. Soval tells Mor’o he probably had to be more subtle that Soval did.

> **Mor’o: A Klingon more subtle than a Vulcan?**
> 
> **Soval: (arches an eyebrow) It is most illogical.**

M’oro laughs, so I think that’s supposed to be a joke. It will never be as funny as Garth giving Kharn a patch, though.

Back to Garth, who is admiring his new trophy.

> **He looks at the knife, its blade still marked by the flames. He wonders how many lives it’s taken – a reminder that the price of peace is always paid in blood.**

I’d love to see someone try to act that. With the number of unactable (inactable?) character lines in the script, I’d guess the writers are somewhat unfamiliar with how actors work.

> **Satisfied, Garth heads down the path towards the terrace…**
> 
> **…and is suddenly GRABBED AND DRAGGED OUT OF SIGHT.**

My God, will this story never end? So much false tension here you could cut it with a cardboard knife. Wet cardboard.

It’s Corax. Of course, we need a little false tension so at first she’s in her Klingon guise and threatens to kill Garth, but then she changes back after taking his new toy away to show how awesome she is with her combat skills.

> **Corax: Or…you could just thank me. ** [instead of her “gutting him like a Targ”] **We’ll figure something out.**

I bet you will. It still won’t be appropriate.

Garth hails the Ares and says there are two to beam up. Leonov answers. That poor Transporter Chief must be back in the head.

> **Garth and Corax stand together, looking at one another with admiration and affection.**

We’re on the last page, Garth has to get a little more admiration in before we end.

Garth congratulates her on her performance.

> **Corax holds something up…it’s the PAWN.**

Oh, yeah, that had to make an appearance. SYMBOLISM. Of course, it has exactly nothing to symbolize here. It’s just a pawn.

> **Corax: I know. (smiling) That’s why you hired me.**

Yeah, because that’s something that happens in Starfleet.

> **She tosses it to Garth.**

Another trophy for our Sue. He’s getting quite a collection.

> **They DEMATERIALIZE.**
> 
> **FADE TO BLACK.**
> 
> ** THE END. **

Thank. God.

 

Now that I've made my way through the _Axanar_ script, I can say that I do not believe it measured up to the hype.

From the perspective of someone familiar with story structure, characterization, theme, and so on, it lacks what is required to be a successful story in its own right.  It certainly had no commercial potential, which would require it to have an engaging plot and characters, to say nothing of snappier dialogue and more compelling visuals.  Planning on it being a "[calling card](https://web.archive.org/web/20150901035932/http://www.axanarproductions.com/faq/)" for the team's industry work was over-ambitious.

That said, I think it could have been a fun little fan film at least on par with _Of Gods and Men_ and _Renegades_.  Why?  It has a lot of elements that identify it as belonging to the in-group: TNG-style technobabble and briefing rooms; shield percentages and tech-tech exploding; philosophizing, even if it's quite shallow; Klingon proverbs.  More than that, it has a Mary Sue who doesn't exist as an independent character.  As with the _Twilight_ or _Fifty Shades of Gray_ series, the main character is a hole the story that the audience can occupy.  Audience members can make the writers' fantasy their own.  It's regrettable that the creators couldn't recognize _Axanar_ for what it was and embrace those qualities.  As those of us involved in community theater recognize, performance is not about being a union actor or winning a Tony; a good show, at whatever level, brings joy to its audience.  As Trek community theater, _Axanar_ could have brought joy to a lot of people.  It just went a little too far, and its pride brought it down.

~Limulus


End file.
